I finally figured it out.
Put my finger on the rotting tooth
That’s been causing me pain.
I’m all cut up inside
Because I’ll never be enough for them.

I’m a rain cloud today,
Low hanging,
Dark,
Heavy.
Full
And trying to release.

The hot water
Wrinkles my fingertips
And stretches my hair
Down my back
In a red waterfall.

My knees are tucked
Up against
My chest.
The water
Turned to the hottest setting
So it’s still warm
When it reaches me
Down on the floor.

I close my eyes
And pretend
It’s washing off
Everything.

Every painful bruise
From my high school sweetheart.

Every time Dillon
Pushed my head down his body.

The hard grip
On my hand
That Matt had
As he placed my hand
On his *******.

The sloppy kisses
Eddy gave me
On his sunshine soaked
Bed.

The kiss on my neck
James left
Without warning
In a public place
Where I felt like I couldn’t
Be angry.

Rob’s hands
Never
Leaving
Me
Alone.

But most off all,
The body
Of the love of my life.
If that
Could wash off
I could pretend
I never
Risked him
For a moment of release.

The water
Drips down my forehead,
And my closed eyes,
Catching in my eyelashes.

I want to be clean.

My body is terrified.
Clenched up
Hunched in on itself,
Terrified.

My fear tells me
To run,
Because if I stay
I’ll make everything worse.

But I can’t.

Because I won’t create a reality
That would make it
Impossible
For me to come back to you.

I may be terrified,
But I won’t saw off
My leg
Because of a fracture.

I won’t ever leave,
Because I will always
Want to come back.

I know the signs
For when I crash.
I know I’m crashing
Right
Now.

It’s time to stop
Pressing my face against mirrors
And judging each and every pore.

It’s time to stop
******* in my pulpy cheeks
Like I did when I was a young teen
To see what my round face would look like
If they shrank.

It’s time to stop
Doing exercises I find
On the Internet
That falsely promise to make
My ******* the same size.

It’s time to stop
Holding my stomach fat
In my hands
And picturing my body without it.

It’s time to stop
Sitting on the edge of my bed
And looking down at my thighs,
And moving them
To watch the disappointing jiggle.

It’s time to stop
Wearing men’s clothes
In order to hide as many curves
In my body
As I can.

It’s time to stop
Trying to change
Because I want to earn love.

It’s time to stop
Hurting myself
Trying to become beautiful,
Because I’m the only person
Who I can count on
To be truly kind to my body.

It’s time to stop
Doing things
I know are bad for me.

I found a piece of you
Stuck to me
Today.
Like a bee sting,
With the poison still inside.
Throbbing and itchy.