different day
same ****
silent in the passenger seat
someone else’s
music blaring
car speeding
blank staring

i’m half alive on my drive home
cursing out the plates in front of me-
“decide, Delaware!” “figure it out, florida!”
treating the road lines as suggestions
as i speed along home to sleep.
and when i get there, the door creaks open in greeting, i toss my **** down on the counter
and pull my numb, freezing feet out of my work boots, thinking all the while
“crap i tracked mud in on the carpet again”
i bounce on my heels to reach the heater,
turning it Up Up Up so i can finally feel okay again.
when i think about dinner, it’s just pause
i tear open the fridge door and see
redbull zero and diet pepsi

i felt like ****
so i stopped into speedway to cash out and buy bang
and i still felt like **** so i bought $40 vitamins
and the label promised they’d solve all my problems,
but they couldn’t even fix my skin
every time i get paid? i spend it
every last ******* cent goes to retail therapy- the only therapy i cant afford but indulge in anyway
maybe i should’ve listened to my psych
maybe i shouldn’t lie at every meeting
maybe i- maybe i- maybe i
should have let them put me away
it doesn’t matter
i push it, shove it, cry it down
“It Doesn’t ******* Matter”
i chant it to myself like a prayer, a last message to god before i drag myself down to hell
on my bruised knees i sit
not talking to the lord,
just ******* ****

high on love
and stable
for the first time
i think that i’m able,
even capable,
of living out a future worth living.

bitter much?
yeah i’m bitter

never gonna be one of the group
one of the guys
we don’t share friends
we only share lies

what the **** is my problem?
its you
its true

you lie to me
cover it up
i’m too far ahead
watch you clean it up

i pretend that i don’t
exhausted, overwhelmed
the kind of pain in my chest that i can’t scream out

i wake up and
everything hurts

i am tearing myself apart at the seams
second guessing second guesses
waiting for something else
something other than me
to justify me
and the space i fill
and fill and fill

who am i to say who i am?
what power do i have?
all i do is fall
and rip
and tear
until there’s nothing left for me to
pull and pick at

taking showers in the dark
and skipping breakfast
my ****** knuckles broke the mirror
it was them not me
not me

nothing lost
nothing gained
no more breaths
no one saved