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Bea Aug 2019

I thought tonight would be a good time to tell you that I’m queer.
I’m not really sure quite yet but I’m sure about how I feel so that’s cool.
I’m telling you this because it’s been on my mind a lot,
hopefully this is all temporary because constantly turning around to find a new question makes me dizzy and you know I don’t fall gracefully.

I feel like I'm living life in the absolute middle.
Like seeing the life you dream of living from the backseat but not being sure how to take the wheel
You know what I mean?
Would I feel more alive without the heaviness that hangs off my chest or is life about staying weighted to the ground?

If I could see into the future I’d peek at who I am in a year.
I think that would be fun,
Maybe I would have things figured out then.

Do you remember asking me about who I’m attracted to that one time in the car?
I still can't answer that.
I can’t even figure out if I was born in the right body most of the time so how am I to know who I’m attracted to if I can’t even see what’s in the mirror?

How am I supposed to figure any of this out?
I feel like a walking question mark.

Anyways I'll be home in a bit
Call me back
I love you.
Bea Aug 2019
I said I was fine.
Isn’t that code for nothing’s okay?
why couldn’t you read between my words?
You said you could see right through me.
Bea Aug 2019
I’m sick of saying sorry
That word is dead to me.

Filled with half hearted regret and animosity I wish it out of existence everyday

Saying sorry for loving
Saying sorry having a opinion

Apologizing when there is no place for such words is bowing down to those that make you feel so uncomfortable you apologize for simply taking a breath

Saying sorry for needing the help that was offered to you because it’s not convenient right now means that offer was empty from the start

Sorry means I excuse myself from this conversation because I disagree and I know you’ll get angry if I say another word

If I said sorry to ever person I ever disagreed with I wouldn’t be here

Words without action are meaningless and sorry is dead to me
It died long ago

Stop giving other people your power
Bea Jul 2019
What is so wrong with being big?
Who made it such a crime?
I wish I could talk to the person that decided what sizes are okay

I want to ask them why
Why can’t I exist like this?
Why do you hate me?
Why won’t you reconsider?

I don’t know how it all started
Maybe it was the first time I was asked about my stretch marks or catching a strangers eyes judging me
One day hate just appeared without notice
Taking shelter in my chest
using my brain as a trampoline
It’s best friend shame came with it and I was trapped
They told me I wasn’t allowed to swim
that my body wasn’t wanted there
fat mermaids don't exist
Hate tore my heart in two and shame poured the lemon juice
I am a bitter lemon hearted woman who can’t live a day without anxiety
I want answers

Why can’t you be big and live a big life too?
Why can't I take up space?

I wish I could talk to the person that started fatphobia and ask them if they know what they are doing

Is it worth hurting so many people?
I want to know who told them it’s okay to act like this
With such anger
Such unreasonable judgment
Such unstoppable ignorance  

Why do you decide my worth?
Who told you my body is your business?
Bea Jul 2019
Florence was right when she said happiness is an extremely uneventful subject.
No one ever told me being truly happy feels like you've reached the top

I have learned more from this world than to hide from the inevitable  
When the world goes red and the alarms blare their songs we listen

Maybe it’s hard to write about being happy because when it finally arrives at our door we’ve forgotten it’s journey,
After All it’s all about the destination right?
Or was it all just make believe
Like that time you said monsters didn’t exist.
Happiness is a ship built to wreck and most of us are to afraid to go down with it

I want to see what becomes of those crashing colours
Do they collide and make something greater?
Do the dog days really end?
Bea Jul 2019
There’s a sign that hangs so far above my head my tunnel vision can’t locate it’s off switch
A glowing neon sign
OPEN 24/7
People are encouraged to
Come in
Get comfortable
Stay a while
Help yourself to whatever your claws can grasp
Leave when you want it’s nothing serious

the neon colours shine so bright I’m blinded

Can you help me they ask

I try until I’m undone
Bea Jul 2019
For some reason unknown to me
Hate dissipates
I hated myself the most
Every inch of my skin was a disgrace to skinny tradition
A helpless fat queer from the start
A little rainbow sheep running through the world with a target on their back
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