Waiting for 11:11 in the morning
and staying up at night.
Watching for the first star
to come out at night
looking for shooting stars.
Just to make that 1 wish,
the same thing every time.
With just a small hope
it can come true someday.

Even plants need a little **** on their roots to grow to their full potential.

Tik tok...
Tik tok...
Always checking the clock.

Waiting...
Waiting...
Too much anticipating.

As I sit,
Looking for distractions.
My mind blinded.
Unable to remain unfocused,
On the pure,
Horrifying,
Anticipation.

How could I love a person like that?
Unwanted
Undesirable
Ugly and fat.

Misshapen and all wrong,
So weak.
Their problems drag on.
Foolish and gullible.
Naive and selfish.

I person so uncaring,
with words so harsh.
Dramatic and foolish.
I know I should try,
But it becomes harder and harder...

How could I love a person like me?...

A broken relationship
A broken heart
A broken soul
A broken life

A heart can be sewn
A soul can be mended
A life can be repaired
But a relationship takes two people...
And if one isn't willing
It will never be put back together...

A poem shows how I feel
Expresses me
So why are there words on this page?
I'm writing to express a blank page.
Words growing across a barren plane.
Thoughts forced through an empty mind.

Give me back my life,
breathe back my air.
I love you,
I'm just so scared.

I don't rely on people
yet somehow I let you become my heart beat.
You're my blood,
through every inch of my being.
Keeping me alive.

Flowing,
rushing,
you seep into every part of me.
I want to bleed you out,
But that would mean I'm dead.

Why must I need you so badly?
I'm too scared to love,
and I'm too scared to stop.
I know I'm being selfish
but the thought of two dependent people,
two "I need you" people,
terrifies me.

Please never leave,
I need you...

The world is dark
cold and
shallow
Yet still deep enough to drown in.
And you expect me to step into it willingly?

Sorry I'm such a burden.
But my depression can show up so sudden.
It comes an goes,
Sometimes when I fake that smile to the world,
I can fake out myself.
I think I'm happy sometimes.
But I never am.

Knowing what's wrong
That's not the problem

Finding what's right,
That's far more difficult.

When we say goodbye,
You remind me it's not forever.
You told me it seems like,
My goodbyes feel like I won't see you again...
I cant tell you but...
My sanity relies on you,
Right now my being relies on you,
A day could be forever to me.
This week without you,
Unbearable.
I'll go insane...
My goodbyes aren't only to you.
I say goodbye to myself everytime you leave.

It's a sad life if you can't believe
Believe in those things that you can't see
So have faith, my dear
That not everything is as it seems

When I see you,
I want to run into your arms
For you to hold me tight
For us to never let go.
And I know you wouldn't mind.
But I hug you fast
And I just settle with "hi"
A soft quick word.

When I see you,
The emotions rush over me
My smiles wants to grow
I want to smile uncontrollably
And I know you wouldn't mind,
But I keep the smile smaller,
For fear you'll realize how twisted it can be,
And my true self I can't allow you to see.
So I settle with "hi"
I say it fast and soft,
And smile a subtle little smile.

I am
A single drop of water.
Falling,
Falling silently.
Awaiting to break apart when I hit the ground.
To shatter
Into so many small bits
So far apart
No one will even notice
I ever existed.

How am I suppose to be myself?
How can I be someone I hardly know?
Someone show me who I am!
Someone show me what what I should do!
Someone tell me what I am...
'Cause I can't find myself...
Without you.

My own reflection tortures me
A tortured being staring right back.

Tell me I'm beautiful.
Please tell me you love me
I need someone who can love me enough for the both of us.
'Cause I can't love myself....

When you say you're fine.
I know you're lying.
You're my friend
I know something's wrong.
Why can't you talk to me?
You may not know it
but I've been there too.
I've been depressed.
I've been so low.
I know how it is
to be alone.
I care too much
for you to feel it too.
So please just talk to me!
I worry about you.

You care too much about winning,
When you're suppose to care about me.
My "best option" isn't you.
Let me go, I don't want to be your next
Competition.
Your child isn't a prize,
Your child is me.
I'm a person,
I'm sorry that you can't see that.

I feel the words on my lips,
I'm sorry.
Feel the streaks of wetness down my face,
right after those first tears roll down.
No moment so pure in confusion.
Unsure of what words to say,
the "I'm sorry" becoming over used,
becoming normal.
Casual.

That horrible in between...
Limbo.
Stuck somewhere in the middle,
Angry and sad.

Living in limbo,
No real place to be
No place to stand.
I live in limbo.

Unsure where I'm going
Where have I been?

Into the world I go,
Naked and alone
Just follow the path I'm shown...
Into this world so cold.

So confused
All turned around.
New people
New sounds.
Do I stay?
Do I go?
There's so many people,
So why am I alone?

I like to be alone,
But being alone surrounded by people,
That's not alone,
That's terrifying...
Isolating...
Cold...

It's ok.
I don't mind what they say.
I hate me
More than they hate me.

The fury.
The rage I've been building.
The breath for me to scream,
Has been sitting in my lungs.
This waiting game,
Is ******* ridiculous.
Why should you be allowed to decide?
My life should be my choices!
Stay out of it!
I want you gone,
So you called the police.
You're getting out of hand.
I won't back down,
I'm enjoying the anger I cause you!
I hope you feel hurt!
I have no regrets,
Except I didn't do this sooner.
I shouldn't have to fear,
Fear my own mother.

What is jealousy?
In its simplest form,
insecurity.

The emotions involved,
fear of impurity.
The nagging thought,
disloyalty.

The dependance,
that need for security.

I don't want to hurt you,
But I know I have to.
I'm done worrying about others.
I need to worry about me too.

I don't want to leave you,
But everyone knows I have to.
You don't see why,
But I need my own life.

I know it's hurting,
It's hurting us both.
The difference is;
I cry at the thought,
You just yell on the spot.

One day I hope you realize what went wrong,
But please try not to take too long.
You're still my mom...

Your time here is coming to an end
Your life has limits
But I won't be at your funeral.
I can't see you like that.
Close the casket
That's not right.
They aren't dead.

I'm not dead...

i am not important.
i do not deserve to be uppercase.
i'm not that important.
i shouldn't stand out.

so insignificant
i'm so fake sometimes,
i don't deserve to call myself me.
i'm just who i try to be.

i'm not Me.

Art is my life,
madness is my muse.
My best works come out,
when I feel abused..

11:11
Make a wish
I wish for your
Sweet lips to kiss
Your touch of silk across my skin
I've all my let temptation win
I need you here
I want you now
So please don't leave me
Here to drown

11:11
Make your wish
You feel like ecstasy
You feel like bliss
I trust you here
In this place
So let our bodies fill empty space
You've stolen my heart
Captured my soul
Promise you'll never let me go...

How do I love you so much?
My dark heart,
Is filled with hate...
You cracked my heart.
A light is leaking.

Thankyou.

I wish I didn't exist.

It was too much,
life was too much.
So I made a shell,
I locked myself in.
It was safe,
warm,
secure.
But being alone in that shell so long, made the lock become distorted.
Now it won't unlock,
and I can't let anyone in.
It's a nice shell,
but sometimes,
just sometimes,
it gets lonely.  
I guess I'm just waiting for someone to break the lock,
I want someone to set me free in the world.
Though I may get scared leaving my shell,
someone will help me understand this scary, ******* up world.
And someday I can do more than survive it.
I will live in it.

You touched me
I cried
You apologized
I lied

Read my mind
Know what's right
I'll fight you off
You won't lay a hand on me tonight

Why cry?
All I've learned is tears,
Don't help.

They're only water.

Sweaty palms
Nervous laughs
That's where you find love

Looking when they aren't
Turning blushing when they look back
That's where you find love

Love should not be mistaken
Our society has condemned us
Our love it has taken

Know what they stole
Take it back
Choose to be true
That is when you'll find love

Pretty little dolls
With their makeup on
and their clothes just right

I once was a pretty little doll.
I wore my makeup.
Had my pretty clothes
and my hair done nice.

But I was still never liked.
No no.
Never an ideal,
Society didn't want to play with me
I was not to their standard still
I was looked down on by Barbie.

She was the pretty little doll I could never seem to be.
... I don't want to play dolls anymore.

You taught me
To ride a bike
To laugh at bad jokes
To never give up
That sometimes things hurt
But that's life
Learn to love the pain...

I'm not ready for this pain,
Promise me you won't let go.
Promise me you'll stay.
There's still so much I need you for...

I put on a strong face
I act like its fine
But your sick
So promise me you won't let go
Because I'm not ready to let go of you

As heat transfers
You're body to body
And skin to skin
Cold hard hearts
Another night
Another girl
The way you live.
U n a t t a c h e d
The love without love
You find unfulfilling fulfillment.

The thoughts in my head
The feelings in my heart
You don't have to leave
Yet I'm watching you go
Every minute of everyday
I see you slipping further away

The tears
Anger
Mistakes
Myself
Just masked
Hidden
By a simple
Smile...

I've come to like the distance,
I enjoy being distant.
Solitude comforts me.
Society disappoints me.
People just irritate me.

I know I shouldn't,
but I worry of things that won't change.
the ignorant people,
liars,
the lack of humanity.

Girls dressed like women,
women dressed like prostitutes.
The violence and lack of respect,
it's deafening.
What happened to this world?

I can't stand to be around this,
not anymore.

I've come to like the distance,
I enjoy being distant.
Solitude comforts me.
Society disappoints me.
People just irritate me.

Maybe I didn't do it for them.
Maybe I did it to prove to myself
I could do something right.
So when I looked in the mirror
I could see someone worth while.
But I failed...
Miserably...

In both hands I hold my life
In one hand my bible
The other holds a knife

A bacteria
A Virus
Sickness
Illness
It comes at you
you don't expect it
Something so small
Invisible
Keeps you from living
Yet we still don't believe
Depression is a sickness
But something so small it can't be seen
Is slowly killing me
I can't leave bed
I can't focus
I can't unfocus
And it gradually
Painfully
Makes me smaller
Shrinking
Until I too am just a bacteria
A small
Invisible
Nothing
Infectious and causing no good

Yin and yang
The dark and the light
The good and the bad
Dusk and dawn

The gray.

The in between.

The undefined.

You can explain to me
The right and the wrong.
But tell me
What about the gray?

Today,
True beauty was shown to me.
I prayed for it to be,
And now all I've seen,
Is beautiful.

The light streaky clouds,
So indescribably miraculous.
Impossibilities floating in the sky.

A smile of a child,
The laugh of a baby.
So happy to see,
But one person...
Me.

Feeling so important.
Feeling it's right.

Lucky, for I see
That today God showed to me,
But some, of life's true beauty.

This mask is too tight,
I can't seem to get it off.
I put it on so long ago,
I never thought it'd get stuck.
It's been so long I can't remember,
I can't remember what I look like.
All I've known for so long is the mask.
But I've always fit the mask so well,
I can't seem to pull it off of me.
I put it on so long ago.
I put it on too tight.
It's form-fitted to me now...
Can anyone help me rip it off?
Please...
I'm begging...

I cut myself open
To watch the hate pouring out
I close my heart up
The pain was too real
But I forgot how to feel.....
I've gone numb
I've grown cold
I'm detached
I'm all alone
I don't know what to think
A blade pressed to my skin
Just wanting to give in
I want to feel the pain
Just want to feel anything.
I know it's wrong
Yet it feels so right
Just one more time
Then I'll feel alright....
Until tomorrow night...

We fought for hours
You bought me flowers
I never asked for diamonds
I didn't ask for much...
I got them anyway...
But you still didn't stay.

So now the roses are dying
You're baby is crying
But where are you now?

Does she listen to you scream?
Are you everything she dreamed of?
Do you buy her flowers?
Or give her diamonds?
Tell her she's everything,
Did you tell her about me?
And how...

The roses are dead
your baby got no dad
You left us all alone
And I'm stronger on my own.