I can't think of titles to these mindless poems anymore because this stream of consciousness isn't poetic it's just ugly and I want to say that I'm not in love but boy would I be lying if I said that because when his hands longer on my waist for longer than they need to and his face gets close to mine I swear to god I can feel my heart pound faster than it ever has and rationality jumps out the window along with all the walls built and if I told you I didn't miss him I'd be lying again because all I want to do is see him and he's all I think about and I want it to stop but it's the best feeling I've ever known and I'm willing to risk it all for him because he makes me feel safer than I've ever felt before and the comfort I've been searching for I've finally seemed to find wrapped in his arms and near his heart

I don't want this to end and if the world can reset at exactly midnight and turn all the numbers and mistakes of the day to a fresh start of zero I can reset everyday and start it with him because it's only then I know it'll be okay

when they broke my heart god knows the last thing I wanted was to remember how it felt because it takes a lot to make someone feel like they can't breathe even when they're not underwater, but even though I hated them in ways that only my heart understood, I don't really regret them

they all taught me pain but it was because of that pain that I could move on, because of that pain that I now know how it feels to be completely shattered and get when my best friend tells me no, today she doesn't feel like being quite alive

they taught me empathy and they taught me true love in the sense that it was because of all of their errors that I truly appreciated what was in front of me when the time came, and now I understand that the kind of man who stays with you even when you're going through hell and not the man who leaves you mid way is the kind of man who deserves to stay and maybe I'm scared to have my heart shattered again but I don't regret ever having it broken because at least I learned that only I can fix myself and that has made me stronger than ever before

yes it hurts. it's the greatest kind of pain I've known and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but maybe it was for the better...

maybe learning to let go is all for the better

I'm so in love it hurts

I'm in love like I've never been before and it's like I'm on top of the highest mountain and even though my breathing is scarce and oxygen almost ceases to flow the view is amazing and I want to stay up here forever

I'm so in love I wish I could be with him forever, with him and coffee and pancakes and Sunday mornings and rain and jokes and memories

I wish I could see him whenever I want to and I wish I could hold him and never let go because letting go means saying goodbye and goodbyes **** me every time

I'm so in love I'm no longer scared, I just want him and everything he has to offer and I want to have the best two months of my life because he needs it and I need it

I'm so in love I involuntarily say "we" because it is we now, and I don't want to change that anymore

he told her he's changing through exasperated breath as if the whole world weighed down upon his words but he left her to find meaning in the ambiguity of his eyes

he told her he's changing but he didn't tell her whether it was for better or for worse, and like a rose whose petals reflect the crimson in her soul he started plucking her beautiful pieces away one by one

it was slow but soon she realized he took away her voice. he took away her confidence, he took away her beauty, he took away her heart, he took away her ability to control her emotions, he took away her happiness -- all the things she thought he gave her he took away and that really showed her who was in charge

her lungs filled with his world once and he warned her not to ever try something like that again because it would **** her but what she didn't say was he was already doing that, because with each conversation she suffocates a little bit more, until eventually the noose will be tied and her body will hang

he told her he's changing but it's clear to see it's somewhere away from her; he's going down the path of skinny girls and large *******, of cigarettes and alcohol, of past memories and old songs, of a world so far removed from her reality that she can never even dream of entering his stratosphere again

I can't believe I let myself fall so hard...



...*again

my love is a tug of war, a game for children aged five through ten

he's the boy and i'm the girl, he pulls too hard and i fall down, i get back up but he's giving up again, i use all of my energy to pull the ******* rope back towards me, get that ******* knot back past my line, win this game, make sure it doesn't win me again

i can't be a loser so i fight harder and harder, dig my heels into the ground just so i don't move, try to be stagnant, end up being dynamic, his love makes me weaker, i'm losing my grip

months later the knot has lost meaning and i forget what i'm fighting for

it's all so much brighter on the big screen: smoother, prettier, better

they look at each other with twilight in their eyes and a sparkle in their smile, making our worn out eyes and dull teeth look like a joke in comparison

they fight over the little things but in the end he comes back to her and she realizes her mistakes, they aren't stubborn like us, he isn't as resilient and i'm not as carefree

when i see them i realize the fault in our own love, when i see them i don't see any shattered glass or fragments of organs that used to be in you but were squeezed out because of how densely crushing your last love was

i don't see the drops of imaginary red dripping from their chests and suddenly it all makes sense

it works on the tv screen because they aren't broken like us
they don't cry themselves to sleep, they don't hold on to the past tighter than they hold on to themselves
they're characters and they're lines, they're stage directions and sure he may look at her in a way i only dream to be looked at but your brown eyes and worried brow are something i wouldn't trade in for a second

at the end of the day those are the movies and this is reality and when the lights turn back on i'm back to square one

no gleaming eyes, no defied gratitude, just me and you