He's the second one I've truly hurt and I realized now that I burn

I used to think that maybe it was them but it's really me who when touched charcoals their skin and makes them turn to ash

They don't want anything to do with me because I'm not like the others - I'm a light burning hotter than 98.7 and the shades of orange and blue and yellow fill my body so when they ask me to speak all that comes out is fire

My words sizzle on their skin and they turn away because no amount of water is going to spark out this flame

We are not bottles of beer that you can put your lips against once and then throw in a pile somewhere to rot away with all of the other garbage there. We are not so much of who you think we are. We are not just a fake smile and eyes too dark to see the sun even when it's the brightest it's ever been. We are not just objects you can use and leave after a great session of testosterone raising. We are most definitely not the love in your heart or the butterflies in your stomachs or the antidepressants you seem to need every night at the same time. We are human. We are us, we are broken and hurt and disheveled and confused and we have emotions too, don't ever confuse silence for acceptance and don't ever doubt that we don't care what you do. We're the silent kind, the kind that won't say much but will look at you and realize you've been through some ****. We're the observers from an ocean away, because you're so easy to read even computer pixels give you away. Don't you know news gets around?

i get it* okay? i know that you're tired, and i know that you want to give up, and i know i'm not worth it, and i know i'm causing you pain, and i know that deep down you don't want to be involved with me at all

i get it
my voice is not angelic, and the echoes of midnight tears and heartbreaks reverberate every time i open my mouth to tell you that i'm not okay, and i know that when you look at my face you wonder why someone who sounds so normal can look so drained, how my eyes seem so hollow, how the skin under my eyes has finally began to bloat instead of just caving in because my eyes are tired to keep looking at this reality

i get it and now is not the time for you to act sentimental and tell me through words that are strained and teeth that are clenched, eyes that are empty and hearts that are not full by the love that i've been trying to give, that you're okay and i didn't affect you at all

i know that this is not what you thought it would be and it breaks my heart to know that but i cannot change
you can pull my hand and force me to obey you but i will only go so far, because the inner workings of my mind are too **** strong to ever give up on me even if i'm ruining myself, and you cannot convince me that you will always stay because i know it's not true, and i know i can't support you either

we lean on each other partially until eventually we fall together, confused and depressed, nostalgic about a past that makes five months seem so distant, desiring something more but constantly being unfulfilled, constantly meeting a wall, constantly looking down, constantly not relying on one another, constantly counting down to a memory that is so unstable it won't happen

*i get it, this is it

midnight, one, two, three am things always turn downhill and you don't know what to listen to anymore because your brain says move on but your heart says she's in there somewhere waiting to take me back to old memories and broken dreams. you take a sip of your wine thinking about the intricate details of the universe and how every single constellation in the sky cannot begin to describe all of the beauties of the mysteries outside of your town, and meanwhile you talk to her hoping that maybe you'll see that light shine as bright as it once did for you. you told her once that no one is okay and everyone has their own problems, but you try to hide yours in times when you cannot afford to, and you don't know she's behind the screen crying because she knows when you talk to her it isn't you speaking to her, it's hormones speaking to her, it's you speaking to a body, it's you speaking to a mind that is not the same as the one before her. when you tell her your problems you rarely mention more than a sentence because distancing yourself is something you've learned how to do through repeated mistakes but what you think you know is that she's being honest when really there are walls and pain behind her heart. oh she can tell you lullabies and make it seem like she's another snow white fresh out of the woods, but life has taught her that there will be no prince in the end, and with every other time you reaffirm that statement her mask breaks once more - she's one step closer to cracking.

she walks out to her normal spot every morning waiting for the four wheeled vehicle that is supposed to take her to seven hours of hell and she looks at the stars and thinks how beautiful it is that humans are nothing. she does not think about the mysteries like you do, she thinks about how everyone is insignificant, how her life actions will not be remembered, how she as a human being will leave the world virtually un-impacted. to her, that is beauty. but to you, that is terrible. that is why you two will never truly work out.

when he tells you that he loves, tread carefully, because chances are he's saying it under exasperated breath drunk off the essence of nightlife

when he looks into your eyes and smiles, know that it is not because he cares more about you than anyone else - he just likes the view

when he tells you that you take priority over others, know that you shouldn't always believe him, because at the end of the day he's out partying and you aren't; he's drowning in liquor but you're drowning in tears

when he wants to be let in, make sure you have your lock secured, and make him find the **** key. no more handing it to him, no more thinking it'll be different this time, no more making excuses - this is your heart and you cannot just play around with it anymore, he needs to know that you are a forbidden fortress and in order to get inside he has to climb every **** brick that you have put up for him

make sure that he knows that this isn't a game and your heart is on the line - do not let him woo you back into this cycle of boom and depression because you were taught that's only for the economy and god knows you want to believe that

do not believe it when your heart tries to flutter out of your throat and do not let yourself write beautiful metaphors to him because he doesn't deserve it when all he's giving you is a stab wound in return

you can see the blood and you can feel the pain, do not believe it when he tells you it'll be okay