It's been 4 months since I seen him and my horoscope says this is the year it finally came to an end.

It's been 4 months since I've seen him and I still can't date again.

It's been 4 months since I've seen him and I still don't think I'll love anyone the way I loved him.

It's been 4 months.

I fear that,
like the snow,
I will not
survive.

It’s as far as remembering the girl who got an abortion to you used to work at bed bath and beyond. I can't think of entering that store without envy.

That time I tried to grab your hand in the car and you conveniently switched them on the steering wheel.

All the times you chose me. All the times you changed your mind.

I've avoided an entire town for 3 ******* years because I can't enter it without remembering you entering me.

I hate myself for all of this.

I am here to tell you that,

I once dated a boy that made me want to die. That made food my enemy and starved me for his love. That made me have *** with other men as a symbol that I was his. That never made me good enough. That made me think love was nothing but a bartering tool.

I once dated a boy that made love to me then set my soul on fire with the alcohol living in his kiss. That didn't think my taste compared to Jack Daniels. That said his hands shook when he preferred other women over me. That slept 273 nights in my bed then one day left with no goodbye.

I once dated a boy whose eyes swirled black as a cumulonimbus. That held a spoon to his pupil and dangled from a bridge using his life for my forgiveness. That made strangers ask if I needed safety out of fear. That chased me down my porch stairs, knife in pocket, fist in air.

And I am here
to tell you that,
I will never settle for anything,
ever again,
less than a man.

I remember
when you jumped
into my parents basement stairs

I remember
when you jumped
into the empty chamber of my heart

*And I remember
when you broke both.

Somebody out there
will love you
again.

And if that
doesn't hurt,
awe,
or inspire you

then I don't know what will.

I don't know how to explain
the way my insides lit fire
when he smelled
exactly
like
you.

i can't seem to fill
the loneliness
aching in my bones

it burns my insides
like a man with a torch
trying to find his way home

I want to rip my heart out of my chest
and serve it on a platter
to the next one who will love it best

one who wont use it
to put out their cigarettes

Don't ever read your ex's monthly horoscope -
it will tell you that he is
going to not be single soon
and find new love
and conceive babies
and you will find your hands shaking
with a cigarette in them
wishing you never knew at all.

I feel as if someone has stolen the piece of me that lies between my neck and pelvis
That I have evaporated over time from holding down the acid that comes with speaking your name
I do not remember what it feels like to be touched by a man
or anything capable of showing affection
as I have not been able to feel my own skin in 3 years;

when you numb, it is not just a piece of your heart:
you cannot feel your tongue
your throat
your chest
your stomach
you are no longer responsible for what comes and goes;

when you numb, the problem isn't that you're unable to feel,
the problem is that no one ever tells you
you feel too **** much.

I asked you what you wanted
and you said you didn't know
I asked a friend what letting go felt like
and she told me freedom

But I would've been a bird caged to the sky,
I would've spent my entire life,
fighting wars for you.

If it meant I could have
one more taste
of freedom.

My freedom.

The one I felt
when I was with
you.

I prefer paper to write my sins
and mirrors to count
men's thumb prints

I could have *** with him
but I don't want to
at all

Sometimes,
the phone rings,
I still think
you might call.

I have searched everywhere for myself.
I have looked within so many times
that there are fire marks
in every empty tomb.

I can no longer find salvation in a man or in a body.

I can no longer find it in me.

I have only one place left to turn...
and that is God.
And I am going.
No, I am running.
Full speed ahead, arms wide open, tears streaming down my cheeks as I beg Him to love me.

'Cause I can't seem to love myself.

There comes a time when you recognize
When you lie awake at night
Remembering past experiences
How much you've learned
At every turn
And every thought of your thoughts you thought were wrong that were actually right

And you remember how your chest used to feel so sunken that you couldn't sleep
And the dark would creep its way in
Fill you with sin after sin after sin just to get rid of his grin that was burned so deep within your psyche that your dreams played it on repeat

A broken record
Same ****, different man
Same bed, same times waking up to check for texts that you already know didn't come
Ignored by a different number from almost the same someone

Alcoholic tendencies behind every heartbreak
Every fake "baby"
Every daily wake
and I try to cry but I shake, I shake, I shake

Sooner or later
you'll decide,
you no longer want
to be
dead inside,
so you'll find
somebody new
to take
over

But I guess,
one day
she will see,
that there's more
than what's underneath
her jeans

and my darling,
you'll still be alone
and a year older.

the
sadness:
it spreads.

Mine has dry summer heat
Size 12 jeans with a hole in the knee
Back when we were drunk off of each other instead of just drunk
When fishing string kept our fingers in knots
and I knelt by ***** water creating sins instead of confessing

Mine has smoking cigarettes in bare feet
Moonshine on thanksgiving
The moan that escaped your mouth after our first kiss
The night on my bed when the only heaviness in the room was your body on top of mine
When you used to whisper, "I never knew love until I felt you"
and I would cry, "I thought I knew, I thought I knew..."

I'm afraid
I'm afraid

When I love again
I don't want to see your face

And when I hold again
I don't want to wish for your embrace

And I'm enraged
I'm enraged
My pen rips at the paper
And my words fight the page

That I'm starting over without you
And I don't know how to
I don't know how to

You'd think
I'd
know
how
to
let
you
go
by now.