They watch me closely
They feed me with pills
Until I'm fat and unhealthy
They show me the hospital bills
nine-thousand dollars for me
being sent to a facility.

I'm drugged up and ****** up
Is that rabbit really there?
I lay in my bed then I sit up
Am I really, truly, honestly here?

My plan didn't work unfortunately
I woke up in a hospital
with an IV dropping ever so slowly
"How could you be so irresponsible?"

Wellbutrin, Geodon, Zoloft and Clozapine
Latuda, Synthroid, Seroquel and Clomipramine
One after the other goes into my mouth
Lined inside my little pill box pouch.

Maybe life will get better some day
Not today, or tomorrow, or next week
But someday, I promise you, I'll be okay
I am no longer a failure, I am no longer meek.

When alive and livingsocial
within webbed wide world
analogous to an emotional hell
I never experienced pomp and circumstances,
and quavers with inconsolable tears
graduation theme song
popularized courtesy Sir Edward Elgar,
thus suicidal ideations no longer relevant
yours truly need not quell
he rages against series of unfortunate events
comprising his life and hard time
(one protracted existential crisis) and yell
like a rebel into the infinite abyss of darkness.

Every subsequent high school graduation year
antedated since June
ninety seventy seven where
yours truly stepped to the podium
to secure his diploma
(I barely squeaked by
from one grade to the next)
stricken with anxiety and experienced urge
to sprint mile a minute evoking manic tear
zipping by at light speed
creating spindleshanks to blur as pair
sorry excuse for legs burning ghee
until reaching destination re:
a specific rocking in casbah Kashmir
actually a sought after interview
with popular Emir.

Personal mailer daemons aside
Azrael readily befriended me before I died
and ably, eagerly and willing obliged to guide
these lovely bones of mine
went for out of world joyride
away to subterranean habitat
where heavenly delight magnified
sense and sensibility overarching credo
unconditional kindred acceptance
downplayed prejudice and pride
communion among apostolic auras
and personas spied
greeting halo trusting word of mouth
as adequate signal to be verified
nullifying former dependence
on prescription medication
to thwart becoming zombified.

The following pharmacological medications
taken courtesy to cope with anxiety,
obsessive compulsive disorder, panic attacks
and generally curbing tendencies to avoid
physiological symptoms such as:
nausea, palmar hyperhidrosis
(unrelenting sweaty palms), and vertigo.

GLYCOPYRROLATE, TAB 2 MG (thrice daily)
CLOMIPRAMINE CAP 50 MG (once nightly)
RISPERIDONE TAB 1MG (once nightly)
FLUOXETINE CAP 20MG (once daily)
PRAZOSIN HCL CAP 1 MG (three pills nightly)
BUSPIRONE TAB 15MG (twice daily)
PRAMIPEXOLE TAB 1MG (once nightly)
CLONAZEPAM TAB 0.5MG (once nightly
AMITIZA 24 MCG
(prescription laxative - as necessary)

Although gainfully unemployed
(fate now finds me receiving
social security disability –
for approximately
the last baker's dozen years -
the yeast divine intercession
rose to the occasion),
I can still vividly visualize
utter despair during
early and emerging adulthood.

The following synopsis
wrought, impressed, crafted...
within mine temple mount
when yours truly
long overstayed his welcome
at 324 Level Road
(formerly Rural Delivery 2 -
before expanse of hundred acre wood
constituting Glen Elm tract
became vinyl city),
and lacked courage -
analogous to cowardly lion
epitomized in The Wizard of Oz
to test mettle and live independently –
abandoned said challenge  
rather remained domiciled
with birth parents.

Indelible, permanent
and unfading abysmal
damaging domestic dynamics
got indelibly etched in deep purple
upon the memory banks
of this erstwhile individual.

The general gist in the form
of quick broad brush strokes
of psychologically
traumatizing recollection now follows.

I can attest to malevolent
mean-spirited objections
by my then father stayin' alive
(Normandy Farms retirement community
in Blue Bell, Pennsylvania)
at date of forthwith
original poetical draft
(still mourning of his wife,
i.e. mine late mother),
whose passing did nothing
to ameliorate severe emotional trauma  
in regard to mine
unkempt appearance
grossly unacceptable attire,
deportment, grossly jaded mien
and erratic work ethic
to figuratively rattle
(and hum) abridged list.

Back in those inglorious bourne days,
I poorly wore the mantle and staff
of supposed maturity.

Lack of compliance
and obeisance with regulations
and rules of the Harris household
brewed, festered and lied dormant
during prepubescence.

The pressure and tension
between maternal and paternal adult
would rank as dysfunctional
way before such ****** babble
(barely audible above the babel
between me mother and father)
became je nais se quois in vogue.

Such venomous barrage
and fusillade spewed forth
from off parental tongues
at an exponential rate
and on a par to feeling
the stinging cudgel of a horsewhip.

Out of fear and timidity,
I consequently and silently
absorbed cruel treatment.

Neither the eldest nor youngest sibling
bore witness against the
tender spirit of their only brother.

A façade as of statue conveniently adopted.

This embodiment ill served
to fend off onslaught of incessant anger.

Such a defense mechanism
offered miniscule protection
as I mentally (dumbly and mutely)
dodged andforded
lobbed and rammed insults
and affected defiance
of endless threats
and hollow ultimatums.

No matter these bitter pills
of blaring character assassination,
denunciation, fulmination, incrimination,
and countless vociferous vocalizations,
I feigned to be stone
(temple pilot) deaf.

Such self-repression
of emotional maelstroms
only caused seething internal ire
to invite intense anxiety
and unpredictable
debilitating panic attacks,

They (mom and dad,
neither parent still alive)
became further angered
and inflamed per my total oblivious stance.

This reaction added insult to injury.

Deliverance per tough love lessons
amplified to the tune
of additional feats
at becoming excoriated, ranted
and raved against personal habits
and what appeared as mine
nonchalant indifference to pursue work.

Those involuntary, unrehearsed
and vicious family chats happened
to be replete with heavily exploding
verbal wrath and uncorked anger.

Dad, the nominal spokesperson
for unpleasant chest donned thumping
trumpeting exclamations emphatically swore
all manner of vulgarity and demanded
from this insolent appearing
male offspring, whose passive demeanor
intimated immediate compliance.

Defiance and fatigue offered him
that predictable and usual blank stare
upon hearing the kind
and lenient sentence
to pack bags and GET OUT!

With the dreaded approach
of dire and sealed fate,
I anxiously experienced
a dramatic increase in apocalyptic suspense.

Deadlines came and went without incident.

What caused especial ire and wrath
to fester pertaining
to apparent ambivalence,
indifference and nonchalance
for me to take any job -
even shoveling horse manure!

My maternal grandfather
supposedly never paid much heed
to regular and steady employment
despite his skill as a tailor.

Hence my mother and three siblings
lived in destitution and poverty.

Behavior of yours truly triggered
her flashbacks scores of years earlier,
when she lived in squalor,
and felt forced to seek either
part or full time income,
where household members
lacked camaraderie and integration
as a healthy family unit.

The wraith of those
ghastly imprecations
still hound with infrequent
unwanted ghostly visitations
from thy dead mother.

Anxiety and once
immobilizing panic attacks
the battle scars afflict
my psyche and interfere
with the ability to enjoy life,
liberty and pursuit  of happiness
to the utmost despite reliance
on following prescription medications:

BUSPIRONE TAB 20 MG
CLOMIPRAMINE CAP 50 MG
CLONAZEPAM TAB 0.5 MG
FLUOXETINE CAP 20 MG
GLYCOPYRROLATE TAB 2 MG
PRAZOSIN HCL CAP 1 MG
PRAZOSIN HCL CAP 5 MG
RISPERIDONE TAB 1 MG
ROPINIROLE HCL 0.5 MG

As a divergence
from the apocalyptical, dialectical,
geomorphological, judgmatical,
metaphorical, philosophical...,
I share an out of this
(webbed wide) world,
anecdote ye may find far fetched.

Believe me you,
an unspecified number of years ago,
yours truly availed himself
as an experimental subject,
and since then subsequently
no longer fears dark shadows
shimmering within outer limits
of the twilight zone.

Specific details elude me,
thus only a general sketch
can be provided

Upon falling into a deep slumber
after taking a respite
from my daily constitutional
within vicinity of Ardmore, Pennsylvania
countless decades ago,
the following subconscious
somnambulant scenario arose
allowing, enabling, and providing
temporary alleviation
from a harried styled
and swiftly tailored married state.
    
Out of a tendency to be impetuous,
and oblivious to danger,
I voluntarily let myself
get abducted by this gamesome
handsome, and venturesome green eyed
Geico looking alien ghoul.

Any resemblance between
the following piecemeal description
being kidnapped by an alien
(from another condemn nation
in the cosmos), and living persons
then lamenting married life
purely coincidental.

Although pitch-black
that hot summer July night 20xx,
an ominous ghastly shape  
lumbered near the skeletal
partially built addition
at Lower Merion High School.

This phantasmagorical amorphous,
diaphanous, illustrious... entity
hovered outside his/her
phosphorescent flying saucer.

I stood stock still as my warm breath
bestirred, dispersed, fractured thick fog
(actually smoke from Canadian wildfires)
creating, generating, loosing,
rousing and yawning miniature clouds  
that formed a gauzy window.

Thru this opaque grounded soundcloud
ether movements detected.

Eight tentacles (similar
to Octopus teacher viewed
courtesy NetFlix)
shredded this faux misty shroud
and quickly, yet gently grabbed me.

I found myself on-board
a battle gray extra-terrestrial object.

Fate delivered me out of desperation
into the "hands" of what appeared
as the most surreal setting
created by ingenious
computer graphics technicians.

Nanny boo boo
uttered the creature
from black abyss.

Since what sounded
like outer space gibberish
as a second language
not an elective when I attended
Methacton High School,
(nor colleges for that matter),
an automatic reflex took over.

I offered a gap toothed
(i.e. Alfred E. Neuman trademark -
what me worry) wry smile
foreigners (vaguely resembling
grateful dead foo fighters
didn't get MAD at me.

An immediate interest
arose from these outliers
at the ultra thin metallic post
sticking atop me noggin.

Robotic, galactic and electronic signals
broadcast and received
courtesy said antenna.

Nevertheless, a crazy idea occurred.

Maybe these foreigners
from another galaxy
could secure long overdue
permanent implanted teeth
(in place of these ill fitting dentures)
without charging an arm or leg.

Ha!

Non-verbal communication
resorted to as a necessary expedient
to establish comprehension
and self preservation!

Additionally, the notion
to avoid any action interpreted
as hostile best be applied
even at the expense
of being whisked away
(no matter mine very fantasy  
far out and groovy whim)
countless light-years from
1148 Greentree Lane,
Narberth, Pennsylvania.

Psychiatric medications:
BUSPIRONE TAB 15MG,
CLOMIPRAMINE CAP 50MG,
CLONAZEPAM TAB 0.5MG,
FLUOXETINE CAP 40MG,
(GLYCOPYRROLATE, TAB 2MG,
PRAZOSIN HCL CAP 5MG,
PRAZOSIN HCL CAP 1MG,
RISPERIDONE TAB 1MG,
ROPINIROLE  HCL 0.5MG
prescribed by Doctor David Lee Wrought)
most definitely eased anxiety
per dread locked terror
that loomed large
within my quite active imagination.

I willingly made clear
(using all manner of gesticulations)
to surrender myself,
which idea triggered
a flickering googly eyed excitement.

Wow!

This bizarre situation
could offer golden opportunity
to escape the tragedies
of terrestrial existence,
and perhaps get linkedin
with another weird
organic life form
ideally non human
or not otherwise specified.

Once this electric like surge
coursed thru each fiber,
I brazenly approached
the other-worldly specimens
guarding their shimmering craft,
which appeared to hover
just barely above the perimeter
slated to be another
state of the art wing of this campus.

I hemmed and hawed
with tentative steps
before nonchalantly
scaling the hydraulically propelled ladder.

At once, an immediate
whoosh took place.

After these myopic eyes
adjusted to the scene,
I observed an identical
earth like landscape and heard
what sounded
like the most melodious chimes.

Actually, that globe happened
to be dear third rock from the sun
as viewed from the nearest window.

Upon setting foot into the structure,
an automatic accelerator activated
before the spaceship
jettisoned and sped away
Mötley Crüe at warp speed.

Within my mind, I thought
what to do to pass the time???

Instantaneous sans any desire
promulgated that very wish.

Ah!

Perchance, these ethereal creatures
(large, medium and small)
conveyed messages telepathically?

I put this hypothesis
to a rudimentary
electric kool aid acid test.

Within my mind,
I silently uttered Matthew Scott Harris.

An instant reply came back - in my head.

Every one of these
wraith-like cosmic nomads
understood whims wirelessly,
albeit telepathically
thus believing yours truly
(me self) to breathe easy
said species reduced signals
to digital bits
and/or hallowed weaned bytes.

Upon waking up, I realized
the aforementioned a dream
to be continued…
in another millennium or so.

a willing experimental subject
to escape untenable married life.

Upon falling into a deep slumber,
the following subconscious
somnambulant scenario arose
allowing, enabling, and providing
temporary alleviation from
outa harried married state.  
  
Out of a tendency to be impetuous,
and oblivious to danger,
I voluntarily let myself get abducted
by this gruesome green
Geico looking alien ghoul.

Any resemblance between the following
piece meal description being kidnapped
by an alien (from another
condemn nation in the cosmos),
and married life purely coincidental.

Although pitch-black that hot summer
July night 20xx, an ominous
ghastly shape could lumbered
near the skeletal partially built addition
at Lower Merion High School.

This phantasmagorical amorphous,
diaphanous, illustrious, portentous...
entity hovered outside
the phosphorescent flying saucer.

I stood stock still as my cold breath
created miniature clouds that formed
a gauzy window,
thru which opaque
ether real movements detected.

Eight tentacles sporting
2,240 suction cups  
used to grip, taste, and smell
(similar to Octopus teacher
viewed courtesy NetFlix)
shredded this faux misty shroud
and quickly, yet gently grabbed me.

I found myself on-board
a battle gray extra-terrestrial object.

Fate delivered me into the "hands"
of what appeared the most surreal setting
created by ingenious
computer graphics technicians.

Nanny boo boo
uttered the creature from black abyss.

Since what sounded like
outer space gibberish
as a second language not an elective
when I attended Methacton High School
nearly two and a half score years ago
(nor colleges for that matter),
an automatic reflex took over.

I offered a gap toothed
(i.e. Alfred E. Neuman -
what me worry) wry smile.

An immediate interest arose
from these outliers at the ultra thin
metallic post sticking atop me noggin.

As a human robot electronic signals broadcast
and received courtesy said antenna.

Nevertheless, a crazy idea occurred.

Maybe these foreigners
from another galaxy could secure
long overdue permanent implanted teeth
(in place of these ill fitting dentures)
and extricate me out volatile pledged troth
without charging an arm or leg.

Ha!

Non-verbal communication
resorted to as a necessary expedient
to establish comprehension
and self preservation.

Additionally, the notion
to avoid any action interpreted
as hostile best be applied
even at the expense
of forsaking being whisked away
countless light-years
from 1148 Greentree Lane,
Narberth, Pennsylvania.

Psychiatric medications re:
(GLYCOPYRROLATE, TAB 2MG,
CLOMIPRAMINE CAP 50MG,
RISPERIDONE TAB 1MG,
FLUOXETINE CAP 20MG,
PRAZOSIN HCL CAP5MG,
BUSPIRONE TAB 15MG,
PRAMIPEXOLE TAB 1MG,
CLONAZEPAM TAB 0.5MG,
and AMITIZA 24 MCG -
prescription laxative)
prescribed by Doctor David Lee Wrought)
most definitely eased anxiety
per dread locked terror
that loomed large
within my quite active imagination.

I willingly made clear
(using all manner of gesticulations)
to surrender myself,
which idea triggered
a flicker of excitement.
    
Wow!
    
This bizarre situation could offer
this golden opportunity
to escape the tragedies
of terrestrial existence
and perhaps link up
with another weird organic life form
human or otherwise.
    
Once this electric like surge
coursed thru each fiber,
I brazenly approached
the other-worldly specimens
guarding their shimmering craft,
which appeared to hover just barely
above the perimeter slated
to be another state of the art
wing of this campus.

I hemmed and hawed
with tentative steps
before nonchalantly scaling
the hydraulically propelled ladder.

At once, an immediate whoosh took place.
    
After these myopic eyes
adjusted to the scene,
I observed an identical earth like landscape
and heard what sounded
like the most melodious chimes.

Actually, that globe happened
to be dear third rock from the sun
as viewed from the nearest window.

Upon setting foot into the structure,
an automatic accelerator
jettisoned this motley crue at warp speed.

Within my mind, I thought
what to do to pass the time???

Instantaneous sans any desire
promulgated that very wish.
    
Ah!
    
Perchance, these ethereal creatures
(large and small)
conveyed messages telepathically?

I put this hypothesis to a rudimentary
electric kool aid acid test.

Within my mind, I silently uttered
Matthew Scott Harris.

An instant reply came back - in my head.

Every one of these wraith-like
cosmic nomads understood
wordless wireless whims,
thus believing yours truly
(me self) to believe said species
reduced signals to digital bits
and/or hallowed weaned bytes.

Upon waking up,
I realized the aforementioned a dream
merrily rowing me thru illusory time stream.

Self destructive wickedness arrested, convicted, and gaoled...

with kidnapping little boy
ordered to suffer
life sentence without parole.

The deadly scourge of  
one obsessive/compulsive disorder
nearly left me starving to death.

Anorexia nervosa absent bulimia
nadir of onset
diagnoses schizoid personality disorder
severe social anxiety still legion I aire
behavior which agonizingly
elicited slow suicide
courtesy self starvation
maelstrom within psyche of self
as prepubescent lad
(particularly devastated  
immediate family members)
as emaciation pitted existential
revulsion from unseen

wuthering heights
betook courtesy yours truly
teased, hectored, and called “professor,”
when riding the school bus
nearly wrung death knell
annihilating fragile entity
christened Matthew Scott Harris
with peremptory imprimatur
yielding covalent bond to life
readily obvious to kith and kin
via zorro like signature per
profound perilous depressive
psychological state.

Now - at about
three decades plus six years
from attaining rank of centenarian
perfect 20/20 hindsight
offers supreme advantage from
swift current near drowning
alluded earlier when das scribe
juiced thwarted leapfrogging
from pollywog tad metamorphosed
to witness puberty,
whence devastating emotional
crisis tripped, trilled,

and tricked aborted
natural healthy development
chronological denouement demise
jump/kick started
theorizing  numerous educated guesses
within mind of
middle progeny and sole sol
(of the both late father and mother
Boyce and Harriet Harris) respectively
why he willfully hurtled his flesh
at light speed
down the abyss toward death.

Literal and physical lightness of being
manifested within nooks and crannies
prior to full blown symptoms
to eliminate sustenance
drawing the curtain on brief residence
way before high noon of life.
  
Metamorphosis from boyhood
kindled burning man
found solace in attempting
to keep at bay of pigs hijacked
natural cycle, which seminal
transformation grieved me
to pine for nostalgic childhood’s end
(albeit one fraught with romanticism)
vengefully interpreted attempt
to halt dead in the tracks
intervention of mother,
whose nursing experience helped
fend off passive attempt
to promulgate passive
silent plan to fruition.

She whipped various nutritious
concoctions in the blender
to ensure minimal essentials to this,
I readily admit) famished body
in conjunction with applying
vital supplements into
one or the other skeletal
gluteus maximus
thru fuel injection,
which submissiveness to acquiesce,
and bare bony buttocks

to receive iron injections
did absolutely nothing
to squelch death wish.
I inexorably did buzzfeed
hashtagged eating disorder
to go on a deadly hunger strike,
which essentially constituted
declaration of independent control
despite horrendous craving
for food jabbed innards like a pike
bifurcated psychic division

to live ousted coeval death wish goal
to seize yore reminiscent  
blissful, (albeit fictional) childhood
over flooded self made ****** ****
engaging, engendering, engineering
propensity to catapult yours truly
into abysmal emotional hole
and way before the invention
of Facebook, I mentally clicked like
to surrender mailer daemons all
of me healthy development stole.

Imprimatur indelibly etched decades
after bout with passive exit from life
crimp on ******/social skills plus
stunted physical growth cuts like a knife
affecting mental health with panic attacks
and anxiety although existence
considerably less riddled qua
debilitating symptoms
(such as vertigo, racing heart,
profuse sweating, nausea, irritable bowels)

relying on the following prescription medications:
BUSPIRONE HCL 15 MG TABLET
CLOMIPRAMINE 50 MG CAPSULE
CLONAZEPAM 0.5 MG TABLET
FLUOXETINE HCL 40 MG CAPSULE
GLYCOPYRROLATE 2 MG TABLET
PRAZOSIN 1 MG CAPSULE
PRAZOSIN 5 MG CAPSULE
RISPIRIDONE 1 MG TABLET
ROPINIROLE HCL 1 MG TABLET.

To add insult to injury
yours truly also gifted
courtesy split uvula
but did little to ameliorate
the writer of these words
suffering brickbats as scape goat,
whereby severe adenoidal vocalizations
allowed, enabled, and provided
an easy target viz black barbs
poised to strike, hurled,
and bullied me by peers.

Up until I entered six grade
(at Henry Kline elementary -
a one classroom per grade school)
classmates bullied, derided,
and feigned to hammer -
jabbing leering, nasty pimping ragout as a rule
which boyhood self of mine availed
a perfect bullseye target
with combination of diminutiveness,
being painfully quiet,

essentially remaining mum the entire day
except when called upon
to answer question
thence utterance emanating between lips
produced and emitted
a strong nasal sound to boot
grist for the mill
sans malice meted, mimicked,
and mocked mashup
of mine warped congestion
ah, twas only by a fluke conversation,

whence speech pathologist
informed my parents about
The Lancaster cleft palate clinic,
where oral an examination
revealed minor birth defect
identified as a submucous cleft palate,
which explained the severe pinched twang
somewhat mitigated by wearing
a removable prosthetic
fastened with clasps to upper teeth

whereby a makeshift miniature
plastic protuberance closed the gap
(at the expense of practically gagging me)
so air would be prevented
passing thru my button nose,
and thus gentle and soft as a shutterfly
shunted air out oral opening
though congenital defect disallowed
returning merchandise back to sender
nor could blame be affixed

at either father nor mother
who both harbored the genetic mutation
now such admissions
re: aforementioned impediment allows,
enables and provides boasting rights
if in a mood temper
any curiosity or satisfying a rumor
whispered down the alley
whence I said “ah”
left nagging nincompoops
as if pie hole filled with a gobstopper.

Discombobulation thunderously
torments, triumphs, tumults
courtesy deafening,
earsplitting, fracturing...
(think emotional bomb cyclone),
whereby unbearable mental anguish
rents psyche asunder

into bajillion pieces
singular recourse necessitates
invoking cerebral powers
to engender feeling
comfortably numb skull,
hence tried and true value accorded

transcendental meditation practice
offering absolutely zero choice
incumbent upon yours truly
to remedy cerebral chaos,
an unpleasant quotidian experience,
whenever yours truly

exits deep sleep
more potent and holistic solution
versus following pharmacological medications:
GLYCOPYRROLATE, TAB 2MG
CLOMIPRAMINE CAP 50MG
RISPERIDONE TAB 1MG
FLUOXETINE CAP 20MG
PRAZOSIN HCL CAP1MG
BUSPIRONE TAB 15MG
PRAMIPEXOLE TAB 1MG
CLONAZEPAM TAB 0.5MG
AMITIZA 24 MCG
(prescription laxative as needed)

the former closed eye process
to instill peace of mind,
plus elevating cosmic consciousness
allowing, enabling and providing

pronouncedly heightened awareness
acutely poignant insight
permeating throughout this body electric
calming, fanning, jumpstarting
vitally important discipline
in order for lifetime anxiety riddled

disabling affliction upends
potential to satiate existence
(oft times state of severe panic -
triggering chronic sweaty palms
extremely bothersome
physiological manifestation

induces suicidal ideation
i.e. opened arms death welcomed),
which onset regarding
ordinary agitated state
inchoate congenital malady
probably coalesced in utero

extremely intolerable,
especially incorporating socialization,
cuz no contra dance partner
(cue Irish jig and reel
musicians playing lively tunes)
favors grasping hand
analogous to wet dishrag.