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Kerrigan Reyes Jan 2015
They watch me closely
They feed me with pills
Until I'm fat and unhealthy
They show me the hospital bills
nine-thousand dollars for me
being sent to a facility.

I'm drugged up and ****** up
Is that rabbit really there?
I lay in my bed then I sit up
Am I really, truly, honestly here?

My plan didn't work unfortunately
I woke up in a hospital
with an IV dropping ever so slowly
"How could you be so irresponsible?"

Wellbutrin, Geodon, Zoloft and Clozapine
Latuda, Synthroid, Seroquel and Clomipramine
One after the other goes into my mouth
Lined inside my little pill box pouch.

Maybe life will get better some day
Not today, or tomorrow, or next week
But someday, I promise you, I'll be okay
I am no longer a failure, I am no longer meek.
Kerrigan Reyes May 2014
Rain go away
come out and play
in the beautiful rain
all day, all day(:
  May 2014 Kerrigan Reyes
Lucy Marie
I spend a lot of my time trying to arrange pretty words into pretty sentences to explain how I feel about you.
But only because my feelings are not very pretty and need to be disguised
Because you cannot simply tell someone  that you would be dead without them.
It makes people uncomfortable.
So instead I'll tell you about how you make my tipsy, intoxicated-till-numb soul feel a little but more safe and at home.
And that my scarred body, made in the image of my scarred heart, may be a bit too cut up to bare any resemblance anymore.
And that I no longer think of time as "moments until I die", but rather "moments until I see you again" or "moments until 'I do.'"
And while I still have my days where not a single thing could ever even hope to "fix" me
Every other day, you do without any resistance.

Days like these, I don’t even know what’s real and what isn’t.
Days like these, I don’t know if it’s all in my head or if life is really like this.
Days like these, I drive myself insane trying to figure out the truth to questions that haven’t even been answered.
Days like these, I scratch myself raw and ****** until things feel safe.
Days like these, I don’t want to be spoken to, or even looked at.
Days like these, I forget how to do normal human things like writing and eating.
Days like these, all I’m really capable of is loving you.

Days like these, I need you.
Days like these, you’re always there.
Kerrigan Reyes May 2014
The cold
is too close for comfort
The hot
is too far away for love.
The warmth
is never there
despite how hot
I turn the shower on
I'll always be frozen
from the outside in.
  Apr 2014 Kerrigan Reyes
Xyns
I wrote on myself last night

I wrote the words

                                                          Vile

            Broken

                                                                                            *****

                                            Alone

                      Ugly

                                                                             Fat

                                                    Pale

     Stupid

                                                                                     ****

                              Inferior

                                                                                                            Lonely

                 Sad

                                                          Awkward

                          Weird

                                                                                        Worthless

I wrote them with sharpie

And then I took my pocket knife

Freshly sharpened

And I cut the words into my skin

I cut lines across my thighs

And I watched all the ink sink in

"They say that ink poisoning can **** you

Well, welcome death

To my body. To my temple."

That's what I said

Later, I got in the shower

And I scrubbed off the writing

I scrubbed until my flesh was raw

There was even a little more bleeding

I marked DAY 3 off the calendar

And I went to bed

This morning I woke up

I plastered a smile on my face

And prepared for the day

To see the only one who makes me happy

And keeps me sane

At least when he is around

Soon I'll go home and do like usual

I'll pull out the sharpies

And again I'll sharpen my pocket knife

I'll make a long list of words

And I'll repeat the night before

But tonight I might not cry as much

Even though the pain will be 10 times worse
Kerrigan Reyes Apr 2014
When the dewdrops fall
on the rocky hard surface
of your grandparents face
as they find out what you're made of
drugs and ***, *** and drugs
is all you've been doing
to survive through the pain
of endless torture, aren't we all the same?
We look for the highs, we search for the lows
trying to determine what is our worth?
When the dewdrops fall
on your weathered parents faces
the stress that you've caused
make their hair gray in places
but they still adore you
through and through
until the end of time.
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