all at once, and little by little, i fell in love. for the first time in my life, it didn't feel like something i needed to force or prove. it simply was. is. and thinking about her, us, the simple, the fun, and the delightfully mundane fills my heart to burst in a way that feels like a secure embrace and a soft kiss on my forehead. i love the sound of her voice, her long-winded stories, and her goofy laugh that betrays the surliness she'd sometimes feign to avoid feeling too much, too quickly. i am seen and heard and loved and valued, and it feels so effortless. never in my days did I imagine wanting to cheerlead and love and support someone so fully, to point it inward and treat myself the same. blues and greens and purples and pinks have never been brighter to me, saturated by the richness of each tender brush stroke in our ongoing tapestry. i love being in love and i love the woman that taught me how to eat the sun and let it go before the moon can miss it.

What ARE you DOING about YOUR depression?
If I hear that one more ******* time.
Ugh! I'll rip my hair out.
Besides everything within my power,  
I'd like to reiterate that
I didn't choose this,
There is no on or off switch.
You just ride it out until it ends.
I can only fake smile so much.
The plays curtains are closing
Right on top of me.
Don't act like you're not the stage hand
Who should have made sure
Those lines where checked.
Do I have to worry about the lights falling on me next performance?
Repulsed by my voice cracking
Upon the ridiculous question.
I've been in therapy for nearly a year.
I'd call that something.
Sure, I fall to old vices,
I ******* HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
I can only lie and cheerlead myself to the extent that eventually my brain calls "*******, where is the evidence?"
I'm at a loss.
Relapse doesn't have a switch,
You of all people should understand that.
I've done a pretty ******* good job of resisting those vices.
But they sing like sirens.
I want to thrive,
But I'm crawling in the mud.
Reaching for the towel
in your hand,
But it's just out of reach,
And your eyes fixed to Silicon distractions, can't hear me SCREAMING.
I'm trying to do this without your help,
But don't expect me to do it alone and not be at a red alert all the time.
You told me to "just stop crying" recently.
I didn't hear you,
I heard my father.
I became the submissive dog that I am.
It's easier to accept blame and guilt,
Than it is to argue with someone.