I am a happy person. I’m full of love and happiness. I welcome mornings with a smile and will to be alive. But that time came, the time when it’s so hard to get up in the morning. The time when it’s so hard to eat; to talk; and even to breathe. The time when I thought giving up is the only solution to all of this. The time when sadness, anger, confusion, and hopelessness ate me alive.

I personally didn’t think I can make it, but you did.

For the friend who stood by me when I can’t even stand on my own; who stood by me through the disaster; who never left me; who never let go of my hand, telling me that everything will be okay and this disaster will fade and will turn into rainbows and ponies.

For the friend who never judged me because of who I am and what I am going through; who accepted my flaws; who helped me embrace my own; who endured the times when my heart and mind ached, grieved, and tortured, and believed in me, that I can be healed and recovered.

For the friend who, when everything was falling apart for me, gave me hope; who gave me a place to live and air to breathe; who gave me the strength and will to live; who gave me faith that this world wasn’t a source of vexation and pain and everything will begin to change.

For the friend who never stopped telling me that this will all end - that it will take a while but it will all be worth it; who never gets tired of picking up the broken pieces of myself; who never gets so sick of joining me to sit in the dark and go through my paranoid mind; who never gave up on me, pushing me to make it through the storm eating me alive.

You made me smile when I thought I couldn’t.
You embraced me with love and care.
You spitted out words that made me strong.
You made me believe that I can make it.
You waited for me to heal.
You saw me at my worst yet you never stopped.
You never left.

Thank you.

"You're like the sunset" I said to her

"Why?" she answered.

I stared to the sunset while saying,

"Sunsets are beautiful. Everyone loves it even though they can only stare or look at it. But nobody owns them. Nobody can own them."

"Just like you" I said quietly as if she won't hear it.

Because its 2am
                                
                                                and im sitting in my bedroom alone

    thinking of ways to **** myself
                  thinking of reasons to hate myself  

                                                                  while you're sleeping



because I told you I was fine.

What is
depression -
a sharpening of
knives,
an impending
doom not so unfamiliar.
You stop
listening to the drumming
of the earth,
though you
only lay on the ground
night after night
in a soft worship
of the body
after plight -
your mind rages on
but your body is quiet.
Your friends move on
your sister moves on
your father moves on
everything you ever loved
moves on
without you.
You study stillness,
and illness
and wellness
and hold them
at the tips of your fingers.
You know
where to be
and why to be
and when to be
but it’s the how
that becomes
disillusionment
disappointment,
a siren,
a blade,
a way
to say goodbye.
But
if you hold on
to moments
on the train,
in the kindness
of strangers,
in the way
the sun always rises
even after the darkest,
most hollow
nights,
maybe,
just maybe,
you could on
to yourself.

1017

K A L A Y A A N
Tila kaygandang pakinggan,
Pero nung minsang sinabi ****
"Malaya ka na"
**Pwede ko bang hindian?