I don't know
what I was thinking
when I decided to post
my most deep, dark
personal thoughts online.

I'm practically invisible
located in a sanctuary
I'm just horrified by what's
possible, it's all mental
who's reading this?

don't tell me
I don't want to
know you, and I don't
want you to know
the real me

let me be
I wanna be free
I'm sick of your judgement
whether it be real
or all mental

who's reading this?
don't tell me, please
I'm filled with anxious curiosity
don't forget, I'm contradictory
let me be

do you ever wonder what's out there?

past the stereotypical clowns
living in your hometown

once you drive out of reach from the pests
claiming that you aren't "your best"

when you're no longer trapped behind school doors
where all that matters is a test score

rather, in a place
where you could paint the days away

a place you could freely tour
the sea, museums, or a jungle floor

the places in my dreams
could be exactly what they seem

I've always wondered what's out there.

I promised I'd give writing a go again
so here I am

restlessly searching through
everything I've ever known
begging for something to write about

I've been happy lately I think

well I haven't wanted to self harm
well I have been eating
well I haven't cried much

crying rather

crying because I want things I can't have
crying because of music I love dearly
crying because I miss you

you are who made me like this

I love the amazement in his eyes
as he watches me paint
the way he can't stop staring, he
makes me feel that I've got talent

I love how excited he gets
when he shows me a funny vine
unlike many people, he
makes me feel I'm worth his time

but he, he is not you

it's you I want against my skin
with no concept on time
the way your warmth caresses my soul
so I'd truly know you're mine

it's you I'd get excitement for
as you graze across my cheek
I'd watch you do the things you love
sadly, that's not me

"write another poem"
he said a few weeks ago
I told him, "never again"
but I have thoughts I can't expose

life is much too short, you see
they say to enjoy each day
but I'm absolutely sorry
sometimes I think a different way

I'm not suicidal though
I love the life I live
the pain of seeing your loved one go
isn't one I intend to give

I don't know what these feelings are
or why I think this way
but like I've previously states
my plan for a while is to stay

some days I feel so trapped inside
my conscious, hear me out
I'm screaming through my blank stares
that you couldn't care less about

the life I live is beautiful
people, animals, flowers, rain
I'm happy but sometimes in ways
I think I'm mentally insane

I don't know what I'm saying
I'm too contradictory for such words
he asked me for this poem
but my thoughts are too absurd

I am an egg shell
broken and torn
left alone when you no longer need me
cracks in the sense I make
or the jokes I think are funny
once so pure holding life inside me
you take all I have to give
(but sometimes I give too much)
here I am, a broken exterior
left to wonder what will happen next
I am an egg shell