Before you dream of me tonight
you must first know,
I lost myself.

When I get close to someone,
I lose them.
Which is why I don’t get attached,
anymore.

I’ve learned not to love,
never attach
not even to myself.
In case I unknowingly decide to leave,
too.

Mother never told me
Every person, every item
Every friendship, all the promised words and pinky promises,
are gone.

Mother never told me
If you try to call the dead,
the phone won’t ring;.
They’re gone, and they’re never coming back.

So I’ve learned not to love,
never attach.
They all seem to leave
anyway.

There are plenty of things mother
never told me about, and
these unfamiliar obstacles seem to
pop out at me,
when I least expect it.
Mother never told me how love isn’t always enough
to keep a relationship.

I’m not sure if I want to grow up any more.
I miss the crazed emotions I often felt as I kid.
When I fell asleep on the couch,
but woke up in my bed.
When I didn’t care about what I was wearing.
When my biggest fear was the dark.

I want to be afraid of the monsters hiding under my bed,
not in my head.
Can I be afraid of bugs and cuts?
Not heartbreak.
Not death.
Not growing up.

What’s the point in being afraid,
when every fear we have,
becomes a part of us.

Always remember to
Not be afraid
anymore, your fears are a part of you;
a part of you
that you’ve yet to discover.

autophobia;

fear of being alone or of oneself

as I lie awake beside you,
and you allow sleep to qualm your stresses from the day,
I'm suddenly very aware of the pillow underneath my head
and note how it feels nothing like my head on your chest.
I do not mind the firmness of your muscles,
or the heartbeat that echoes beneath my ear.
your warmth does what this overpriced spaceheater never could,
but still I keep my distance.
fear of getting too close almost rivals claustrophobia, in a sense.
I long to overcome the worries of having nowhere to go but your arms,
but I fear everything may crumble should I try to overcome it.
I do not want to push.
the walls are closing in on you,
and you insist I stay away.
I would take the risks and hold you closer
but I fear my arms would be too reminiscent of the world swallowing you.
i do not want to panic.
I do not want you to push back.
so I keep my distance.
so I lie awake beside you,
cursing my pillow for not feeling like your chest.
I worry the space between us under covers is not enough,
and if the couch is a better home for my worry.
you deserve the bed to yourself tonight.
though this room is vast and I cannot fight the chill this space heater can never seem to pummel,
I know I should not get too close.
while my fear is being alone,
that is what you long to be.

will you be with me
when the sun rises?

will you be the sun?

I'm sorry for inviting myself I just wanted to spend more time with you
And if I'm in your way I'll stand in the corner and wait for you

Now I'm sorry to be a bother but do you think I can have some water
To wash away my insecurities but I know you'll give them back to me

I don't know what you want from me but I just want your company
Find what you're looking for and take it all from me

Walk in my shoes for a day I have nothing more to take
Come on just give me a break if not for me for goodness sake

While you're pushing me away remember what I say
You might think you'd be happy but I know that you'll be sorry

So take your time but don't be long give me a feeling that I belong
I know everything about this is wrong but I'm just not very strong

Hello!
I would introduce myself
But I can’t find a name that fits this shell
So let me try to explain

My name is Soldier
Founded in a time when I could take anything
But most just see me bear through what I can lately
Now I stay hidden between the folds in my heart that are never seen
Blown away with the wind of my open arms
And used constantly attached to pieces seen only by few

This name can make me seem cold
Distant
Almost nullified
But it holds my heart safely
Hidden from the days of mental beatings
Somehow waltzing through the door in waves
Giving me strength to walk into tomorrow

My name is Metathesiophobia
But most call me the fear of change
I manifest in that new schedule that won’t stay the same
People choosing to come and go
Using your heart as a new door mat
New plans
Never discussed, just plans
Or never fully knowing what will be to come

My name is Autophobia
But most call me the fear of abandonment
That little tick at the back of your mind
Reminding you ever now and then
This won’t last
This isn’t your home
They W I L L leave

This name can affect my acts
Make me seem clingy
Almost obsessive
Broken into puzzle pieces
Stolen by those passing by
They sit for only a moment
Then  f   l   e   e  to new adventures
Leaving you just a little less complete

My name is Philophobia
But most call me the fear of falling in love
With the common moniker of their worst nightmare

Don’t worry
I only strike when it’s too late to protect yourself
Leaving you on the ground
Gulping for air like a fish just fresh from the sea

I’m a shapeshifter
Taking form of that “new girl”
That guy with all the weird ideas
Someone you never thought was me
Or that one that you’ll never see again

I’ll try to be nice
But no promises

Hello.
My name is Soldier
Metathesiophobia
Autophobia
Philophobia
My name
Is whatever you want it to be

The door is always open
Just make sure if you choose to stay a while
Hang your hat
Take a load off
And shut the door behind you when you turn to leave
Because after the scars left over my sunken shoulders
I won’t bear to be able to let another take your place

To fear the unknown,
A gentle soul, engulfed in the flames of its own insecurities,
All alone, it craves a delicate touch, a sign, or just a simple smile,
Weakened by the taste of isolation, prohibited from ever reaching the truth, one may become bitter, or filled with unending hate for others.
Why were they allowed the gift, to roam free, to experience love,
Scattered alike moonlight, are the thoughts of such damaged mind,
Nethertheless this dismay shall take over, until nothing remains,
And so, this soul is burnt by its own heart, slowly withering away in the never ending stream of time, softly, gently giving up all hope,
Until that fateful day may come, and another caring soul rescues it,
But, for now, as all sound and colours fade into angst and despair,
It shall rest, in the confinement of the abyss.
Continuously wondering, when the day may come,
Wondering if it will ever feel again.

~ Umi

What is he?
Fear...yes, definitely fear
Not just the weak and wobbly anxiety that feasts on the insides
But the kind that stands up and paints a bright
Confidence over it, masking the emptiness
The kind that fills him over others

There are many fears
Athazagoraphobia
Autophobia
Separation anxiety
It's just who he is

Ever since my memory could implement



I had been ****** by the element of



A chronic case of bleak self loathe



As demonic whispers trail behind me





Casting opinions derived from self fear



To create fear as well as supreme hatred



Of its creator, stimulating my cerebellum



Driving my thoughts to shocking venues





Teaching me to hate the very person that I am



As softly I crooned in silence to myself



'I never wanted for this to happen.'



'I had never wished for hate



To devour my integrity.'





Yet it transformed my dreams in to nightmares



Shadowing my innate ability to project myself



It has thrusted me into a scenery of destruction



Refusing to cease its latch on the core of my life





And now my body has been swamped by an ocean



Of despicable promises and gruesome macabre oaths



My only request is to be free of this incarceration



Of autophobia before I am driven to the edge of suicide

The whispers of madness now leach through the walls
and darkness it draws ever near
buried in sorrow, hope faded away
and left only anger and fear.

I do not fear death everlasting
nor the weight of a judgement long due.
What I fear is the monster I harbour
as I'm slowly but surely consumed.