the star in the sky
that will guide me home.
the flicker of light i've been waiting for to make this journey through darkness less treacherous.
finally a shard of hope i've been awaiting for far too long.  
i'm trying to engrave myself
smiling alongside the four of you.
it's nothing compared to what it would be like being there.
there i would be home
and i'd feel warm.
it'd rid me of this emptiness,
this heart would finally feel whole again.

maybe then i would feel...

                                                  *complete

i'm dying on the inside.
the ghost that follows can't seem
to neglect even a single step.
the ground i've built for myself
isn't strong enough,
i'm beginning to fall.
my demons are sewn to my shoulder,
constantly whispering (give up)
the thought flurries
throughout my head.
the future is bleak, dark like my past.
i don't know,

            I JUST DON'T KNOW!

this cannot be living,
i'm already dead to myself.
i ran out of the last little  
bit of hope i had invested...
that light went out a long time ago.

the only thing
i find myself comfortable with,
are the long lonely bus rides.
i find myself memorizing things
i could care less about,
but i just can't stop myself from letting
these eyes wander and take in surroundings
that are no longer new to me.
(i close my eyes)
the same familiar faces come through
the automatic door.
workers, children, or that grumpy old man
who forgets where he's headed,
never the person i'm hoping for.
the only thing keeping me from given up,
is the thought of you on the other
end of this map waiting for me.
i just hope i'm not too late.

i chose to be inebriated by you
and no antidote can recover me anymore,
so i lay here prone,
overthinking about you.
your words, they penetrated me.
internally and externally, so smile
with happiness so the purpose
of your words can exist on me.
as i close my eyes to go to lay dormant
i can mentally see images of you
as if they are embedded
to the interior of my eyelids.
promise me you will stay.

i am the fine print
                
          behind every choice

you will

           make

i just want to die.
the bullet pressing
against my head,
the pills at the tip of
my tongue, blades scratching
against my skin, tearing
inside of me apart.
in a second the silent pin drops
like the delicate dead body
against the window ledge
as he lands, the blood pools
and spills from all directions
and soon public tears dilute the
crimson blood creating a river.

i left myself alone and stranded
without a map or the slightest
clue on how to get out of this mess.
i hate myself for causing you so much agony.
i find myself lying wide awake at night,
being eaten alive by the thought of
how much pain i caused you.
i wish something as simple as the rain
could mend that broken heart of yours,
but i promise i will prove myself, with each
stitch i sew, slowly fabricating each
scattered piece of heart until
you can finally feel whole again.
i am beginning to realize that home
is where the heart is, and that place
is back with you.
this lost boy is ready to come home.

                                 *i'm sorry