Once I saw a butterfly
It was pretty and red
It felt kinda funny
The smile on my face
And it only grew
I brought that butterfly
And it was you

Before I knew you

There were sad days
There were still tears
I still exploded

Keep in mind

Before you, I was an atomic bomb
Before you, I was always sad
Before you, I saw no meaning in myself
Before you, I was nothing

Pills pills
I cannot taste
Pills pills
I cannot feel
Pills pills
Down the drain
Now go on you beauties
Come turn me pale

Brown eyes
Brown skin
Brown hair
Just how I was brought in
They say that I'm brown
And it's in my blood
What I am marked by
And I'm tried for this crime
My brown blood is the why
Hear the snap of their noose
My brown heart will now die

Stubborn
Bored
Afraid
Easy to describe
I'm not really anybody
I'm angry
I'm arrogant
I try too hard
I am like everyone else
I want to be what everyone is
I'm crazy
I'm stupid
I'm nobody else
Nothing new
And I know now
That's okay

I'll say I've seen
Something far more beautiful
But the truth is
After you flew away,
I never saw another butterfly

We call ourselves weak
close my eyes
I'm at my peak
My rage has reached the top
My reign won't ever stop
I'm screaming at the ground
Burn this place down
"I hope you didn't care
Little gay looking boy
Not okay little boy
They all spit the venom in your face little boy!"
I'm rising up
Higher than the highest high
Cuz I hit my lowest low
I lost that last relapse battle
We're all stuck with our salary
Listening just to call the fallacy
Don't climb the tree
Pull lies outta me
I'm done
Lost and gone
Back to the beginning
This is how I bleed
Call the end finality

It begins with the few
The few become many
Another few rebels
And they become many
The many grow larger
Large enough to destroy the few
The mant out weigh now
You no longer own you

I was no different
I still pushed in the morning
I still stared at a cold screen
I said, "I love you"
I still hurt the girl
I still fall and I fail
Pull the frail curtain back over my eyes
I've seen too much to not die.
One more burial, oh come to the service
A farewell until the new
No matter where I or you shall go
one thing is true:
I will always love you

There cannot be thrill
An empty happiness
Unable to feel
We're pawns in this eternal chess
Sacrifices for the higher
Not allowed to think
Move forward
****
Move forward
Die
Liars in this plot
Lambs for the feast
Crucial pieces of this
Least of the most
You play yourself
Death is your host
Welcome to Hell
You lose when you lose

I hate what I write
Page by page of scratched out thoughts
Word by word; more annoying
I hate you
I hate you
The page is the mirror
My words are my reflection
Ugly
Ugly
Not real
You are not new
You are everyone else
They won't love you
There is never an end
Day after day
I feel dumb again

I'm cool
You're cool
We're cool

A hop and a skip
A man on a trip
Everyone stays here
I say let's go
Where do we run to?
We're here at a show
Now go take a bow
The curtain is falling
Just like my tears
Life is a play
And you're a prop
You've got nothing to say

Your beauty is beyond compare.
You have eyes that shine,
And beautiful, soft hair.
If only you were mine.

I am not a strong man
Nor am I brave,
But for you I would stand;
It'd be you that I save.

Instead you have left me
And I love you today.
With your light that we see
Why was sanity the price to pay?

The deeper I bleed
The more at home I am

The more I feel
The less I become

Numbness

Simply feeling for the sake of existing
Is all I could ever know

Why do I even live?

I don't deserve my life,
Yet it's never been taken.

Perhaps it would be better if I said goodbye and bled myself dry

There's a thorn in my finger
I pull and watch the black pour out
Watch as anger takes me into stone
I stop
Frozen in place
Filled with a dark heart
I spring back to life
Leaping at the enemies that put knives into me
But as soon as I walk away
The feelings fade
No knives
No ******
Just me
Alone with a dark heart
Alone with black blood
A monster inside
A passion of mine
Escape is no option
Can't run
But I'll hide

You wake up in the morning
and breathe in the air
It's cold and polluted
It makes your heart bare
You **** the silence with a long drawn-out yawn
You kiss your loves
and leave before dawn

The screams are blank
You are grey
You cry to me
I run away
You love for free
They shout my name
Heaven's gates have a fee
I turn for help
The crowd's gone silent
Turn back around
And nothing's quiet

I fell in love with a lover.
She fell in love with a world despite darkness.
Despite what she said.

I fell in love with a lover
That fell in love with me.

Goodbye, Natalie

It's hard to think of what's right now because
I don't really know.
Life seems kind of silly:
Liking girls and feeling pain.
Right now if I could
I would leap outside this window.
And I would fly so far you couldn't see me among the stars.
Later I would say hello
Even if you cannot hear.
I would sit and speak to you
A thousand years would go.
Maybe you would smile
As the time goes past.
You ought to be who you are
No matter what's beyond.

The beauty runs out
The blood goes cold
They try to shout
The killer grows old
My head on the block
No way I could flee
The ax makes a chop
But the killer isn't me

I lost my mind
I lost my heart
I became blind
I played my part
I tried to love
I tried hate
Not from above
Did I take
I rot in caves
I haunt in coves
I am a slave
I am a ghost

Give up
You are not a big man
I am not a man
I am here to work
I'm under everyone
Save me
No
Let me burn
I can't do this alone
I can be strong enough
Why do I fall?
I trip myself

You're underrated
Misunderstood
Is it hard to be happy?
I find myself sad
I look around
"Hey, where's Dad?"
Well, the truth
He isn't an excuse
I make my own smiles
And I'll cry if I get lost

Thin little lines scratched into your flesh
Each with a story
Each a failed test
Fight it off
Every relapse
Fight it off
"I don't like fighting"
I don't either
But it's do or die
And please
If there's something left
Do not choose die

Soft lips and fair skin.
Wise mind with lovely eyes.
Fragile you are
Yet somehow strong.
Stand tall.
I know it's been long.
Just forget my love.
I'll let it rise
Like a lonesome dove.

I try to feel sorry
I try to be sad
But it's fake
I'm over it
It's gone
I don't love you
And I never will

The forces of all nature
Weigh onto me heavily.
All I want is for you to
Look at me
As I look at you.
But how could you?
You are lovely
And I am me.
It's fine though.
I will be happy
When I see you again.

I could speak words to
Convince you to love me
As I would like you to.
But I care too much
To let you be
With a creature
As hideous as me

Quiet symbols,
Empty spaces,
Tiny black holes,
Forgetting faces.
We're under pressure;
Out of time.
Broken leisure.
Boxed in mime.
We're covered in silence from head to toe.
We lost our places in the lines below.

Quiet blue lips
Secret brown eyes
Tasteful pink mind
Funny green spine
Lovely grey words
Sensitive taste
My final ****

He was wrong
To think he could be.
He is not good.
He is angry.
The boy falls in love
Never stands up.
Now he knows how worthless
He is.

It was an angry day
I hit the wall
Ignore my way
I jump to fall
I try to run
I try to hide
I'm blind by the sun
Enjoy the ride
Grey bars
Orange garb
Gory scars
Unhealthy heart

A billion believers.
We're running like cheetahs.
Away from the fight
And into your arms.
They pray every night
There is no more harm.
But everyday,
The terror grows tough

I am over you.
I thought I did not like you.
Now I just want more.

Roses are dead
Violets were fake
Lift up your head
Hear that old snake

I'm no longer cold
In my teenage disillusion
I'm at a disability for fools
But for now I'm not handicapped
I'm that nine year old again
Smiles and tears
Simplicity
Feeling out if feeling
No silly fallacy
Just who I am
For another night, I'm me again

Fate isn't fact
Not everything happened because it would
Fate is simply A to B
Like a road trip
In fate you go from birth to death
But you the in between is up to you
Stop anywhere you like
Look at what you want to see
Be what you want
Love who you want
Life is yours
Don't die before you can live

All evil has a gain
But I have commited
A great sin
And lost all

Chained to the glass
Under a knife
In a small room
Cars in my head
Trees falling down
The reflections are dead

Another year older
No more years wiser
Another day colder
They put out my fire
A sinking sun
A fleeting moon
A walk then a run
But you're dead by noon

A shameful man I am
At age fifteen.
I break hearts and my own head.
Injuries to people
Though I'm empty inside.
In some way I need more.
Be it drugs, or ***.
But I could never do something good-
At least not for me.
And to my fears,
I'll add one more.

The pain in my skin
Makes it abundantly clear
I'm not in love with you,
Or upset,
Or jealous,
Or angry,
Nor do I hate you.
I know now
I am obsessed with you

There is no sweeter sin
Than seeing you.
There is no sweeter sin
Than when I'm alone with you.
There is no sweeter sin,
And we both know how sweet sin is.
Follow me and may we
Condemn ourselves together.

I got tired of the way it went,
So I made them know my name.

I hated what they thought,
So I made up my own game.

I'm not alone,
But who do I stand with?
I always stand alone.

I am my own fight
I always lose if I fight.

Nobody won, but I beat you.

Nothing profound
Just a boy at his school
Phonies abound
No wonder I rule

Without closure how can we be comfortable?

I chase others to feel warmth.
I push them away to be myself.
I yearn for them to come back to me.
No matter how I grow or change,
Or how many people love me,
I feel alone,
For I always lose those people.