“I was just
joking,” You Say but
I don’t feel any laughter
coming - something funny is
there though it’s the
Just, the
Just makes What You
Say both less and
somehow
more

the funny (not
haha) part is: What
You Say is not can
never be
Just

If my life were a number
line—for example—

My life starts: 0
I laugh for the first time: +2
I yell at my mom: -3
I win in school: +10
I lose a job: -11

Am I really the sum of these
parts
the absent space of
my negative numbers
in opposition to the positives

Or

Am I more of an absolute value kind of girl?

When I was small I said “Mom
my tummy hurts” and
then kisses and maybe a spoon of liquid
(icky) tylenol followed and then
All Better!

Now
when I’m bigger in shoe size, in brain
(in tummy)
Now when
my stomach starts to bubble and
roil and twist I know the source
is not candy and the
cure is no longer kisses and
I need so much more I need
slow breaths and
slower
thoughts
and
no maternal concern concerning
itself with my intestines, small or
large

Take my pride
(there was never much
anyway) take my sorrow take my
anger frustration can’t-do attitude

and I’ll be good
again, well-meaning and
innocent in a
bland
sort of way

I do well on an IQ test which
Measures precisely how
Smart I am precisely
Now and
In the years to come

I did well
I feel exhilarated enlightened free happy
Special
Better than average
(Has been numerically proven after all)

But years later my elation
Dims because those
Emotions were genuine but
The specialness test is honest
As a used car salesman
One who claims all his cars meet
The (very rigorous) inspection standards he
Sets

A used car salesman of a test made
Me feel special which
Creeps me out looking back but
I should be grateful it
Didn’t make me feel like special
Trash instead

Eyes tired of bearing the
Brunt of my notyet game
Plan regarding sleep and I
Don’t blame them

You're So Skinny,
you say to me, I Wish I Had a Waist
Like Yours, you say

like it's a compliment.

But

I never agreed to spice up your
own personal recipe
for low self-esteem If
you persist in this
body belief I
will no longer be your
body's relief Go
find another Skinny to
feed your grief