i knew it was going
too good
for too long

feelings in the green
actually, genuinely
enjoying life? who knew

one trip one wrong step
crumbling into ashes
thinking about that shiny metal once again

****** person
undeserving of respect
your purpose is for others
no rights for you

thoughts that were
always there, waiting for
me, welcoming back

twas a fool to think
i had overcome something
so innate so natural

foreshadowing maybe?
a fresh start thwarted
doomed to return to the same

darkness

out of my body
into my legs
my arms
the tips of my fingers

somewhere i won't feel it

respect: earned through suffering
no food no sleep no rest
worth: deemed by usefulness
idleness is useless is worthless

a cart of ideologies
hurtling down an infinite hill
pushing on to the next poor fools
who receive and continue

maybe I need to slow it down
throw myself in front and
bump
did that work

is one made a martyr
or just a conman, the easy way out
refusing to play the game
opt out of self sacrifice with self sacrifice

slit my wrists and leave me open
to burn
and dry
and rot

rid me of this pain
the cruel sting of panic
its breathless fight
to hold back tears of desperation

the glint of an eye
a cheeky smile
the sunshine after a storm
a hug after a bad day

the reflection of metal
a handle of black
the sharpness of pain
a drop of blood falling from a wrist

some nights anxiety wins
and i'm left a
withering, melting mess

of holding back tears and
an aching in my heart
and sheer helplessness

do i want the night to end
or perhaps a reset, a redo
so i can claim it back for myself

but tonight i've lost