I just can't handle automatic doors.

trigger warning. eating disorder.






i wish my hips were smaller. that's it, i wish my hips were smaller and my waist slimmer and i wish my stomach was flat and defined the way i know it's supposed to be. i wish i was delicate. i wish i wasn't so surprised when girls call me pretty.

but it's habit now, i know i look sick, i know i'm too pale and my hands always shake and i look like a ******* ghost. my own mother would cry at night if she knew i had to safety-pin my favorite jeans.

i cut my hair short again. started noticing strands all around my bedroom. cut it off at 3am on a tuesday. dyed it blue. now the color of my fingertips isn't so strange. it's the dye, see, it might not wash off for a while. weeks. months. god, what am i doing.

stuck my fingers down my throat in the shower last night. nothing came up.

i'm falling apart like my hair falls out of my scalp, easy, unhindered.

i fell for a Polish girl, i looked at her like she was the ocean that i am too afraid to visit now. but i left her after i hit that last stretch, swallowed too many aspirin for my headache, washed them down with white wine i'm too young to hide in my bedside drawer.

i never tried to die, but i also never looked before crossing the street.

i'm not a monster, right? all i want is rest. is that so wrong?

Last summer
our days sped by us
like Faris wheel highs
swept beneath sidewalk alleyways.
We traveled the world
in our little neighborhood of dreams;
a hand to hold so close
yet miles away in words.
We found the best
out of emptiness,
heartening our comfortable silence.

We found each other on accident
two summers ago from June,
hopscotched in one-night walks
on a bus going nowhere fast.
By then, we barely knew
how far the universe would take us
in a matter of months.
Now, all I can think about
is how to comprise your heart flutter
the same way your smile and cosmos
composed mine.

I am covered in sticky black ink
in nightfall that traces the exact shape of my body
the world is dark with my eyes closed or open
i try to scrape it off and create poetry but i can no longer
it is a part of me
it is a bruise that blooms like sunset over my skin
with crushed stars lingering in my hair
and for years i craved you and cried
i thought you were concentrated hope
beautiful and just out of reach
i can flick the lights on
and see you as you are now
there is a fine line between hope and dread

lately
I need to squint

closer the closer I get
I should go

I'm starting to see all my flaws
so I take my glasses off

I've been up and down
you pull me back
I'm trying to leave

lately
I'm start to realize
everything that's wrong
will I change or stay the same

I know we were friends
this distance is killing me
I have no patience to wait for you

I liked him
he was so transparent
could never hide away
I would always find him

all these pretty faces
I can't fake it
if I give you my name
will you take it

lately
in my timeless bedroom
the silence feels peaceful
I'm alone I'm okay

As you were bathed in gold
And the whole world shook around us
All I could think was:
You are so beautiful

While you smiled at the distance
And the serenely lit landscape turned into a blur
Running through my mind was:
I'm so lucky to have loved you

When I couldn't look away
And I stared at the most precious thing no one could ever possess
Hammering into my mind was:
You are the only thing I could ever need