I,
Have been picking at my brain all day,
Pondering what words to say.
But all you ever do,
Is push me away.

Honestly,
That's okay.

I wouldn't have it any other way,
simply 'cause at this rate,
Im going insane.

But that's okay,
I'm used to dealing with the pain,
I wouldn't have it any other way,
Because i'm with you.

Smile,
Just leave it plastered on my face.
While I lay,
& think of how hard i've been played.
I wouldn't have it any other way.

I loved you,
You just used me like a game.
To think you put all of us down the drain,
It's just so strange,
How I spent night & day,
To change myself.
In the end when I look back,
It's all just a shame.

That's okay,
I wouldn't have it any other way,
because who knows.
If I wouldn't of stayed,
I would have just begged.

You taught me,
To never love again.
If I ever do,
I'd rather be caught,
Dead.

Numbers always seem to be random, unknown, and have no meaning, right? No?

Numbers always seem to tie in to everything.

(032902, 041802)

If only the world gave us direct correlations to our future, our fate, our belonging.

When I read those 12 numbers, the numbers seem to have a discrete correlation. They are in fact direct.

Strange how I use numbers to say what I mean.

I guess when you boil it down it comes to this, I didn't think there was be something between us.

I didn't think I would fall for your quirkiness or your comfort that you never once failed to give.

I didn't think that I would promise myself to never take for granted looking into your eyes with all of those flourishing colors that appear different everyday.

I didn't think that I could ever be a horrible person to the one who was my light, never failing to be the gleam that made me want to stay alive.

Here I am.

Entirely vulnerable, throwing myself out here into the unfamiliar.

I'm not prepared for lack of a better term.

I can't comprehend this feeling, my thoughts, and you.
I just want answers, I just want you happy.

Tell me what you need, let me be apart of your life.
What can I do to help?
If I can't help then I understand that.

But you don't tell me anything.
I wish you the best,
I hope you sincerely find yourself in a life that makes you content.
Whether I am there or not.

You deserve a good life,
I want you to be happy.
I want you to feel love.
I want you to know that I endlessly will love you.

Don't wait for me if that's not what you want.
Find what's yours in the confusing webs of correlations.

Fight for what's yours.

Yours Truly.

If you watched someone die before your eyes,
Would you scream right then and there?
Or, would you just stare in shock, unable to move?

If you heard of a man getting shot over 20 times who was unarmed,
Would you say he deserved it?
Or, would you say it was unjust of the police that did it?

If you walked into a public restroom to see an adolescent investing their time in sliding a blade on their body rather than enjoying precious time,
Would you watch in horror and feel no sympathy?
Or, would you go up to the young person and comfort them
so they know that the world is just **** and they aren’t facing it alone?

If you were told a story about a woman who was beaten to death
and children left no choice but to be put in foster care,
Would you feel pity and carry on with your day?
Or, would you say it was the woman's fault.

There’s always the question, “If.”
If it was you, If it was him, If it was her.

Walk away, Leave everything unsaid,
Unfinished business,
Pretend i'm dead.

The worst part being that I genuinely cared for you,
It seems it's not mutual,
but alright,
I get it. (I guess?)

**** do I hate trying to get sleep & when I finally do,
your in my dreams & all my anger presses repeat.

I can't get my mind around it,
It just doesn't make sense,
after everything we shared,
You're just going to fall back?

Funny because if I remember correctly,
You know every detail about me.
I bet if I walked up to you & asked you a question,
you'd recall.

My favorite part about it all,
Is that you moved on.
She has blonde hair,
blue eyes,
& pale skin as well.

I sound like the Joker when I laugh,
Knowing & asking God to forgive me,
For my next sin.

Nothing against her but I have some questions.
Does she know your dark past?
Does she know what you've been through?
I don't think you mentioned it.

I loved your innocence & purity,
so I held most of mine.
She already had it with her last,
but if that's how you like it,
Fine.

I don't mean to be bitter,
I'm just stuck at this pace.
Look me in my eyes.
Tell me everything we ever had is gone.
This whole **** tragedy is pulling my worst out,
Yet I don't understand.
Why do I care for you?
When I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I were dead.

But yet you told me & I quote,
"Remember when I said I don’t know my parents birthdays?
I wasn’t actually kidding,
I don’t even know the date of there deaths,
but for some reason I manage to remember most of the things you tell me or that you do"
Is what you said.

It's like now you don't want to work on us.
It's like you are okay with throwing us in the dust.
Why though?
Is it because I was toxic back then,
While I was depressed &
Tried to fashion a belt twice or thrice around my neck.

I really do hate it when you compare me to then,
Like i'm not already better?
I'm not sure if there is a higher power but,
I pray for you everyday.

You are my first & only ever love.
Yet i'm in the wrong but,
Don't forget I don't stand here alone.

Yours Truly.

Silence yourself

Hush,
Nothing applies to you,
You don’t belong.

Listen,
While they are misguided,
Your input right or wrong doesn’t matter.

Look,
In the mirror,
Why don’t you look like them.

Adjust,
Yourself to fit in child,
You won’t have a future without.