i get really nervous when a car pulls up behind me
because i never know what is inside
even if its a car that i know
people that i know
sometimes people that you know you don't know
so i get really nervous when a car pulls up behind me
i get uncomfortable
and scared
because i can feel how vulnerable i am
i can feel it creeping in the air
especially when all i have me are a few loose papers
and a dead cellphone
even though i know im somewhere safe
that place is not safe at that moment
no place
i repeat
no place is safe when a car pulls up behind me
no one
and no thing can be trusted
its just me
and the car
and whatever the **** is inside of that car
so i get really nervous whenever a car pulls up behind me
its just me
and the car
its just me
and the car
its just me
its just me
and i open my eyes to find myself crying in the middle of the pavement
thinking that i almost died
and i go on with my life
without fail
without stopping
full speed ahead
until another car pulls up behind me
and my life takes a halt once again

im not sure if i need validation
or if i need some form of saving
because ive been saving up breaths these last few years
just incase im not ready to die
i hate it when i tell people im depressed
or suicidal
and them telling me
"well then how can you possibly be afraid of death"
as if the two can't exist in the same world
so no i don't approach death with open arms
like teens around the world are used to saying as a joke
I cower from it
I dont do things that could break me
I dont eat things that could make me choke
because it scares the **** out of me
i don't know where im going
or if theres even a place to go

and what frightens me is the how inevitable it is
of what will happen
when my eyes close
and decide never to open again
im scared
but honestly what else is new

ive recently felt that i relate closely to the 90's song *****
which is not by alanis morissette
a common misconception
similar to the berenstein/berestain conspiracy
however it was by someone else
a grammy nominated hit that is forever by someone who didn't write it
her only hit in fact
covered up by the name of a more popular artist

my biggest fear in life is to be like the girl who wrote *****
to have so much success and acclaim
only for years and years later to thing that my best work
my magnum opus
was written by someone who was not me
someone who will never be me
inadvertently stealing my working
taking success away from my name
until it falls into obscurity
and their name becomes the only name that exists with that work
even though it is mine

that is my greatest fear because then i have nothing to show
and id spend years trying to convince the world that it was me
and not them
to no avail
they will never know my name
only the name of that who stole from me

ill bite my lip
hard
i hate the taste of blood
but suddenly i need it
i need to feel it
on my tongue
down my throat
in my neck
red
like the sea that moses split
in the stories i used to believe and read as a child
but i dont read too much anymore
its a shame really
i could be so smart
wasted potential
i could be so **** smart
wasted space
I could be SO **** SMART
wasted air
I COULD BE SO ******* SMART
WASTED


and as i look back i see a shadow of who i once was
and a shadow of who i could be
and both of those shadows
both of those shadows
are much more beautiful than me

I'm still figuring this **** out
Life doesn't make sense
And honestly neither do I
I just mumble
Or Ramble
Or a mixture of both because they're basically spelt the same
All I do anymore is stare at my rooms messy floor
Thinking about how life could be better
And yeah I find the opposite *** confusing
But only because I'm confusing to myself
So how the hell could I understand any one else
Its not just the opposite *** that's confusing
Its everyone from A-Z
Between you and me
From hair to knee
Those are the ones who really confuse me
So until I get myself
(which will probably be never)
I'll just sit here ******* about how life could be better

My life is an overflowing hamper
To which I refuse to wash
Although I try to pick up the mess
A new mess starts
As clothes fall out one by one
And for everyone one article picked up
Another one is displayed across the floor
To the point where I don't even try with the mess anymore
And I'm just walking over clothes like they're an art piece
In this case the renowned artist is me
And a week from now, from when I gave up making this mess clean
I complain
And complain
And complain
As if I expect someone to pick up this mess I've made
Someone other than me

A big forest
My mind gets lost in your eyes
And to be honest I dont care if I'm ever found

I thought we were playing hide and seek
But the roles were reversed
Because i was seeking love and happiness
And you were hiding
And i finally found you

I'll look at my life as not much when I die
As I do most days
But ill look back at the days months and years I spent with you
And make the executive decision that at that moment, things were okay

And I know in my last poem I said
That when you die you forget everything
If that's the case I hope we share a casket
Because I never
Ever
Ever
Want to forget your face