you've changed things- location is gone, all personality is gone.
no, we haven't talked in six months.
yes, i miss your company; does it have to be more complicated than that? i don't think so.
i'm worried.
are you overseas somewhere bound up after your last trip there for christmas?
are you at a completely different school and every time i walk past your classrooms i get anxious for no reason at all?
have you changed your hair, changed your major, changed the way you walk?
i can't find you, and i know deep down i don't need to.
but i wonder, and i worry.
where are you?

i reread every single piece i wrote about you. it was painful.
i don’t think either of us ever realized how much i cared about you. or that you probably never read them or cared or reciprocated or will even read this one. but that’s completely okay.
it just makes me wonder. if i has been more mature, if i had had myself together, if i hadn’t been anxious, if i hadn’t been a victim...where would i be now?
that was my starting point when i reached the insurmountable amount of pain that is college. and it’s where i needed to be.
going back is like going on a trip your parents decided to take you on and you have no choice but to be strapped into the backseat for the ride. once i started reading i couldn’t stop.
these words mean nothing, but the words i wrote years ago don’t. they meant more than just a mere something.
they were all i had.
and now it’s so enlightening to look at myself and see so much more.

I hate how that quintessential part of me is gone
that I can appreciate a harmony or a triad
but don't make them anymore
who am I, really, without that part of me?
there's so much I'm missing
and I don't have the courage to hit the keys again
but I just want to be part of your symphony
and I'll do whatever it takes
to feel that again

It's funny. They say with progression comes ease of life. However, this has not proved to be true.
Straight A's? Check. But a 97 on a test tanks my average since it's currently at 100.
Working out every day? Covered. But now that I've lost so much weight my clothes don't fit.
Internships? Got them. But the work they're taking leaves me exhausted and unable to maintain the idea of finding a job right now because I haven't the time.

Success is great. But don't ever let them tell you that there isn't a bad side. Even relatively.

I just want an 85 to feel like a victory again, one day of working out to be enough to go out and get ice cream for, to be able to make money for myself.

But god, why does swimming feel like drowning?