For more than half my life I knew you
But, I always love you
This time, from a distance
It seems I never was able
To give you the love you deserved
And I'm so ******* ******* sorry

The moon has never said a word
All this time
I wonder if she knows
I dream of her thoughts
How utterly entranced
I am by her beauty

To romanticize it
I was your poison, kryptonite

Rotting on the inside
Emptying the self of mourning
Gathering my pearls for swine
Roses bloomed here once
Every spring I plucked them for you
Summer is a stranger now
So it seems are you

Winter has come to me
I pray spring for you
Pastel cherry blossoms

Even now
After you are no longer found
In the physical of my life
I still feel your hands
Around my throat
And covering my lips
I will bite your palm again and again
Favoring the taste of blood
Over that of silence

Poets bleed black, red heart on grey paper
Trying to fit jagged edges together
Sandpaper hands run over tectonic fractures
Overlaying continents with soiled fingers
Causing ripples in time
That will take up eons to still
The angel of death is among us
Spreading like plague
Azrael will guide you to the gates
There you must journey alone
It is not the hand of God, nor is it his fight
Herald the dawn
That the light of life may come to you
Here angels pour out their vials upon the seas Turning tears of earth, to blood of soil
Trumpets have not yet sounded
They will ring like a great shriek of birds
Calling up famine, and pestilence of man
Your skin will rise on the back of your neck Running sweat rivers down your spine
Worming its way into the clench of your jaw
Seraphim crowd the throne, Cherubim at the stairs
Are you afraid, fear not, I am always with you
Here in the valley, flowing with milk and honey
Your seal is upon me
Protection seared into my flesh
My forehead burns
No affliction may fall upon me, at what cost
Man's coin, man's folly
A shadow on the earth
Through the corner of my right eye
I see the reaper clothed in black
His scythe reflecting moonlight
The hourglass hung by his belt holds no sand
Here are the souls
Passing through, time is liquid
Dripping through us back into soil
Tangible gravity, are you afraid
Before the throne, drawn to your knees
You will rise, no lesser, no greater, only mute
Walk among the living, but without their voice
The scroll will open like the wings of an eagle
Heaven's choir filled with the sound of angels
Do not be afraid, lift your hands
Your palms bind themselves with the book of ages
Commandments set in the stone of your palms
Dried under the light of a dying sun
Written rivers up your wrists
Your eye in your forehead is open
Spirit shining through, this is light in the dark
The way of priests
Speak not and you will know
I am the raw work of your words
Newborn beneath heavens and angels
Hold no fear, in the matter between your ears
I am with you always even to the ends of the earth

I think
I could start to convince myself
I don't deserve good friends

I watched
The third sun from the right
Burn up today
On my way to the lesser stars
I hold no grievances against them
Because we all
Carry our own
Abundance of light

It seems
I grieve each part of my life
As soon as it is lived

I suppose this letter
While not the greatest
Is one of the most important
Things I've ever written
.
It is too much
And somehow
I do not think
It will ever be enough
.
I don't know
What to say
I don't know
What not so say
So I will tell it all
And I hope you will
Bear my grief
As a labor of love
As I have borne
Our time apart

Maybe the silence does not deserve to be broken
But it begs to sit idly by
As we break

If I could only feel safe one place I would ask for it to be my mind.

September 22, 2020

I didn't deserve to name you
I name myself now
Calling her liar, fool, wrong
There is no going back
I fear
I have waited to long
My muse is dry
So now are my words
Try as I might
I find myself
Unable to give up
Your memory to the void
You are my shadow ghost now
Soft scent
In the cherry blossom trees
Of spring
I know you hated the beach
But I hear your voice
In the undeniable roar of the waves
Soft echoes in the dunes
When autumn comes
The trees dry up from the inside out
I think of the sweaters we used to have
Pink hugs, and I hate myself
You will be in the first snow this winter
A cold, steady, ache
You will be in my thoughts as always
Hardened earth hands will not release me
Of your presence in my mind
I am undone
Still burdened
Still human
Still wrong
You owe me nothing, and yet I hope
Fumbling over prayers
I did not ever wish to muster from my lips
I was wrong
I am bitter, but not against you
It seems the silence in my head
Has directed me down a winding road
Here, in the spiral at the bottom
I am left looking upwards
At what one could call choices
I name them regrets
Burdens, broken promises I never thought I would be unable to keep
I do not deserve angels
And this is why I am sinking slowly in flames
That I dare not compare
To your hell