Sitting high atop ****** Mountain
I’m feeling my phylogeny overwhelm rationality
perturbing stirrings
both primitive and powerful
considered improper at the moment

Surrounded by beauty natural and athletic
of heights, valleys, children, and women
I’m keenly aware that
unnecessary stresses
grow into other messes

Hours melt to days
and I wonder where, how and with whom you are
time slips away
forgotten feelings
dry permanently on the hot summer pavement

Ontogeny . . . phylogeny . . . freedom and fear
who am I within my existence?
to relieve my mind of overthinking
I must
overcome the fear of underthinking

And what say you
amid the quiet chaos of our souls
beyond putting one foot in front of
the other
as we fall apart our separate ways?

     26.vii.10
     (****** Creek, CO)

Honestly I feel as though this entire time I've been pacing back and forth, accruing images of two ice caps slowly breaking themselves apart into tiny fragments of burning pitch that hurls itself onwards into the night, leaving bleeding trails of light as reminders, notes with coffee stains on the edges, written late at night without much light except for what scraps pour out from under the door from the reading light. You want to breathe normally but the bag won't inflate and it's so hard to calm down when everyone else is shaking and crying and prostrating themselves as though they'll consecrate the middle aisle with their cheap pleas for salvation, for their young childrens' lives, and for all the time they wasted ******* quietly in the dark after the reading light went off and even though they had a headache. They sing a song of mutual slump, of tacit awareness of the grandiose ******* of 75 years spent in too quiet comfort concerned with small victories and unconcerned with massive regrets. Then daylight breaks and you have to look your coffee stains straight in the eye and pretend they're just blemishes when they're sores and wounds and abscesses. And before long the paper disintegrates into brown pulp and you hate that you hate yourself because surely someone is more ****** than you. But that's just one moment out of the day, and you live them endlessly, you love them endlessly, overthinking, underthinking, drinking till you can't feel your extremities and then toying with a knife because you know you couldn't otherwise. Then you nick your pinky and realize how ******* stupid you must look, trapped in your own kitchen hearing your wife down the hall resent you more and more, her distaste, stained the color of sea foam off the coast of Cyprus, her frown fixed forever forward toward your back, and her face makes you sigh, and it's the same sound as before, sure, but now you know what is happening when these tiny admissions of regret escape from anyone else's lips. Then the plane picks up out of its nosedive and people cry and hold each other and you feel more dead than if your body had just ended up tangled in the wreckage of a turbine engine, your intestines laced between the blades like the back of a corset that gets tighter and tighter until you can't feel it anymore because you're numb.

Silence, like a blanket
envelops me.
It is comfort at first,
But all too soon
I am suffocating.

God help me
whatever deity there is
i cannot continue living this way.

Hand shaking,
Ink stains blotting
White paper now corrupted
by the words of an unforgiving society

Scarlet dripping on the floor,
my breathing becomes shallow
one pill at a time

my world shakes
my vision blurs
and all i can think of

is you.

Do you ever just sit back and think that how crazy our lives are ?
Or is it just me ?
Do you ever think of how precious a moment is, when you're actually enjoying it to the fullest ?
Or i it just me ?

I hope I'm not not the only one who gets hit by this wave of sadness from nowhere,
when I was doing fine two minutes before.
I hope you don't think of me as a stupid person,
just because everyone else thinks so.

Sometimes, I just feel like getting my life together at midnight,
but next day, I'll just be waking up with a sad face.
Sometimes, I can't stop myself from crying and just cry myself more to stop,
and on some days,
I'll try to let it all out with tears,
but my eyes will remain dry,
and the pressure in my head, just increases by.

Overthinking about what could happen or what would have happen because of that one thing,
but not having energy in my body to make things right,
or to bring my life back on track or to bring any peace.

I don't know how to feel, express or even talk about it.
I can't define this feeling in words,
but it's with me, all the time.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm numb,
but I do also feel crazy when my different 69 moods hits me, all at once.

Is this how all of this is supposed to be ?
This is how life goes ?
Or is it just my life.
which is messy ?

"Have you lost your brain?" is the only question they ask me most of the times.
"Yeah, i guess.But what am I supposed to do now?"is my only reply.
"You're just overreacting", they said.
And then, I just told my heart that,
maybe my feelings aren't valid.

After all of this,
I just became really silent.
I think a lot in my head but,
I'm not the same anymore.
Now, they ask me,"what's wrong?" and Ii replied
"You asked me to shut the ** up indirectly.So, thank you.I just haven't really felt anything since then."