The first time, wasn't awesome
I was nervous, I was scared to death
I was quiet, I wasn't confident
but I gave in, to my deepest sin
and I lost my breath
it wasn't worth it

I was 17, it was way too young
for a girl to be losing everything for fun
But I caved in, under all the pressure
gave it up to a boy who doesn't measure up
to man at all,
he was not a boy you want
or the kind of boy you take home to mom
he's not the american dream
he's a punk kid packed full of nothing

Stupid me, I should have known
I should of let all that drama go
He left me with a broken soul
and a shattered heart
with no place to go
Then he took my perfect world a part
and I realized how life was hard
cuz a fool who played the part of sweetheart

He gave me drugs all the time, I was so twacked up that I lost my mind and
now I'm stuck cleaning up the mess he made
all the doubts in my head turn another shade
another color
I want something new, a better offer
What I need is to find myself again,
what I need to be is my only friend

I need another door to open up
lost my opportunity because I gave it up
all for love
played the games, and I've had enough
What I need is a second chance
and What I need is to get me back
cuz

Love is a risky business
Add drugs and it turns into ****
You play games, that have no rules
Lies wasted cuz it's all your fuel
forget what your trying to do
all you blame is you
cuz you act a fool and
breaking away can be difficult
being an addict in the unknown
Got to learn to live your life and grow
and leave all the dysfunctional
you gotta man up, and grow some *****
leave the lust that tears you apart
gotta figure out what you really want

Got put yourself first
even when its hurts
Gotta lose all the jerks
gotta look up in a mirror and take a stand
gotta figure out you don't need a man
to hold your hand
gotta get your life back on track and
forget all that brings you down
take good hard look at yourself
and come back around
They don't know what their losing now
Found a whole new woman and a whole new crowd

forget love for the time being
and remember being 17,
remember how naive you could be
when a boy says he'll give you everything
***** that **** and get it yourself
remember you don't need a mans help
remember it'll take some time
but you're a whole new person,you're diamond
in the rough, life is tough
but it's way too short to be serious
in love so young
you deserve the world
and your freedom
don't owe anything to anyone
just watch who you'll become

And if you want the world in the palm of your hands
take a firm hard grip on your second chance.
And don't look back
on the past, and be grateful for all that you have
You gotta make better choices
don't throw it all away for all them boys and
parties, and fun and lots of poison
don't make the same mistakes I made
cuz I learned everything the hard way
Hear what I gotta say
Cuz when it pours it rains
Get yourself out of a gutter
out of a rut
Get sick and tired cuz enough is enough
Show them what your made of
And don't give your dreams up, all for love

I finally released
all the tensions between tendons
like silent nuclear bombs
The only time
I could let go of the wheel
and renounce control
because I never wanted it anyway

I never screamed without hearing myself
but even if the sound had fled
to supposed other dimensions
no one would know
because the aftermath was devastating

I knew if I held my eyes shut
in that flash of desolation
I could have been somewhere else
and according to that twacked out philosopher
I would be

I’d be sleeping in the dark
bright as a 30-watt bulb
hesitantly lifting the blinds
waiting
for a black herring to glide
through scorching smoke
and grasp a lung with an iron grip
so I could inhale another stab of monoxide

I hate the saying, "Baby's Mama."
It's so ******. As I drifted off to
sleep last night, crocked on a plethora of
pills, and the remnants of *****, I thought
to myself, She's a little bluebird that
burrowed in my heart.
I laughed and slobbered, and drifted
into the warm fuzzy black.

She's intuitive, she asked me to let
the nurse know that her and the kids were
coming so that there would be a smooth
transition with staff. Hospitals can be
peculiar when it comes to visitation with children.

So she asked me how I wanted to refer to her.
She's the Mother of my 2-year old
daughter, and she has a 10-year old boy
that I have been around for 6 years.
He's like my own son, but 'technically,  he's not.
I don't want to offend anyone. It's all so
******* complicated. I could say, "This is Bonnie,
I'm Clyde, and this is our gang." They probably
wouldn't laugh. I feel very comfortable saying,
"These are our kids, and this is their Mom"

If the kids weren't in ear-shot and I felt
like a rapscallion, I might say,"This is a woman
that I used to love and **** a lot! Finally we had
our daughter- WOW- AMAZING! ! !
The boy came along before I met her, but I love him
like my own son- always and forever."

Anyway, this is my daughter, and my son, and a woman that I used to
love and **** a lot, also, a fantastic Mother, and when
I'm twacked out d-toxing- drifting off to sleep, and
laughing about what to call her, I might just call her
my little bluebird, that burrows in my heart.