jiggle loose like a jigsaw piece
that never quite fit right
lost from another puzzle
in another box
looking for a similar shape

you'll go for one that is just a bit uncomfortable
if someone pushes you hard enough
it's a billion piece puzzle
no one will notice if one is a little bent in
to fit

i'm not meaning to be cliche
but you bent me in too many places
now i don't even fit you
you ******* tryhard

when you realise you're no longer a try hard. you don't try hard to impress anyone,
at work
school
your friends and family
or your potential date.
some guys think too high of themselves.
they think they're irreplaceable.
or that i can't forget him or he hurt me a lot.
he's really really wrong.

i let things flow. how they wanna go.
i realised i don't sing sad songs the same anymore. i don't try as hard. and i still manage to sound good imo. but i think all the experiences i've had made me learn a lot.
and i will continue to do so.

I DON'T ALLOW PEOPLE TO HURT ME. even with words. and actions.

it's been... 4years since my family issue. i'm learning better to cope woth it now. i've became so much better. time heals everything, huh?

Do any of you feel like you can't rely on anyone but yourself? My whole life has felt like that but tonight it's really hitting me.

It all started a few weeks ago when I asked this girl I liked to formal. It was quite a stretch considering the social boundaries that were already in place. I'm a senior and she is a junior and I had no connections to any of her volleyball friends. It may not seem like it but some girls need to feel like you are socially "accepted," and I was socially unknown.

When I asked her, she seemed really excited which made sense due to the energy and good vibes she would bring to conversations despite her extreme shyness (I seemed to do most of the talking). Then formal came around. Before we went to the dance, there was a pre-formal get-together at her friends house. We were there for about three hours before we left for the dance and it was a great opportunity for me to meet her friends and her social group. I made my date laugh many times and I truly felt like there was a deep emotional connection between us. I conveyed confidence and a sense of humor, but it was clear I was the odd man out.

As I'm driving her to the dance, we started talking and again and she gave off off many signs that she was into me. I'm usually pretty good at looking in to that kind of stuff and I felt something was there. Although when we got to the dance, things start getting pretty shady. We met up with her volleyball friends that were at the formal get-together but it became increasingly obvious at the time my date was either too shy to dance with me or she only wanted to be with her friends. After 30 minutes of awkwardly following her and her friends around without dancing with her, I decided to give her some space and proceeded to hang out with my friends for the majority of the night.

About an hour and a half after I left her, she found where I was and asked if I wanted to go to a party that was happening afterwards with her which led me to believe this was her trying to convey interest in me without putting herself out there. I agreed and we got in my car until about five minutes later when her friends insisted they couldn't go anymore, so she decided she wasn't going to go either (I can confirm that her friends weren't trying to get her out of hanging out with me and there was actually something that prevented them from going). So I dropped her off at her friend's car, still went to that same party, and called it a night.

The next morning I hit her up and told her I had a great night with her even though it was mostly *******, but I didn't want her to think I was mad for what actions took place (Ignoring me during the dance and ditching the party). Then Christmas break began and I was out of town for about a week and a half. While I was out of town, I decided the best way to get to know her and her friend group better was to throw a kickback since it became clear they rarely accepted new people into their group. Keep in mind that it's not just me and all of her girlfriends. One of my guy friends who is almost dating my formal date's best friend has gone to all of the events with me (pre-formal, the dance, the afterparty), and he was my only guy friend throughout this whole process.

Finally the day comes, I send them the address and then I get the dreadful question, "Who else is coming?" Side note: people who ask this question can honestly ******* because pretty much what they're saying is "is there anyone else coming that would make it worth going to?" Anyway, I told my date that it was just going to be my friend Nick (the guy that I mentioned earlier), her, and her other two close friends which she replied "that's it?" with no emojis. I proceeded to tell her yes and that I'm just keeping it small. I was left on open, but still assumed she and her friends were going to come.

I set the kickback to start at 8:00 PM until I get a text from her around 7:45 PM saying that she was sorry but neither her or any of her friends could make it. As for my one guy friend and the friends he was inviting, he said he was going to come but never bothered to actually show up. Fed up and frustrated, I decided to invite all of my friends that were in town to come to my house where we can all get ****** up. After anxiously waiting for an hour and a half, my friends started to show up and at the peak, around 7 people showed up which was actually pretty good considering it was Winter break and most of my friends were out of town. I snapchatted the whole thing and made it look really hype without looking like a tryhard and put it on my story to let the ******* that ditched me know that I could invite other people right on the spot and they would still manage to come through.

It was a great night and I was glad there were people that I could rely on once in my life, especially since my whole life I never found anyone I could rely on. It made me realize how cliquey high school is and how unwelcoming most people are to letting others join their friend group. No matter how good of an impression you make, certain people will still push you away if you don't meet their social standards. Anyway, I hope all of you guys have a nice rest of your day. Thank you for reading this.

A few months into the school year, I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in a while
We got to talking and she asked, “How’s senior year?”
I told her, “Well, I’m having fun but it’s stressful.”
“Why?” she asked.
I said, “Well, all this college stuff is stressful, and having a full schedule isn’t helping.”
She said, “Why a full schedule? It’s your senior year, why try so hard?”

I don’t exactly remember what I answered, probably some generic response, but I didn’t think much of it.

Later though, I thought about that question.
It came back like waves lapping against my mind over and over again.
“Why try so hard? Why try so hard? Why try so hard?”
Well, why not?

Why not try hard?
Why not pack my schedule?
Why not focus on getting to college?

I mean if I’m going to pay all this cash for class, shouldn’t I be prepared to pass?
Then again, maybe it’s just me.
Maybe it’s absurd to be ready.
I mean, who wants to be ready for what’s to be?
Well, I suppose the answer to that question would be
Me

I, for one, want to be prepared.
And it seems like our generation doesn’t want that.
We squander what we are given and procrastinate like it’s religion
We love mottos like “Carpe Diem”
Yet the only thing we seize is the seat of our pants and we fly by it continuously
We strive for excellence, yet settle for mediocrity
If life was a mountain, we are content at sitting at the halfway lodge, never quite seeing the beauty from it's peak.

Maybe we aren’t to blame, maybe it’s not our shame.
Maybe we are victims of circumstance just looking for recompense.
We can’t control what happens to us, but one thing is for sure.
We control how we react.

See, we like to play the victim.
Pity parties are the popular theme
“Oh poor me, my life *****.”
Maybe that’s true, maybe your life does ****.
You might think you never have good luck.
But though your life might be covered in muck,
All you have to do is push through to get unstuck.

We need to take back our lives, we need to strive for something more.
Deprive the naysayers of satisfaction; try.
Try hard.

It might not be glamorous, it may not be hip,
But blood, sweat and tears are definitely worth the trip.
If we can break the monotony of complacency
If we can do away with apathy and replace it with productivity.
We can do whatever we could possibly dream of.

So to everyone asking “What’s the use? Why try?”
I promise you it is worth it.
When you do something for yourself, you fight back against the doubtful.
Be a tryhard, be a freak, be obsessed with your passions.
The outside world will call you these names, but they are jealous.
They will tear you down because they see you fighting back.
They see you doing something that they only dream of.
They want to have the same fervent desire to be better.

The saying “you only live once” becomes obsolete when you try.
Yolo has been turned from it’s true meaning into “do stupid things”
Get there and experience the world, show them what yolo stands for really

Pack your schedule
Feel free to always be busy
Because you only have one life, so live the one you got
That way, when they say, "why?"
You can say
"Why not?"