The problem is I do like him.
I certainly hate him
But I also like him.
I like the way he capitalizes the beginnings of his sentences over text,  I like the cute little crinkles that appear in his forehead when he smiles
The coy way he responds to flirtation with something like "Oh really now?"
I like how he calls things "sweet", the way he says "aww" I even f!cking like his annoying as hell overuse of the phrase "haha" when he texts which ****** me off,
I like how he is the only teenaged boy I know who says something is "quite" fun and how he uses the word "lovely" to describe things because no one uses that word anymore and more people should.
I like how he has an immense love for Spiderman,
How he has all these aspirations of travelling all over in the future
I like how he wants to live in England one day, I like that he is into cooking and drinks coffee and hot chocolate and how his favorite book is "Looking for Alaska" and how he's read everyone of John Green's books and how he wants to be a writer one day.
I just remember the dumbest little things that I still like about him
For instance how he likes Neil Gaiman and loud screamy music even though I hate that stuff, how he is the only one in his fractured family who doesn't speak French but his older sister and mother do. He has a dog named Charlie and when he was a kid he always spelled "subtle" wrong. I just don't know *** is wrong with me I should have known better. I should hate him for half this stuff and all the rest of the reasons I have to loathe him but it's hard to forget those little details about him. I just hate feeling like a broken lock. A lock of dark secrets and completely irrepairable. Though it's not the fact that Im irrepairable that bothers me as much as feeling so... replaceable. Idk. Maybe I need to go out with someone to get him out of my head.

My love, my sweetheart
she is as white as cold milk
at will as transparent as glass;
her lips are red, as red as dripping blood

she wakes me up each night
with a newly-plucked out
still-beating heart
of all varieties of human emotions:
"Breakfast in bed?" she croons

O her every word is a scream
her every look burns the spirit
she shrieks and groans and moans
enough to raise me up to the clouds
O her very touch is icy cold
her embrace is as delightful as being
in the arms of Queen Winter -
O...Ooo...wwooooh...should I compare her in a sonnet to a Winter's night?
but that would be groundless
for she excels
every unpleasantness
and horror, and she breaks all form

My love
she screeches like car tyres in a sudden stop
she scratches down my back
like a tractor on farm land
her eyes are hollow
and we exchange worms when we kiss;
her ears pop out
of her dry, unkempt straggly hair -
O she drives me into long howls, that wild wild
ghost of once a woman

O eternity,  eternity with my cold, cold love
O what would I not give to be always
and always
in spirit with her -
O I could die forever
to be in the cold, cold embrace
of my hollow-eyed screamy love

Each night the screamy meanies come
to kick me wide awake
They spit on me and yank my hair,
poke me with three pronged stakes
They torment without mercy
till I’m drenched in my own sweat
They think it’s rather funny
and they live under my bed

One’s name is Anorexia
One’s name is Latex ***
One’s name is You’re a Loser and
One's pills That You Ingest
One’s You’re a ***** Liar and
One's your Extremely Vain
One’s You Like to Play with Fire
Till it Burns you With a Flame
One’s You Should Read
Your Bible More
One’s You Are Such a Fool
The One whose names Judgmental
Thinks he’s consummately cool

They all are very vengeful
and none of them are the same
Thank God in a few hours they
go back from whence they came


Written by Sara Fielder © Feb 2012

I am daydreaming,
My dream is a like flash light,
Filled with eternity and peaches of the fresh night.
I've spent hella lot of time thinking of the good will,
Nothing can be moved in my still inner fight.
I can be a lot of me, choose which you wanna face t'night,
Let me tell you secrets forever forgotten in my life.
Chained, spilled, viled, don't go too far with words,
I don't know which pass to turn,
I am still thoughtlessly daydreaming.


My dreams are gonna stay with me, let me shed a sweet light,
Right upon them so I can tell which one is my fave.
I am having a dizzy head, my heart is aching with screamy pain,
I will fight my way, I will maintain the same.
I am willing to get everything, lest I know how can I do,
The moment that will hit me hard, I will ****** it from hands of fate.