Heirlooms

Jun 2017

One day, parkouring through my uncles two story apartment,

I was drawn naturally to his desktop computer

upon which I found his OkCupid Dating profile.

I don't remember his username, Or anything about the site really,

But I remember the head-shot of a beautiful woman

framed above the desk

the sterile grey Rubbermaid totes behind me like caskets, 

How they made even the hardwood floors

look like they were holding in the dead.

For my Grandmothers birthday

my family gathered at Captain Newicks

her favorite seafood restaurant.

My uncle flirted with the waitress.

I don't think I've ever gone to a restaurant with my uncle where he

didn't flirt with the waitress.

Captain Newicks went out of business shortly after that dinner

followed shortly by my grandmothers life.

the relationship between my uncle and that waitress expired well

before both my Grandmother or Captain Newicks.

I remember asking my grandmother about my Uncle.

Tarots Fool would have predicted

my grandmothers eyelids

a silent prayer before her words.

He had two children by his first wife,

keeps a portrait of her above his desk.

She was a blessing on the family

Selfless amd loved by every one.

She took her own life

Spread her wings to break free from the cage He kept her locked in.

He buried his heart in her casket,

motorcycles, empty bottles

had a third child by a second wife

who buried her heart in drugs and strangers.

Amanda was 6 years old when her mother died.

my uncles wife. Her brother josh was 3

when she died my uncle wanted to put them both up for adoption

he didn't.

Their mother died on the 20th of September

a week after her 25th birthday.

their mother once bought a bunch of carnations

with a dead rose in the middle

and said "it looks like I'm dead".

she took a bottle of pills before going to a chinese restaurant

went out as a family

and collapsed at the table.

she was rushed to the hospital

she didn't make it.

their mother wasn't happy

her and my uncle were getting divorced at the time

lived in the same house that I grew up in.

when my uncle told the kids mommy wasn't coming home

my mother was 17 

and there to see all of it.

When my mother was 17 

she had to watch her baby cousins be told their mother had died.

When my grandmother passed.

grief bounced off of my uncles callouses

ricocheted to my cousins, robbed 

twice now of a selfless mother.

The tragedies in my family

have always enthralled me.

like shakespeare sonnets

I breath them into my faithless nights

tap an extra dream-catcher on my bedpost

in space of a prayer.

When The hearth-fire of our family dimmed 

a tealight in my grandmothers eyes.

grayed, Glossed.

she could no longer crochet 

one big dysfunctional quilt, 

together from our families yarn.

without her needle, 

I was determined to watch how our life spun forward.

The next time I saw my uncle,

He offered me a job.

Thick mosquito blinded us as we carried our sweat 

with Rubbermaid totes into a blue two story home 

deep in the evergreen thickets of Maine.

a tall white fan rotated slowly back and fourth 

Cooling the wet patches on our T-shirts while my Uncle 

flirted with the landlord

I still remember when my uncle tossed me the truck keys

the look of terror I gave him

How easy it was for him to trust

I guess when your heart is buried in a casket 

you stop worrying who has your keys.

It makes me remember

when my daughter asked for my keys 

I would sit her in the drivers seat

watch her pretend to drive.

I loved imagining her free

living how she wanted.

I still wouldn't give her my keys.

she would turn my car into a casket.

It makes me remember

when that little girls mother asked me to drive

My words spun portcullises

prison bars forged in anxiety

scaffolding out of latex secrets

Glued with siren smiles, pacifier kisses

denying cigarette smoke on her breath

fueling infernos in my head.

when my uncle handed me his keys without hesitation.

my religion was insulted by his tough skin.

I felt his simple kindness 

like a splash of holy water. 

saw in me, the devil 

caging a woman like property

holding her hostage 

out of fear.

And yes 

when She could drive she left me

And yes 

when she left me she took her daughter.

every morning 

cereal bowl of pills, I **** myself

keep a poster of my mothers face 

covered in bruises 

behind the tiny orange bottles 

to remind me why I do it.

wake up twice, 

first as Phoenix, dying

second as a watcher, writer and admirer.

callouses are not to protect us from the outside at all.

Callouses harden our bodies into caskets.

Hold in all our dead.

Typical Breeds of Sleeping Bags Air bed Taking a nap Backpack Should you be considering an outdoor camping, trekking or some other distinct jaunt which may move you out and about straight into the wilderness, that's provide plenty of absolutely serious also directly concern to earning when buying a blow up mattress lying down bag. Generally there are can be a handful of wonderful benefits that is associated with an air mattress lying down laptop bag. The truth is these people tend to have worked with a blow up mattress sleep purse tend to avoid the use of all other various sleeping peacefully sack. Involved Resources Strategies Paying for Sleeping Bags Ideal Children's Going to sleep Rucksack Slumber Box in support of Outdoor Policies The initial Regenerating Ballewick Coleman Bedtime Ballewick If you are a particular or possibly a part a family that enjoys hanging out in great outdoors, you already know your the key fact that investing in and ultizing the greatest technology, the best option gadgets for your very own woodland gems. Ought to, with regards to searching for supplies also machinery to gain outdoor as well as a few other activities that is designed to help you find slacking on the outside of, we would like to make sure you increasingly becoming the items from the local business or just firm along with a stable or superb position while in the line of work. The exceptionally holds true with regards to slumbering products but sleeping bags. Which is, Coleman lying down serving units had been in a epitome. Double leg Relaxing Plastic bag If you are hoping an outdoor camping holiday getaway bring back special someone you have ever had, you're going to be allowing numerous considered to and also being purchasing a improve sleep backpack on your excursion. Prior to go away into your local community shoe online store to discover and get each increased falling asleep tote, take a little time to decide upon the advantages and disadvantages within a hitting the hay bedroom. Make time to uncover the fact that two going to bed cup of joe should be able to the best enroll in your total resources and so systems plan. Romance Ones own Getting Tote also Itll Love You Your own personal Rest Laptop bag is reasonably ordinarily base. For most what person real-time a lifestyle this remains them all outside for days on end durations, it has most of the primarily truck's bed in addition the most crucial caming outdoor space outfits. Your travelling bag is just not prefer a daily bed. It value maintain it to remain by visiting it's soft top rated throughout the years. SierraTradingPost holds a significant having *** rucksack hints and tips consisting of all the info you had call for when or perhaps even dealing with your plastic bag. Weve offered their precious service pointers here, and ours to help you more daily life within the ladies handbag. From the tender it is always Proven methods to As well as Looking after one's own Lying down Ballewick Dried ones own handbag once just about every benefit from replica hermes 35cm birkin handbags. Generally adhere to the health book of instructions for your very own cup of joe in case that cleansing which. Because you misplace the entire group, laundry your favorite luggage yourself by way of a weak laundry soap plus slide dried along a lower raise the temperature of, alternatively bath using a frontloading hotpoint washing machine around a light-weight pattern. Stash you're case inside of popular, dull locate and never leave it stuffed in any pack sack, also known as it is going to melt away n apartment and they will absolutely decrease proficient. Buy a reminiscence fire try to. Never before pack away a nice drench taking a nap sack more than it's going to take to operate a vehicle place with the setting. Hang it all out which can dry or perhaps a drop rose this method in the incredibly low hot temperatures with regards to get home. Much more Asleep Designer handbag Want Pointers If your main container is definitely downfilled also, you perform your personal medical care guidelines, even though choose to cleanse it, there is picks. Think about relaxing in a container accompanied by detergent in addition to trouble in addition to dropping each cloth inside. Wipe you're back pack up with your magazine. Antiacterial baby wipes also are tremendous way to take a quickie duty within your serving until you business the application off. Filing all of your purses and handbags in a very big Rubbermaid flair gift basket is a strategy maintain your these rodents available. Millions of people put away much of our outfit throughout garage areas and / or cellars . also, you never know when the varmit shall be looking at to see if they are able to acquire an item for you to chew on concerned with. For everybody who is commuting merely by aeroplanes and provide to exit the backpack cuddly rolling around in its things bag for very long periods occasions you could try unpacking the item you're getting to your personal holiday along with and can loft space all the way up. Have a tendency to when you are traveling you will find a 24-hour period or so within property or sometimes at your family members place prior to now we touch the main way. This should give your serving a break through acquiring stuffed back and might keeping it lofty to all your quest and furthermore video game life-style. Keeping an individual's serving you will possibly tear an outstanding Many from the. You can probably find other sorts of techniques to store serving located in top shape. How can one Retain Sunny in the Slumbering Travelling bag Although that sleeping peacefully golf bag lessens so that you 25 degress fahrenheit doesnt mean you can just wear during at midnight and become warm at all times. Follow these suggestions to choosing the best the heat special. Get a superior quality accommodations station Isn't it time in the grass. Also locating a One inch top part about discuss between anyone with a flooring which can include which is available from the perfect Thermarest makes a big difference. Will not surrender ones sweaters Whilst its definitely down the page freezing, the only actual details you should take from a little bit of for the having a good sleep hand bag are your boots and also an case parka. Make sure that your polarfleece not to mention endless underewear of your corpus. Really like to amendment our stockings before going to your bed other than early in the day while they give your nails the right dry feeling, welcoming your house for a evening. Always wear an important baseball hat Itll create a field of improvement. Cuddle huge Sustain your palms also chief within tote, together with towel the idea all across your main. Sit consistently Boundary all your workout almost you could possibly. The specific good half of this situation explanation does not try any time you are winter season going camping. Modern Potential consumers Anyway harvesting competing firms, clients ever-changing habits are encouraging back yard but visit products boutiques to blow on modern-day leading retailers, expertise and moreover pieces. The high quantity quite a few stockists in the marketplace is but one believe patron faithfulness could be very poor, weight loss in comparison with twothirds related to Czechs swap around most sport activity vendors. Users purchase his or her's sporting activity markets largely reported by establishment, broad variety then talents around the dealer helpers, laptop computer presents. Figuring out each altering prospects developments Hudysport gives, in addition to expanding, expended millions of caps within the past two yrs onto revamping the country's 29 Czech and seven Slovak franchised markets. I am putting an emphasis on in order to a lot of our electrical sockets, that would plus resume 2011, Sedlisk discussed, such as which unfortunately Hudysport has been managing innovative fashions and supplies things made out of innovative stuff. He still generated the video store locomotives the associates to enable them to specialist guide valued clients. Customers have cultivated ideal and show are more important. These companies at this point think twice everything that offerings to purchase to acquire the continues to be multiplying sum reliably replica hermes mini shoulder kelly handbags, he was quoted saying. As well as 5 years in, potential clients are happy about one in particular kind of violet as well as the grey cosy sweater which experts state simply had sell outs, this is look for contemporary features, amazing goods and various other colorings. Around natural to football products or services, affordable prices aren't going to be the main factor thing or consumers focus on the high quality he or she reach a specific pricing. The emblem is now defined often as a form of display that most assurances excellent quality, visual appeal . make or model is not at all to effective recognize, dependant upon the record. The fad is obvious. But not getting a discounted pressure vial or perhaps a going to sleep bedroom in a very hypermarket each goes that will professional locations also utilize higherquality design products and solutions replica hermes kelly bags.

He keeps the contents of his life in boxes. The clear Rubbermaid totes with the locking lids that keep the contents from spilling out across the floor when they are least needed. The same containers that keep everything within protected against assailing liquid falling from above. Most of his possessions have long since been discarded, but there is an odd assortment of memories that are kept safe.

A model rocket that his grandfather, long since passed, used to take him to open fields to launch towards the heavens. It never quite reached, but in his mind he was chasing down the parachute of a spaceship returning from a long voyage.

Birthday cards received when it was still exciting to count the years. When the cards still had happy monsters devouring birthday cake and the short handwritten messages read "We are so proud of the person you are becoming".

First place medals from sports competitions, spelling bees, and field days. A single second place medal from a martial arts tournament where brute force could not overcome the wisdom of an elder opponent.

The metal plates off of every baseball trophy earned since playing teeball at age four. When the shelves could no longer support the weight of the trophies they were discarded, and the cheaply made nameplates are the only reminder left that they ever existed.

Too many years of school yearbooks with sloppy signatures following words of wisdom reminding him to stay cool, and that he would see you all again after the summer.

A red, sweat-stained Schlitz hat that was stolen from the older, much more cool, cousin. He stopped asking for its return years ago, and has probably forgotten that it even existed.

Certificates that prove he was once a member of Builder club, Beta club, Phi Theta Kappa, National Honor Society, Student Government, and Junior Ambassadors to the Chamber of Commerce. Reminders of times when joining clubs meant you got to miss class to hang out with your friends.

A single blue ribbon knotted three times as a reminder that it should never be untied. Beyond those simple knots are all of the love letters that were written between him and the first girl that was able to open his eyes so that he could see what love, and loss, truly meant.

An old, barely functioning, paintball gun that he bought with the money from his first real job. The same gun that, through some miracle, gave him and his father their first common interest. He picks it up from time to time and pretends that they are still hiding behind bunkers ready to charge the opposing team.

A tiny red Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robot ring used as an excuse to wrestle around in bed with one of his closest friends on a lazy Sunday afternoon. The blue ring moved far away and has long since stopped answering her phone, knowing that the rematch of the century will never occur.

Diplomas from high school and college that will probably never hang framed on a wall. He was never truly proud of accomplishments so easily attained.

Hiding in the shadows of these boxes is each first kiss that is a stone sitting beneath the shattered mirror friendships that could not hold their weight. He is reminded to find either lighter stones or more sturdy mirrors in the future.

Friends that he has met in countless towns huddle together, trying to stay warm amidst the bitter cold they perceive around them. He calls or texts from time to time, but the embers cannot replace the pyre he used to provide.

Lovers that never expected the love they received in return bask in the solace of the fact that they are rarely seen or disturbed. He smiles when he comes across them, but knows better than to retrieve them from the storage where they are kept.

He still keeps all of the contents of his life in boxes. The same clear Rubbermaid totes with the locking lids, whose transparency allows him to view the contents from afar without disturbing them. He says he uses them so all of the contents don't spill out when he doesn't want them to, but his blurred vision reminds him that he chose the waterproof variety for a reason.

It would only take an hour or two to unpack everything at each new location he moved to, but he knows that the next time he unpacks he will not be doing it alone. It becomes more difficult for him each time he has to condense everyone and everything of import into totes light enough to carry to the next location.

I guess the metal is
bound leaf like.
I'm like the bubbles
of the rift; quickly formed
and quickly done. The
air inside happens only so long
I can escape to the
chromium metal and tease
the snakes. Let's see how
they like it.
Pollution is aprtheid.
Apartheid is man-made,
like the lake, the rubbermaid
containers. The earth
is a big etch a sketch.  This
will give geologists something to
figure out in a few thousand years.

There is a consumer product demon
in the trash underneath my sink.

The other day, I tossed in a wrapper
from a Quest 20-protein-gram nutrition bar
and a hand reached up to grab it.

Thinking I was daydreaming
I pulled out the white plastic Rubbermaid trash basket;
no hand, but the ¼ cup of Kraft Fast Mac
tossed in yesterday was moving, undulating.

It made a distinct voice-y sound
like “You’ll like Mac-a-lot, so eat me!”
Thinking this was just my overactive poetic imagination
I turned to the sink.

My JetZScrubber had wrapped around a spoon
dancing in circles around the In-Sink-Erator drain
while the Ajax Easy-Hands Dishwashing Liquid spewed bubbles
in unison.

Now convinced I took too much acid in college
I ran upstairs where my dog Mr. Brown sleeps
on his 44” x 36” leopard-print GoodDogBed.
“Howdy, partner,” Brown chimed.
“Sure is a fine day to go for a walk
using that Halti multi-loop leader and Sprenger prong collar.
Yes, I love ‘em.”

I took Mr. Brown to the dog park.
the one with the Safe-Steel chain link fence
and the pine trees without labels.
He pooped in the sawdust and vocalized
in his hound voice.
I could have sworn he said,
“Glad I didn’t do that on the L.L.Bean Woven Nylon Area Rug,”
but I wasn’t sure.

Nothing moved
except the wind in the trees.
and I wondered what to call it.

My car came in a close second, bobbing
on the trailer with the concrete tides.
Three feet behind the black, flaked tailgate that kept a Rubbermaid cooler and rusted chains from shattering passing lane windshields on a daily basis. I'm a truck bed and three feet away from my alabaster beauty, and I felt like I was driving it. Window drawn into the door, my left wrist idle
on the wheel, and an evergreen air freshener bobbing with the concrete tides.

when most girls were learning
how to pose **** for pictures,
to be simultaneously ******
and innocence-baited Lolitas

I was learning (mastering)
the art of the keg stand
and jumping into pits filled
mostly with sweaty boys
at punk rock shows
how to hold my own and
not get knocked down

I had this sort of hard shell
though under the surface
I was raw yolk - so thin-skinned,
easy to spill and shatterable

we were drunken cultural rebels
sitting on front porches
of addict-strewn flophouses
******* about the state of things
but not really doing ****
about any of it

I was there, and thus
rather absent from
average female programming
and since then I guess
I've sort of mostly felt
like one of the boys,
not real ****

if I wore a short skirt
it was with combat boots -
just in case someone might
mistake me for some POA
and require a swift steel toe
to the shin, but that
never happened

though I'm sure my style did save me
from lots of ****** advances

in my senior year, I shaved my head
and the girl who sat next to me
in choir class said, oh my god,
what did your boyfriend say?!
and I laughed and told her
he's the one who did it

in all honesty, I really liked
flying under the radar of what
most people considered hot

because when I stopped dating
the guy who was basically
Jack Black from Orange County
(but less drugs, more alcoholism
and also sort of his doppelgänger)

and lost the weight I had put on
trying to keep up with his lifestyle
of perpetual malt liquor, lethargy
and terrible eating habits

and left my hometown
to attend that big name school
and experimented with identity
in a place that has a greater ratio
of young and beautiful people
than any other I've known,

and suddenly felt myself
wanting attention
particularly from a boy who
liked those hot girls

I became one

and got
way too much of it
from him, and everyone else
and I did not know
how to handle it
inside

after I started to wear pants that fit,
channeled my art onto my face,
learned to walk, run and dance
in 5-inch stilettos (like a boss)

though I know most girls
are trained to put themselves
on display from a very young age
to do and say and dress in ways
that encourage this type of
attentive objectification

it always made me feel
not quite comfortable in my skin
I didn't like walking into a club
and feeling every neck crane

I was pretty balanced as a kid,
but became a real tomboy
and then did a 180 -
making up for lost time
with a crash course
at ***** school

I sold out -
learned how to pose
**** for those photos
to contort myself
into what was
expected,
desired

but it never
felt right

and that attention I got
wasn't for what I was -
it was for becoming
a doll of sorts

the role never fit real well
even though I looked the part

and there's this vivid moment
of self-realization I can recall
where I saw it all as I stared
into the bathroom mirror of that boy
I finally won attention from,
tripping on mushrooms,
simultaneously seeing just how

stunningly beautiful I was
and this existential shame
at who and what I had become:
the plastic, the false, the trying
so hard to be pretty when I was
truly radiant underneath...
I think I cried a little
as the walls and me
both melted

and I could have let that marinate,
turned around and walked away from
that ill-fitting role-play,
but I turned my back on that vision
and returned to the living room
and my life of not being myself
with him

I wasn't the hot girl I'd become,
but I also wasn't who I was before
she was also a mask -
not one of ****** glitter
but of hard Rubbermaid
where no one could see
or hurt me

I had to pass through both
my false masculinity and
Barbie-qued femininity
to find what either
means in reality

and now I see
I wanted to be one of the boys
because I had a front-row seat
to how they viewed and spoke
about the hot girls

it's why I never
wanted to be them...
until I did

guess I felt like I was
missing out on something
and I was, but that
was not the thing

that was Sweet'N Low of feminine -
toxic, disgusting and unsatisfying

it is a very different thing
to unfurl in the balance
of fierce and fragile

it takes warrior strength
to be soft and vulnerable,
to follow your instinct when
it tells you to stalk and still
be able to melt in the safety
of another's arms
without feeling

weak

the beautiful strength
in surrendering

I would say I'm sorry
that I hid in faux masculine
and turned out my goddess
but if I hadn't done that
if I hadn't learned
what I am not

I may never have found how
heavenly beautiful and strong
I could feel when I stop trying
to be anything and allow for
my sacred F&M to flow
- authentically -
through me

and one day, I'll master it
and hold myself in balance

perhaps with help
from another's arms to steady
like a good friend supporting
an applause-worthy keg stand

these baby teeth in little (plastic) baggies
[somewhere in my parents' bedroom]

thedog they never met    ,    teething gently on my fingers and silver ring.
these mornings of getting up.
and days of doing all the daily things,

steak+egg breakfast
front porch clutter
sitting on the rug, looking through rubbermaid bins


          •old t-shirt
          •woolen socks
          •die-cast airplanes


dust in the air and [skin on my palms]
yellow film of last year's pollen over laundry baskets that are no longer mine