i. ever same
I was feeling ornately gay as
That night I am “Here, I’ll stay.”
As numb and wordless I massaged
Hoping, God, to only meet your eyes
Still, you hugged, and I said “Same.”
I said to my brain
And I said to that man
Whom I wished to be Him
But, I said it. Remiss, now
My heart won’t be known
In still I stood as you were rapping
The words I did not think would stop me
And arms, came two, and too, my shame
I’ve not been there- in here in love
I need to rest, but you said “Same.”
same same same
Do you understand?
That I want so much
But, you want “Same.”
Oh, me- My ecstatical, upon your bed
Wrapped, I admit in perverse growth
I could taste in the air a thing like an epiphany
Of how fast we could move,
And how slow you would say
To me “Same…”
Achingly, seeing myself agree
To your terms, that I absorb to be mine
Tieing, same, down till I’m “Perfectly fine.”
Right? I’m the human for you
I’m the empathetical un-real for you
Amusing, but so unmoving towards you
Mad, but somehow the same in my mood
We can walk, and we never can touch
At connection through the Garden
Copse, through our nature all stirred up
Ever same into disorder I need to call our love
all the same, i suppose, when you turn it away
when you turn back around, engulfing my eyes from
ii. screens
relapse to your haunt for me now
and tell me why im feeling this crash
and why am i telling you now?
ill never know to why you im attached
i am the one with all of the minds
and im ******* insane ******* bipolar, lay i
feeling so hard to connect, to speak, to be,
like now, as i fume youve nothing to say
cried, ******* ******* text
no emotion, no support
what if i snap, like i feel us needing sin?
everything is ******* text on a screen
no humans, none breathe in sight
is it not the funniest enabler
tonight as with same after same
i fail to articulate the absolute failing of my brain?
******* amazing. isnt it horrible?
like where did this toxicity emerge from, so suddenly?
i swear im not taking it out on who
my friend, after all, you’re used to some break-up
or two psychotics suffused to one life
both so worthless. dont even speak back
how could this be directed at you?
impossibly, do i mean what i say?
im such a nice person, they all agree!
such endlessly nice ******* text on a screen
nice little stupid little sham with my username
representing nothing that i am cause i am nothing
but just only nobody
who sits in a chair and cares
about every lovely word
fixed to my ****** despair
it not enough to stand up
never enough to accept hel-
******* spell checking
adding charade thats become my whole life
it’s* the artifice of appearing nice
in text, forever, without moving from
a single room when twenty springs
insist that maybe im slightly ******
the artifice of growing up
and taking responsibility
in a world that doesn’t even care
about any dumb ******* poetry ever
or any sort of love i put out there
as i am broken *******
crying out to nothing
just let ٭٭٭٭ tire out and
we can all go back to proverbial nutting
as of course you like your ****, friend
you head-case, edge about breaking
though can’t muster *** if its rubbing your emotions
******* *******, edgy teen just
going through a phase meant
as momentary sadness
despite as years pass, same
it all continues still, in prime
so not a phase, i need help now!
cant gather energy to be truly mad
cant ******* punch a hole in text on a screen
i wouldnt even if we were real
drained apathy having a tripping
psychotic ******* breakdown
and this is all the energy i bring?!
please see me as pathetic
and we will never speak of this again
will we? we couldnt do that!
we cannot dare to message ٭٭٭٭ once in a week!
why am i surrounded by this meaningless text?
******* stupid poetic crap, ****!
i cant even escape it when im trying to rant
lifes supposed to be serious and im arranging slants
worthless
oh, but do not ever worry
٭٭٭٭ will stop soon
as always, so considerate
human hates this
and i like human dont i?
so what are we doing?
he should be my intimental
we can split like this
have a hit into
the artificial intercoursal
crying meltdown pixels
i can be cool
and i can scare him some more
every day upon the next future
date of empty words
iii. saying
Me, with my layers of systems. Systems of posture and memorized scripture. That, that amounts to a Bible on people. And, I was scanning you with evangelical yearning.
Passive aggression, I usually call it. Not to believe that you’d pick up on that. Or, God forbid you are entirely aware, but never meet my eyes in their hundred-desperate stares.
Nevermind. It’s me who won’t ask. Though it’s you which will simply not connect, or show care. To emotions, they come from a longing, I think, from the back- way, way back of my forested head.
You’re the reason (always, I am as well) that I describe feeling as constantly encompassed by dread. And loving, and all this wordy sort of poetics I’m leaking, and has actually consumed what I see on our paths end.
That path, what abreadth was I seeing complete? Perhaps the cusp of us as one? Perhaps the youth screens stole from us? I hoped a realness dusted our coats which would sit unused in eternal Spring.
Instead it’s me with my layers of clothing. It’s you with your insomnial silence, and turning away which sees me do the same. Saying so, so close to nothing with two thousand words which bridge near on lying.
Of, certainly, neglecting the actual, non-tragedy, underwhelming truth of us. Are we (am I) yet capable the post-developmental act of accepting some love?
And what even is love? Do I mistake it with thought? Do I return it to that childish, and inexorable cradle of systems I sought?
That inexperienced sort of biting my tongue. Like juvenile, short of saying a lot.
Only after nothing’s said, I say one last thing. Yes, I say it so much, too. An apology leaves, and dies along the path. It remains my laying bargain, everlasting through my quiet breath.
iv. ever sorry
Would you start a conversation
Built onwards? At basics, my hatred
A said, or so-what ignored
Aspect of passion I’ve blocked
With the falling apart of my every bone?
Of course, contorts my avoiding
Playing with words of emotional
Marriage; performing and demure
Because all that you’re unlikely to tread
To the past and dig up such pain I extole
So shall I blame your thinning skin?
Your ***-grown hair, and fearful brain?
One which hides, yet somehow gives
Support to me, that sort of man
In madness, I come, take, and abort
You, who I want to start talking
I’ve seen it that’s why I grabbed you out
A lean on which we could actually see down
We, which so faithfully still get along
So it brings me to tears as I escape into doubt
As my same, ever same screen is shattered
As I stand, but always sit when I greet you
As, behind a cursory limit, I think it all matters
That you and I ever thought fate saw to greet us
Or, only I thought I’d ever live with that promise
from may 5, 2019
poem from the past a day #15
these days there is a lot in this poem that is hard to read.
but i did so much and i advanced so much as a writer here that it's one of most important poems i've written.
i'm not even a relationship person, but something was going on in my brain at the time that made me write a thousand unhinged words about someone i was involved with.
so, part 1 is about finding the feelings im writing about, it's not really about anything.
part 2 is a prosaic word salad / therapy session that doesn't need to be shared with anyone, but it's a part of the whole, and that's important, and it's a part of me. it's actually sort of emulating what it looks like when you're typing out your unfiltered thoughts to someone, and there's two stanzas where i first made a spelling mistake, and then corrected it using an asterisk while not stopping the flow of the poem, kind of like how you might fix a texting mistake, but only acknowledge it with the asterisk, and that's all you need.
part 3 is the start of a style that i sometimes write with which i'm pretty fond of? poetry sentences? it's a great point of clarity in the narrative, but also a point of new clarity in my journey as an artist.
part 4 is back to some very *me* lines, short and dense with many sorts of words, and i'm proud that i was able to end with perhaps a more satisfying stanza than i'm usually able to.
also, i'm honestly sorry for all the swearing. it's really as bad as it can be here, but obviously sometimes excessive swearing is a part of our experiences. i swear in good faith.
this is the first example of me using censorship in poetry, i'll talk about it more later, but in this instance i'm censoring my deadname, and i like that omission as a feature of the poem.
