She goes to bed in short shorts and her ex-boyfriends t-shirt
not because she misses him
but because it looks **** on her
She gets excited when Mayday Parade plays on the radio
she does a dance but she doesn't look stupid
she looks absolutely beautiful
She watches the same movies over and over again
not because she's obsessed
she like the feelings she gets when they end
She loves her jean shorts with her converse and a hoodie
she could be wearing pajamas
and still look ****
She stays up all night and sleeps all day
not because she's depressed, she functions better that way
she smiles when she looks at Harry Styles on her wall
not because she thinks he's cute
he reminds her to be strong
She crushes on a man with a huge scar on his left shoulder
not because of his looks
but because of the confidence he gives her
She's a hopeless romantic with walls around her heart
she smiles on the outside
while on the inside she falls apart
She knows that she's gorgeous
yet she feels so ugly
she has a way of hiding her tears
by being really funny
She's afraid to let anyone in
yet pours her heart out in her poetry
her journal is her escape
when she needs a break from everybody
She feels like a mistake
when in reality she's a walking melody
she's God's gift to the world
and her name is Mandie.

Hey pretty girl yes you
I've known you since 1st grade
you're amazing yes you
you are beautiful don't deny it
you are smart yes you
You are stronger than an ox
princess yes you
do not give up
you're perfect yes you
Mandie baby I love you
I need you to stay here with me
till we die
Please

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to take
Save me from this living hell
or watch me drown in a wishing well
Take the voices, take the pain
Take my blood, take everything
Once I go to sleep
don't let me wake up
Just let me die

Yours truly,

****** UP

When I opened my eyes this morning
I cursed at God for waking me up
It ***** living in this world
when you're an absolute **** up
Before I go to sleep at night
I pray to God to take me home
or at least put me in a coma
that way people could leave me alone
Everyday that I live is a day that I hate
I'm counting down the days until I die
and I honestly cannot wait
Not only will people be happier
because I won't be around to make their lives hell
I won't be suffering with this depression
that I don't handle very well
Everyday is torture
no one understands
that the heart that keeps me alive
is like a ball of glass
One drop and it's shattered
into pieces I can't put back together
Even if I tried to fix it
I'll be stuck fixing it forever
Life is no adrenaline rush for me
it's like eating a bad egg and throwing up
It ***** living in a world
where everyone considers you a **** up

When people read my poetry
they all have the same question
"Why does your poetry have to be so sad?"
The question used to offend me
I used to think that question deserved an answer
I even started changing the kind of poems I wrote to please the people who read them
I was satisfied with my work
but it wasn't really me
I began to feel guilty
I began to feel like a fraud
Charles Bukowski once wrote
"a good writer must simply let it all go, regardless"
I'm sure he meant for those words to mean something else but for me
it was as if I was being reminded to stop allowing other people to have control over my writing
It's not every day I gain advice from someone who has passed on years before I was ever born
I no longer feel the need to answer everybody's question
Hell I even ask myself from time to time
"Mandie, why must your poetry be so sad?"
Depression is another language to me
I speak it well
I write it well
I know it well
Bottom line
if my poetry is too sad for you
then don't read it

Sometimes when I think about killing myself
I see the details so perfectly
I see my vein splitting apart as blood leaks out of me
I see my heart pumping faster as my body goes into shock
I see myself fall to the floor
as my eyes roll to the back of my head
My hand that I cut myself with hits the floor
The razor makes a faint noise as it bounces off of the ground
Everything sits still once I hit the floor
as I lay there with blood gushing out of me
my body finally gets the peace it's been yearning for
Who knew that a simple injury to one self
could make the soul feel so much at ease

As I lay here by your side
Warm in your arms
I think about wanting to stay here forever
As I ignore the alarm
I hold tightly onto your body
And I fall asleep to the rhythm of your heart
I dream about our days together
Their beautiful like a work of art
I can't wait for more moments like this
I feel so peaceful when I'm with you
I don't have to speak for you to know how I feel
There's nothing I really have to do
Except look into your eyes and smile
And you see right into my soul
You love me for who I really am
That's all I really need to know.

WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 1, 2011 Sunday 12:33 A.M

I'm at the park on a beautiful, white-sunny day.
I'm with my loved ones, I see them playing in the sand.
My eyes get that lovely ache from the bright sun,
and I am warm, dry, and sleepy.
The wind tousles my hair softly,
I have dandelions in my pocket.
My head is hot and my feet are not.
I could stay this way for the rest of my days.

New bench, new scene.
Cooler wind, more green.
I smile at the leaves and yes, they smile back.
Ducks in the stream go quack quack quack.
Under my **** it says "NATE + MANDIE FOREVER".
Somewhere I wonder if they're still together.

In honor of today I am playing this song (Independence Day-5 Seconds Of Summer) on repeat. At this exact time last year what I thought was the worst thing ever was in all reality the best Christmas gift God could have ever given me. What was the gift? I got my heart broken. Little did I know that through this heartbreak I would learn the following things:

1.) That guy wasn’t the one.
2.) I wasn’t going to get anywhere in life with that guy.
3.) I was only with him because the idea of loneliness terrified me.
4.) My poetry was turning to **** because I was neglecting it.
5.) I had unresolved issues that needed to be dealt with.
6.) I needed a huge reality check.
7.) I needed to clean up my social life.
8.) I needed to face everything that was causing me to be depressed therefore holding me back.
9.) I needed to find myself, embrace myself, love myself and
10.) I learned that I don’t need a man to tell me I'm beautiful or make me feel beautiful or awesome because who I am as a person is enough and if no guy can see that then that is his loss.

I didn’t just get dumped, or tossed to the side, I was pushed off a pedestal I had no business being on. I thought that if I had a boyfriend that life would be great and I would be happy with a simple kiss. I needed to be happy just being me. I needed to learn that what I think of myself matters, how I feel matters and being myself 110% even though everyone else around me might be trying to get me to be something else and to be comfortable in my skin is what is important. No kiss, no compliment, no boyfriend or guy can make me feel good about me only I can feel good about me. So this year I cleaned up everything. I dropped a lot of people who truly weren’t my friends. I had a friend from Wisconsin come visit me and she helped remind me of the person that I used to be and that who I used to be might have some influence on who I am today but I’m way different compared to the girl I was 2, 3 or 7 years ago. I’m not a girl anymore. I’m a woman. I’m a 22 year old woman who is finally living life for the very first time without insecurities and fear of what others think of her. 2014 was all about facing challenges and coming to terms with who I truly am. It was rough. I went through so many emotions that put me through a long rollercoaster but now I’m able to walk with confidence and not in a cocky way but a comfortable way. I faced all of my demons. Some scary some not so scary. I’m ending this year celebrating another gift from god this holiday season. I got courage, I got hope, I got strength, and those are things you can’t get in a box tied in a bow waiting under a Christmas Tree. 2015 is on it’s way and I’m looking forward to taking everything I learned in 2014 and applying it to the new challenges I’ll face all the while making memories that will one day be bedtime stories for when I have kids.

With that said, only fans of 5SOS will know what I’m celebrating this year. Here’s to Independence Day. Whether it’s freedom from an addiction, a toxic friendship, an unhealthy relationship, ect. Here’s to never looking back and moving on to better things. Stay cool, stay confident, stay awesome. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and even though it isn’t summer, Happy independence Day <3

With all my love,

Mandie Michelle Sanders <3

I know you probably don't want me here
I'm sorry I left you at the airport alone
I'm sorry for not answering  your calls
I'm sorry for letting you think I don't love you
The truth is I do love you
and saying that out loud scares the hell out of me
The last guy I said I love you to hurt me
he not only broke my heart but he shattered my self esteem by criticizing my body on social media
and picking at every flaw he once claimed to love
It took such a long time
for me to build myself up from my ex's mean words
If I tell you that I love you
I am allowing the walls around me to fall down
I am exposing a part of me I have hidden away
out of fear of rejection
I didn't plan this
I didn't expect to meet you
and when I did I had no idea I would fall for you
the way that I have
When I cry you don't get mad
you don't tell me what to do
or try to distract me from my tears
You respect my feelings and you just sit in the moment with me without me having to ask you to
It scares me when you tell me I'm beautiful
my ex he never did that and if he did compliment me
it was only to get into my pants
When you tell me I am beautiful
I know you're not just talking about my body
You see things about me no one else takes the time to see
and you adore those things about me
Like that one night during the blackout you came over
and filled my room with candles
and you purposely got the ones that smelled like Christmas trees
and you told me "I know how much you love the smell of pine trees" but I never told you that
so when I asked you how you knew that
you said "I could tell by the way your eyes lit up when we watched The Polar Express for the first time together."
You take time to notice things about me and that makes me uncomfortable because I am used to being ignored
I like how when I drive your car you have that CD labeled "Mandie's Favorites"
and on that disk is every song you ever caught me listening to on repeat
and you always leave money in the cup holder
so I can grab a coffee from Starbucks because you know how much I love my coffee
When you told me you loved me
I got scared and ran away because I am not used to being loved so much
Your actions say it all though
You don't even have to say the words because everything you do screams "I LOVE YOU"
It's like I am always on your mind
and it's amazing that out of all the women in the world
you chose me
I know you are not my ex
You are far from it
I'm sorry for assuming the worst
and holding you up to a negative standard
After some thinking I have come to realize that I love you
I'm in love with you
and there is nothing I can do about it anymore
You're everything I want
You broke through my walls without me noticing
You see my flaws and love them without fear
I don't want to be afraid of love
With you I'm not scared of anything
You give me the courage to be fearless
in a way I never have been before
You complete me in every possible way
and if I could spend the rest of my life with anyone
it would be you

If you were to walk in my shoes
you wouldn't be able to make it halfway down the block
if you could step into my shoes for one day
you would see that I'm real not just a bunch of talk
you will see that I have suffered
I have been through things hard to believe
and although I get a lot of **** for being myself
I still find the courage to always be me
I've been abused emotionally, verbally and physically
I've been let down and let go
although I have every reason to be mean
kindness is what I try to show
I have been betrayed in ways I can't explain
I've witnessed things a little girl never should
I've been pushed back to be laughed at
but I've moved forward and that's very hard
I've moved so many times
it's caused me to not want to let anybody in
I'm so scared to let my guard down sometimes
because I don't want to be disappointed again
When I'm faithful I get cheated on
when I love I get hated
I stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve
because I could no longer handle being rejected
I don't want anyone's pity
pity makes me weak
I just wish people would shut up for once
just to give me a chance to speak
I may look amazing on the outside
but inside I'm dying
if it's not one thing then it's another
then I fall asleep in bed crying
I can't make anyone understand me
I can't make anyone accept me either
all I'm asking is before you judge me
try to get to know me a little better
One of two things can happen when you meet me
these are choices you make in the end
you can think of me as the fake crazy ***** some people think I am
or you will see that I'm just Mandie
everybody's best friend.

Every time I go onto my page on Hello Poetry I get nothing but love and encouragement. Sometimes the kind things people say to me on there are enough to make me cry because it is nothing but love on there. I give love. I receive love. I have gotten to know a lot of people on that site through words. Me and all of the people that I talk to have a love for words. We just let our hearts free without any fear of judgement because everyone understands you. Most of us writers can only reveal ourselves through words. We share our demons, our secrets and our pain to total strangers and instead of being torn down, we are being encouraged to rise up. That is such a beautiful, powerful thing. Whenever I share a poem, it doesn't have to make sense, it can be just a bundle of confused words full of emotions I can't get out and there is always someone who reads it and says "Mandie, I hear you. You are going to be okay and you may not think people get you but we do. We got your back." I am never afraid to let myself get personal on my page because I know that whether people agree with me or not, I won't get any hate for how I feel. It's so nice to be able to do what I love and be loved for who I truly am on the inside. To be around other writers who see the world the way I do, who have the same goal and they have a huge love for people who are different, it's just wonderful. I don't know how long I have been searching for a place to just be without anxiety or fear of being bashed. I have finally found my safe place and I am so grateful. There are no words to describe my love for Hello Poetry and the people who have chosen to come into my life and just love me. It's not about the number of followers or the number of poems that have trended, it's more than that. It's an appreciation for a part of myself no one wants to get the chance to know. It just feels so good to be accepted by amazing people and know that I have a safe place to go to when things get too intense and crazy for me to handle.

I tried to not take us
so seriously because
in the wake of a long
stream of non-commital
commitments, I've
begun to understand
how intense I become
when someone matters
to me on a personal level,
that's why I left you alone
when I found out about Marla
and Darla and Carla and all
of the Lala's that you ******
and then you decided to be
different for a day (let's be honest.
more like five minutes tops)
and you found yourself
with the proud and loud
feminist, Mandie with an
i-e in your bed and I keep
telling myself, it's not the
feminists fault that she likes
men. This man. My man.
And so I decided un-invite you
to the party I'll be throwing
for you in honor of you
being accepted into so and so
acting program in the city.
I'll drink everything they
bring for you, **** everyone
that only loves you. I'll
leave your car beneath
some distant bridge,
**** your boss and
and take me a little more.
It's not your fault I didn't
take us seriously.
It's not your fault
the feminist liked
you more than me.

Right now I feel very depressed

I just want to crawl into bed wearing my favorite hoodie and cry myself to sleep while listening to Mayday Parade in the darkness.

It feels like my heart has been cut in two and no matter how many times I try to stitch the halves together they always have a way of coming undone and I am just so tired of trying to fix something that will forever be broken.

I am learning that there are some things in life that you can’t fix and I am one of them. I was broken 7 years ago and I have spent the last 6 years of my life trying to put myself together. I have gone to therapy, I have talked to family and friends, I have moved across the united states by myself to try to start my life over somehow and what do I have to show for it?

Here’s what I have. I have eyes that I cover with so much eyeliner because I don’t want anyone to take a chance at seeing into my soul. Underneath my eyes are dark circles from the many sleepless nights I’ve had because I can’t stop crying. I have scars on my legs from the times I have cut myself just hoping that if I punished myself for my own mistakes and everybody else’s that maybe, just maybe all that I’ve been feeling inside would just pour out of me and I wouldn’t have to feel it anymore. I have notebooks piled everywhere of poems I have written, some with tear stains, some with blood stains all about how I feel about myself, the ones I love, the world, how I see it, how I feel it, how I sense it and how I hurt so much all the time and how badly iIwant it all to end but I realized that I can write a million poems on how I feel and that still wouldn’t be able to get someone to understand me and my voice still wouldn’t be heard. I have a voice that screams as loud as it can and it’s as if I’m ******* invisible.

What I hate the most though is that I have a heart that should have stopped beating a long time ago. My heart is so fragile, it feels like it’s hanging from a thread and sometimes when I cry I start to get chest pains because I’m hurting so much. My heart is a part of me, it’s what I follow when I have to make important decisions, my heart is where my passion for music and writing come from. My heart has been lied to, disappointed, shattered, ignored, used, devastated, over worked, overwhelmed and when given to someone I thought would take good care of it, it was let go of, thrown, tossed like a game, stepped on, crushed and laughed at but it’s still running. It’s still doing it’s job at keeping me alive despite the chest pains it has to deal with when me, the one it’s working for, is having a meltdown. Just when I think my heart is at the point of never feeling anything again it does. No matter how many times my heart and I have been pushed away I always find a way to believe in things like trust, hope, miracles and even love. I have a way of opening up from time to time and letting someone get to know the real me all the while building a wall around myself as fast as I can out of fear of someone seeing too much and hating me later.

Pain is all I know. Crying myself to sleep is normal to me. Blaming myself for other people’s problems is what I have done since I can remember. Cutting is what I’m familiar with doing because I have done it for so long. Music and writing are what get me through the day. When people criticize me, put me down, or tell me what a **** up I am music and poetry are the things that tell me “Mandie those people are wrong, please don’t listen to them.”

Listening to music when I’m sad is the same as someone giving me a hug, holding me and letting me cry into their shoulder. Writing poetry is the same as writing a letter to someone only it’s not to one person. Depending on the poem and my mood, it can be a letter to a friend, an enemy, a boy I like, a family member, someone who died, someone who feels the way I do right now.

After writing all that I just wrote I still feel very sad and there’s tears falling on the keyboard I am typing off of now but that is nothing new. I cry more than I smile, I walk more than I talk, I spend all my time protecting myself from getting hurt instead of making plans and having fun, I worry more than I laugh, I am scared about a lot of things but I don’t show it, I’m strong on the outside but inside I am falling apart always. People think they know me and they don’t. They know my name but not my story. No one other than God knows me. Not even my best friend. Not even the guy I’m in love with knows me the way everyone thinks they do. Secrets, ***, hanging out, sharing your feelings…those things can help you get to know a person and bring them closer to you but there’s still a part of all of us that we keep hidden from the world because we are so scared of rejection, of losing ourselves, of being hurt, of being too different, maybe even being unwanted after being told we would be loved no matter what.

I just want to feel better but I will never feel better. I can walk on the strip in Vegas with a smile on my face, holding hands with the one I want to spend forever with but inside I will be terrified of the person who was by my side then changing his mind hating me two years from now and all the happiness I felt that day would be something that was taken away, never to be returned again. They say life is too short to be anything but happy, if life is so short then why spend it being disappointed and hurt over and over again? You take a chance at being happy and it gets destroyed. Why put yourself through something you know wont last? If my life is so short I don’t have time for games and being lied to, cheated on and thrown away, being treated like an option or being nominated for second choice. I would rather protect myself from that. I would be happier if I protected myself, not let anybody in instead of being hurt and crying all the time like I do now.

I know I said I was depressed before, but after reading all that I just typed I now feel very very sad. I don’t like how I feel about certain things and situations, I don’t like the walls I have built around myself, I also don’t like the condition my heart is in. I don’t like who I’ve become and I cant find a way to change how I feel about all that I talked about. I guess that’s why I call myself broken…

I can’t remember the last time I cried

or screamed at the top of my lungs

I don’t remember the last time I let loose

and actually had some fun

I don’t remember the last time I ran

as if I had nothing else left to do

I also can’t remember sleeping 8 hours straight

and waking up feeling good

I can’t remember the last time I wore makeup

and actually felt like a princess

I don’t remember wanting to puke especially on the weekends

I don’t remember the last time I felt content

when I’m alone in my bed

I can’t remember the last time I showered

without any thoughts racing through my head

I don’t remember the last time I looked at myself

and said “Mandie everything will be ok”

I don’t remember the last time I left the house

excited to start my day

I don’t remember the last time I was happy

happiness seemed so long ago

I’ve seemed to to get used to living with depression again

and this time I don’t remember how to let it go

Hunter. I miss you so much. It feels unreal that you're gone. When I found out that you died it was like someone had just kicked me right in the gut. It knocked the wind out of me. You, Jason, and Landen all in a car accident. You were in the back seat; you had no control over what was gonna happen. Jason was driving. Too fast. He was driving way too fast for Cranberry Road. He lost control of the car and you all got wrapped around a tree.

And then you exploded.

The car was a fiery wreck when the ambulance and the fire trucks and police came. What were you thinking when he lost control of the car? Were you scared? Did you even have enough time to be scared? When they found you, you were burned beyond recognition. They needed your dental records to identify you. I keep seeing your face everywhere I look. I forget that you're gone for a minute and then it's like I just found out all over again. I miss you Hunter. You were so goofy.

I remember two or three years ago we were watching a Packers game at Mandie's friend's house. You saw me eating fruit snacks and you asked me for some. I gave you a pack and that's when it started. Every day at school after that, you'd ask me for my fruit snacks at lunch. I miss that, Hunter. I miss hearing your voice in the choir or in the new musicals. You were so talented. You were nice and funny and the biggest dork I know. I love you, buddy.

When your world is falling apart
Because some ******* broke your heart
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When you feel so alone
And you can't reach anyone on the telephone
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When your parents are fighting so bad
And you can't help but to feel sad
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When you need someone to talk to
Or you just need something to do
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When your confused about the world
Whether your a boy or girl
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When you need to get away
And no one will listen to what you have to say
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When your smile can't seem to shine
And you know your not feeling fine
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
If you need to yell and scream
Because someone tried to crush your dreams
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
If you need to cry, if you need to vent
But you don't know what to say just yet
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be waiting for you right there
If you need a friend to hold you tight
And promise you that everything will be alright
Rain or shine, day or night
All you gotta do is turn around
And I promise I'll be right there.

WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 22, 2012 Tuesday 6:51 A.M.

Look up Mandie Thurlow and Follow her pretty please<3

Last night I had a nightmare
that everyone I knew was dead
there were bodies all over the floor
there were even some in my bed
When I turned on the light there was blood everywhere
brains were all over the walls
some bodies were headless, some hung from there stomachs
about ready to fall.

When I left my room I ended up in a hallway
and saw a girl cutting her wrists
she looked at me as she held  the razor up
and whispered real loudly "you want this?"
I felt ***** coming up my throat and ran to the bathroom
only to find a tub full of blood
lying in it was a naked girl
letting the tub overflow like a flood
I stood there scared out of my mind
until I noticed the girl looked like me.

I screamed and ran into the girl from the hallway
she grabbed me and wouldn't let me breathe
"ISN'T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?" she yelled
"ISN'T CUTTING YOUR BEST FRIEND?
DON'T YOU SEE? I'M HERE TO HELP YOU!
I'M BRINGING YOU TO YOUR END!
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO **** YOURSELF BABY GIRL SO TAKE THIS RAZOR AND ******* DO IT!
RID YOURSELF FROM THIS EVIL WORLD!"

I fought her off and screamed "NO!"
I threw the razor on the floor
She laughed and said "are you scared?
I thought you didn't want to be here anymore?"
I fell to the ground and cried hysterically asking God for help
the girl in the hallway just kept laughing while screaming "GOD WON'T SAVE YOU NOW!"
The girl looked at me and said "your pathetic wishing you could die.
You want to be dead so ******* bad go and give suicide a try.
You see that ***** in the tub?
That's you if you make this choice.
You will be nothing but a ****** corpse who will no longer have a voice."

I told her I didn't want to
then she called me a *****
she began to call me stupid as she told me how I was so lucky.
She told me I was strong
but I was choosing to be weak
every time I opened my mouth
she wouldn't let me speak
She told me to make a choice
it was either life or death
she told me to hurry up
because I didn't have much time left
she said "you want to be a quitter, take this razor and slit away
but once you do it your done for
and this is how you'll be remembered everyday.
Or you can **** it up
and be the strong Mandie I know you can be
the one who doesn't give into this **** like a depressed wannabe."

I told her I wanted life
then she asked me "Why?
All you do is complain and you never try.
You want to change the world?
Be the change you wish to see
or else you can **** yourself and spend eternity misreable like me.
You got so much to offer
stop being afraid
stop putting yourself down and listening to what other's have to say.
Cut the ******* and start living
don't wait for life to come to you
and stop thinking suicide is the answer because killing yourself is the worst thing you can do."

I turned around and looked at myself in the tub
that's not who I wanted to be
I want to live and be happy
not dead and lonely
the girl told me "You got one shot, don't **** this up
go back to your bed this will all be gone when you wake up."
As I walked back to my bedroom
all the bodies began to disappear
the blood was no longer on the walls
and I no longer felt fear.
When I awoke the next morning
there was a message on my mirror
"This is your last chance"
and for the first time my future was clear.

When I look into the mirror
I see a girl with a lot of talent
I see someone beautiful and amazing
I see a girl who is not afraid to admit when she's had it
Not only do I see beauty
I see a girl with a good heart
I see respect and intelligence
I see strength for when she falls apart
I see courage and happiness
I see understanding and hope
I see personality and *****
I see a girl confident enough to reach for the stars
I see love and friendship
I see miracles and laughter
I see **** and glamorous
I see a girl who believes in happily ever afters
I see a girl who sees the heart for what it truly is
I see a girl who is mysterious
sort of like a walking quiz
I see nothing but greatness
I see individuality
I see a girl who is proud to be unique
I see the naturally, sweet and silly Mandie  


This is a me I haven't seen in a really long time. I missed her. Please don't ever go away again.

You want to know why I don't trust people?
People lie.
People use your passions to discover your weaknesses and when your not looking they take those weaknesses, build a knife with them then stab you repeatedly in the back.

You want to know why I don't trust men?
Men break things.
Men say all the right things to get into your heart and once you say "I love you" they rip you apart until you no longer recognize yourself then toss you away like garbage.

You want to know why I prefer to be alone?
Socializing brings problems.
Socializing leads to friendships,
friendships leads to trust,
trust leads to memories you capture in pictures that eventually end up in boxes at the top of your closet because the ones you used to socialize with are now strung out on drugs.
They don't even remember your name.
They don't remember the late nights at the river crying because their boyfriend cheated on them with some *****.
They don't remember cake fights at birthday parties or the endless hours we sat playing with puppies in the park talking about our dreams.
Drugs don't allow you to remember that ****.

You want to know why I'm scared to have kids?
History.
History repeats itself.
My history isn't good. It's bad and it's not my fault.
I was a child going through things I didn't deserve because of choices my parents made.
My father was an alcoholic abusive ******* who didn't want me.
I look like my mom but I have my father's personality.
I don't want to bring a child into this world so I can drink and abuse them too. That's not fair to them.
I can change my name.
I can't change the blood that runs through my veins.

You want to know why I'm so guarded?
Fear of rejection.
Rejection is something I'm way too familiar with.
I know it so well I can give you a list of memories from throughout my life and rejection will always be a part of the story.
I was rejected at one day old by someone who was supposed to protect me from monsters in the closet.
I was rejected by family because of what I looked like.
I was rejected by peers in school because I wasn't good enough.
I was rejected by guys because I wasn't slutty enough,
I was rejected for having dreams,
I was rejected by church peers because I wasn't Christian enough.
Rejection brings heartache, embarrassment, shame, low self esteem and insecurities you wouldn't believe.
Eventually you get tired of rejection and you build a wall so big no one, not even God could get through if he tried.
You live your life in isolation and you would rather be alone than take the chance of being hurt again.

WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 5, 2015 Tuesday 10:38 P.M.

I remember when I lost myself. I was living to impress people who didn’t care whether I lived or died. It got to the point where you look in the mirror and you don’t recognize yourself. A friend of mine came over one night a long time ago because I was depressed. We talked about how I felt conflicted because I wanted to be myself to the fullest all the while still want to impress everybody else. I wasn’t happy at all. My friend stood me in front of my bathroom mirror and said "Mandie, look at yourself, do you like who you see in the mirror? If you do then you got nothing to worry about, if you don’t then there is a problem and you need to fix it before it’s too late. Do you know who you are?“ I looked at myself and I started to cry because I didn’t like who I saw, not because I thought I was ugly but because the kind of person I was at the time was not me. What scared me the though was not being able to put myself into words. I would describe myself but I wasn’t describing me I was describing my friends and their traits because I did everything to please them. In my past relationships I did stuff to impress whoever I was with because I wanted that person to like me. I had to change. So I cut myself off from everything, spent weeks alone, writing goals and things I wanted to change about myself. When I went to the store for clothes I taught myself to buy stuff I wanted to wear not what my friends wanted me to wear. Slowly I started letting my "friends” see the changes I was making and instead of supporting me they got mad because I wasn’t living my life according to their standards. So I lost friends. So what? Over time I found myself happier, confident, I wasn’t dealing with drama and I made some new friends, friends who were in my shoes and didn’t have anyone to cheer them on through their challenges. It took me a very long time to find myself and I guess I am still finding myself but breaking free from everyone’s expectations is on my list of the best choices I ever made.

Thank you to mystery girl,
Who showed me life can still be fun.
Thank you to Lucinda
Who showed me I'm not as bad as my mind sees.
Thank you to SPT
Who showed me what being a grown up really means.
That sometimes life will not be in your favour,
But still enjoy it.
Thank you to Nameless
Who showed me that there's always someone who can help,
That sometimes giving up is the best option.
Thank you to Impeccable Space Poettess,
Who showed me that sometimes a little care goes a long way,
Thank you to Julie
Who showed me that no matter how heavy a heartbreak is,
It will come to pass.
That although people walk different paths,
The experiences are similar.
Thank you to Mandie
Who showed me that if you follow your dreams,
You will find your happy place.

Sitting at home with nothing to do
everything that I touch seems to remind me of you
I’m reminded of times when each embrace made me fly
now all I can think about is your final goodbye
All the things you said to me
they were never true
you had me thinking you loved me
now I’m left feeling like a fool…
The actions your taking
are taking everyone by surprise
you used to be the honest one
now your full of nothing but lies
I don’t know what your thinking
or what your on the verge of getting yourself into
if you were really that miserable
all you had to say was “Mandie I no longer want you”
I would have walked away
and taken all I should have said with me
and left your house with a smile
so my pain you would never see

They can say whatever they want
what they say won't affect me
I am going to stay strong like I always do
I will be the best Mandie I can be
All these people do is talk
because their bored with their lives
Their not happy unless their ******* somebody off
and no one really knows why
Maybe their jealous of me
I can't understand the reason
It seems they want what I have
and what I have is what they need
Even though these people are jerks
I still choose to be nice
I will hold them if they need to cry
and I will be there to give them advice
I am feeling really great right now
nothing can bring me down
I am not tired and I am not angry
I have a smile instead of a frown
Today is a good day
I'm hoping it stays that way
My main goal for this very day is to not give a rat's *** about what others have to say

It is moments like these
as the sun sets behind the horizon;
be hind the mountains and the clouds
and the city buildings,
that I realized how incredibly luck I am.
I am alive to see the beauty of the pink
orange-yellow and perrywinkle sky.
The way the palm trees cast their shadows
and are silhouetted against the stars.
To be able to make mistakes and learn from them.
Owning up to a mistake is possibly the most mature thing that one can do.
I have made many terrible ones.
And I am owning up to them all.
To right the wrongs,
to better the worse.
I remember when I thought life was simpler
than life truly is.
Sharing cigarettes with Mandie,
walking to Lauber's with Victoria,
sitting on my porch at night and pondering why I am alive.
It was somehow easier than it is right now.
I miss it...