*******
i thought i already knew what it felt like
to lose someone forever.
and yet, i still sit here shellshocked
stunned.
in my mind i imagine
the crunch of metal
grinding in my ears
over and over.
you were probably
asleep in the backseat.
one moment, dreaming
the next,
gone.

last year
i lost a bet with you
"you have to go out
to get hotpot with me
at least once"
you said.

last week
you told me
you weren't feeling so well
-- not sick --
just sad.
and though you mentioned
suicide,
you brushed it off
"nah you're right,
we haven't gotten hotpot yet.
i can't just die"

but then you did.

last night
at 5:20pm
you texted me
"this car ride is so longgggg
i made a meme
do u wanna see it"
i didn't respond until
the next day,
but last night
by 6:47pm
you were already gone.

and i sit here now
in the steam of hotpot for two,
hands pressed against my eyes
i can feel my eyelids trembling
bitter bitter tears dripping
into the broth.
but it makes no difference to me.
hotpot will always
always
be bitter
without you

A perpetual summer on an end of New York.

Whether the warmth comes from inside or out,
spreads across my face or streams down my forehead in daring rivulets.

Stinging my eyes so I cant see the gleaming smiles in front of me.

Longgggg beach with wiiiiide bands of colors that kiss the sky at evenings call. Call

me down, Ill put my ear to the shell and ill close my eyes and ill smell the salt. Ill miss you.

You got in! I'm missing out. Let me help you in. Take that out. Take me out. Ill miss you much.

I want to go on the rocks. One, two, three, jump! They're checking bags, can they even do that? Can

I even do this? Without you? There’s no us if we end here at the end of long beach.

If that graceful sunset absorbs our love sure the saturation goes up a bit but what about me? It's only been gray days since us you know? You know I miss you.

Your days are still in color? Colorful days still exist for you?

My eyes dont seem to follow those rays anymore, I only get occasional sunrays so bright they’re blinding they blind me from seeing the gleaming smiles in front of me, from seeing the glint in my eye in the mirror it still stings that its just me now. Now

that we’re dearly departed.

Dear__,
what will I do without you? What is me without us?

Do you see you without me?

A long beach not so long at all
its the end of our perpetual summer at the end of new york.