I will never be Good Enough

I'm not doing well, the past few weeks have been yet another dark period in my life. So much happening... most of which I can't bring myself to discuss even in an anonymous setting like this…it's not YOU… it’s me, and the fact that I can't seem to admit the nasty truths to myself. I'm falling apart, I know it. I feel myself slipping. I am aware of the panic building deep inside of me. I know what the trigger is, but I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to “fix” it…and IT *****! Everything feels like it’s upside down, I cry one minute and I laugh the next. Sometimes it starts as a laugh and ends as a cry. And I wonder how much strength and will power I really possess, taking a moral inventory, trying to figure out who the hell I am.

It's just not a good time;
I suppose I should just leave it at that.
I have good ideas,
but not enough heart to stick it out.
Or maybe I’m just not good enough, period?
That's how I feel... not good enough...
not smart enough, or pretty enough,
or thin enough,or rich enough,
or successful enough,
I’m not good enough.
Not Good Enough.
I long to be good enough,
yet that dream has not been realized,
and I wonder if it ever will be.

Lately, I feel nothing...
except emptiness, and hollow...
I can't for the life of me figure out what's wrong.
How did I get this way?
What led to this?
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I make sense of it all.
I think I'm broken.
I feel a heaviness in my heart
something is trying to happen far away
within a part of me I don't remember how to find.
I feel lost
I'm just wandering around within my mind, waiting.
Wishing for someone to tell me what to do and how
but there’s no one to help me.
I cannot allow myself to trust, to lean on anyone.
Been there, done that,
it only ends in more pain, more shame and hurt.
I am on my own with this.
So I write about it,
because that's what I know how to do
and the writing pacifies me
and teases me out of my own thoughts.
I have so much hurt and anger
it’s bubbling to the surface.

Everything around me, and the very fact that I have to go on in the midst of it, whispers to me of my own failure and horribleness as a human being. I know all that I tell myself is not true, but this is not the kind of thing I can just tell myself to stop and be happy.

I see myself as a child. I see a little girl sitting in a dark corner, hugging her knees and trying to be as small and "out of the way" as possible. When she looks at me, her eyes are full of a terrible anger- rage, really and pain. She is scared. I have never seen myself so dark. But she is undeniably me, and she must have existed during that time of my life. I have ignored her, I choose to ignore her, because she did not fit the image I held for myself. She makes me think about everything that happened to me. So much anger, so much hurt. She was rejected, hated, abused; never good enough. She was insulted, ridiculed, hated, ignored, and abused. The pain from the aftermath is unspeakable. I try to list the things my father said to me- did to me- not to relive the memories but to acknowledge the suffering I never could when I was actually going through it. I try to describe the pain and it's so overwhelming that no words will come. I don't know what to say to her…this child of my past. I don't know how to help her exist, how to let myself be angry and hurt, how to bring to life all of the things that I've repressed. I want to express it all, but I don't know where to begin. And I look for something anything, a book, a person, a therapist; anything to show me the way. I suppose there is no way, no road map, nothing but fumbling in the dark, at least that’s been my experience. I try to ignore her, but every night when I close my eyes and I see her, but I cannot sit with her or tell her I am here for her. I am unable to tell her that her pain is real and that she has every right to be angry. I cannot help her or stop her anger or pain. I don’t know how. No one has ever shown me how. And she wants, needs, something, and I don't know what to do, or how to help her. I am so tired of walking this road alone.
I am tired of the pain and anger,
but they are mine- a part of me.

And I don’t know where to go from here.
Or if there is anywhere to go from here.

**I will never be good enough.

I sleep alone
Under a cloud of advertisements
For appliances, and tridents from
A hit feature called poseidon.
or a lion filled with cotton
For my niece or little cousin
Or I could electrify my tendons
Strengthen ligaments and senses
By chewing a certain gum
That loses flavor in a minute
I could tone my upper body
atone for my sins
Or win free gas for life
While suffering through the painful hits.
Of a generation of high profile
Low life wanabies,
Where ******* is the answer
To every question that they mention
Were taught to shoot first
And **** second.
Taught to **** first
And love never
Taught that being clever
Is irrelevant
******* win the challenge
And every single time any man begins to think about opening his mouth
The same 14 words will always be expected to come and keep coming out.
But they're arranged in a different order
So you see what he's about
And now poetry has been reduced
To a sleuce of woops and shouts.
And if you're different, you get shoved into a closet
Then forcibly ripped out.
And if you're silent, and refuse to join them
Then you become a perpetual annoyance.
Because you don't break noise ordinance
And your vocabulary exceeds vulgarity
And you see clarity amid the horribleness
Tears rain down like ratings
Of movies with soliloquies
when I hear everyone knows the words to baby
And not the national anthem
Not even oh say can you see.
Well I see,
I saw the other day
When with Awe the automatic sliding door
Wouldn't get the **** out of my way.
It's too slow, it doesn't fly like my terrabyte hard drive
filled with illegal archives of repeatedly stolen, masterfully woven, and absolutely real sound bytes of pure golden "music to my ears"
A list of favorite artists, communists and marxists, or completely incoherent mistakes of life made into stardust
That's falls down, or rather up from the heaven-hell
That they created. In the minds, of the mindless self hating teenage generation.
The teens think that their goal is met when thwir beating hearts are filled,
But the only thing that's filled is a millionaires pockets
With parents dollar bills.
But to blame them,
Is to blame the system,
And the rhythems of a nation
And the drive we have within
to beat the rest and always win
Things were always better before or will be better later
Fate has brought us here and still were breathing as a nation.
I know and you know, that what we love
Will slowly **** us
And yet we still trust
Our own infallible unquenchable material lust
That what humanity wants, it will seek out not because it can,because it must.
a rut that we could get out, but we won't because it's what we love.
Eventually, in this or the next century, we'll never need to move, and everyone will be good at everything
In some virtual reality, brought on by some technology. The automatic sliding doors are being replaced with banners for online stores.
We will soon swimming in much less, but we will want much more.
Want clothes that we've become to far to wear
Want jewels made from what's left of our atmosphere
Want technology to block tragedies from reaching our ears.
It might be inevitable, or it might be evitable whatever
The chances of either right now it's probably just an anomaly so please if you would go back to your shopping spree, and see only the things they want you to see.
Just be glad that they still let us have doors
That we can open manually.

As the people pass by
I look
And listen
And watch
And realize there are countless stories
Of laughter and tears
Of regret and happiness
Of victory and failure
Of dreams and impossibilities
Of beauty and horribleness
Of wholeness and brokenness
Of everything and nothing
That I will never learn of
For I am merely a tiny part
In the grand scheme of things

Write me a poem.
Write about how you love looking into my poo poo brown eyes.
Write about my ridiculous laugh.
Write about how you love the lingering smell of perfume on my body.
Write about how you love my sweet soft skin.
Write about how beautiful my scars are.
Write about how you have bookshelves full of books
based on sentences I whispered to you at 2 am.
Write about how my fingers fumbled while trying to interlock with yours.
Write about my legs for days.
Write about my horribleness which is actually wonderful.
Write about how I made you laugh.
Write about my horrible taste in music.
Write about how you see me in your dreams.
Write about my sarcasm.
Write about the smirk creeping on your face right now.
Just write.

-elissette