Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Mateuš Conrad Aug 2016
have you ever made a spider a Palestinian? i have, today, refreshing the paint-job on the back of my house, a whole family strutting away from fresh paint being applied (poets cure boredom, they simply don't know it), the cardigans erase & rewind, my uncle would be perfect with his age to work out the demographics - my age circuit, 30 and listening to the palette of those in full-throttle of the 1990s - anyway, refreshing the paint on the back of my house, not for dough, but for the sweat of my brow - learning i succumb to acrophobia on the ladder - but i did it anyway... i love phobias, they're not the fear, they're like a box of chocolates... you never know what will make you startle... it's not permanent, phobias shouldn't be considered permanent, they're too reflexive... and we all know that nibbling them in the reflective realm immediately suggests irrationality, not to a reaction, but to a continuum of a reaction: a ladder, a giant spider to boot. but i never watched a spider eat fresh paint... watched the ******* do the nibble on paint... ***** - a getty cardinal spider shooting paint pollutants with its leg, eating the Chernobyl cocktail, the rainbow melt in a puddle of oil spill... junkies everywhere; so that done, a beer and a quick look at the Olympics...

if table tennis was as relevant as table tennis -
i prefer table tennis,
judo is too cool too - classic Greek wrestling
with feet to match the hands -
i think in terms of the Olympics we're in
the Gobi desert - so many sports are shown only
once every 4 years, the once that don't make the dough...
i'd prefer the Olympics without the pop culture
exponents that keep us hungry for spectacles
during the 4 years apart -
hand-ball, Romania thrashed by Angola -
ladies first, of course,
and weight-lifting, weighs in at 48kg and lifts
80+kg... well Jihad John versus G.I. Jane...
a pretty match up... look, i came from a certain background
i won't be making politically correct statements,
if it weren't for my personal initiative i'd be scooping
grub from an industrial flat surface roof like my father...
i don't mind getting paid... i just love the fact that i will
and if ending up homeless, i have enough heart already
to start a religion, or something.
of course i'll miss my personal library of books and albums,
who wouldn't? i'll join the divorcee crew and it'll be
like it always was supposed to be.
but am i really that ridiculous? think about it,
i use ridiculous words in my vocabulary, after all i went
to a catholic school, it was bound to happen -
not true secular cool, sorry -
but is my usage of certain words completely penniless
more ridiculous in the form of an oligarch buying
a pearl entombed in a custard pie? of a yacht for a month
at Monte Carlo? seriously? if i utilise the words
Paraclete or Antichrist after just skimmed rereading of
a psychiatrist's religious venture in Jung's *answer to Job

am i as ridiculous as those barons?
i don't think so... i read that book like Flaubert instructed
concerning all books: read in order to live it -
a book is a transplant, some leave a heart, come a ****,
some a brain, some a pint of blood with a book...
i hope to leave the worm of hell licking your ear for a sloppy
Jim - read Jung... almost atypical German Christian
intelligentsia byproduct, neutral Swiss just after the second
world war... Freud read Nietzsche and so did Mussolini...
****** was very much Jung... it's a strange book...
we all know that the Greeks hijacked Judaism...
the Romans were like: whatever that meant...
shoved it into a cauldron of the prefix omni-
and attributed to the prefix geographies and geometries
all inclusive (herr deutsche came along though) -
but the Greeks hijacked the oddity of Judea at that
special time because they had scientific inclinations
rather than aesthetic inclinations of the Romans,
and they wanted answers... got **** all...
it's not the Jews that thought the Greek involvement
ridiculous, it was the Romans... hence the omni-
and -presence, -potency, etc. - the Greeks just had
those mythical names for ****... Logos, Sophia...
that's the funny thing with mythology and history -
the book of Revelation by the looks of it simply looks
like a redemption of Oedipus... mythology is a logic
of history where either none was recorded on papyrus
since no one required hush-hush intrigue talk and people
spoke to each other face to face rather than to a profile -
mugs and mustard seeds -
you can always buy the book, C. G. Jung answer to Job,
it's peppered with too much Greek, and very little
Roman care... the theological addition of a globalised world
(under monotheism, failed and thriving, whichever)
is bound to play the montage of omni- and simply add -
God = omnivocab - i have my limitations of words -
i had to censor or rather select a vocabulary in order
to process the interchanges to reach a conclusive churning
without an ultimate goal other than to preserve a continuum,
like Balzac boring everybody with the 19th instalment of
the human comedy. so after reading this book on religious
matters by a psychiatrists i'm sorta bothered...
i'm tripping... obviously not seeing any hyper-geometry
of your choice... i just think the Greeks did the most horrid
hoarding and looting know to man... which reflected
the looting of Byzantium and never reaching the Holy Land...
the barbarians never cared to be honest, they only
started caring when they started to castrate the boys
for the "holy" choir rather than circumcise them...
then they went Berserk... the book of revelation can only
mean the quantum mechanics of history, bound to
mythology - Oedipus was very real... the blackened
heart of Greeks even though Aristotle, Socrates, Plato...
that intellectual import and expression didn't help...
after all Eddie Gein gave birth to the latter part of the 20th
century pop culture... Texas Chainsaw... Haemorrhoid Hannibal,
House of a 1000 Corpses.. history and journalism
dismisses mythology, i dismiss journalism as simply
a hyper-sensitivity that keeps dialectics out of the picture,
a monologue of opinions... mythology just doesn't seem
that insensible given our perspective into history with Darwin
and millions of years ago with the sea-turtles... you know
how gossip works... it sooth the reality of it had happened...
because we prefer oysters and chicken thighs to digest than
the tales of Eddie, oh yeah... Fe Maiden... d'uh!
the Greeks looted the Hebrews to purge themselves of
Oedipus... the weakness came by keeping estranged with
Narcissus and iconoclasm... you want an extract?
bombshell blonde at your bidding -
assumptio mariae: mary as the bride is united with the son
in the heavenly-chamber, and as sophia, with the godhead
.
basically Mary is a schizophrenic ****-child of lust
for a Roman centurion who makes the story of a ****** birth
her wish to bed-wet her son (Jesus) into joining **** John
and Toe into her ****** (***** *****, like her already)
in heaven - she thinks her body will **** her "******-birth"
son and her wisdom (Sophia is her alias, or nickname)
will **** god in the head. oh hell this is sacrilege -
i'm not afraid of it... boo! ha! caught you mouth dry with the
boogie man. so this is a psychiatrist reasoning his religion...
as i said, the Greeks had no omni- Roman put the **** back
into his boots before he starts river-dancing...
all these quizzical ultra-mythical words that the Greeks
used starting with the Logos and Hippocrates were attached
to the failed Platonism of the unconverted Damocles principle
and the tyrant succumbing to drink and never bound to
a sober wish for anything more - (i'm guessing his intentions
were laid with Nietzsche as source of discipleship) - in short
let's just say that Platonism failed in practice,
and it needed a populist movement, a redemption from
the curse of Oedipus came from Hebrew with the schizoid-birth,
Joseph bin Adam was: better bite that ****** of the cow-fruit
and remind her of the stoning practices around here -
oh it's all pretty much Eastenders around here, it's
not the ******* Vatican marble corridors, we're talking
Gaza dust sneezing while whipping the donkey's *** to
move along... split-mind: beautiful metaphor... premature
dementia, obviously misunderstood... if premature "dementia"
while so much creativity among the split-minded...
it's like all the zodiac signs became jealous of Gemini,
incorporating Gemini-Solipsism... well, i have a neck like a bull
and a *****-count like a charging bull... but the thinking
behind the 3.a.m. is kinda staggering... oh right, you want
more quirky clues from Jung's book:
- silvia loret
- maritza mendez
- aria giovanni             (get a hybrid and i'll believe in Disneyland) -
****, that ain't what i was going to write, never mind,
you get a chance to see the palette of what's fudge for
fucky-fucky sized 16+ and what the Renaissance men
knew would be better than duck-feathers in pillows;
- meister eckhart: gott ist selig in der seele
- puer aeternus: vultu mutabilis albus et ater
    (of changeful countenance, both white and black)
- pius XII's apostolic constitution (munificentissimus dei)
   words like muni-imus really make you train in
    grammatical arithmetic, don't they? playing doctor with
   them as to where to cut them for a aqua format of rivers
   is quiet like reciting a 5x table up to 30 (sometimes)
- oportebat sponsam, quam pater desponsaverat, in θalmis caelestibus habitare (the bride whom the father had espoused had to abide in the heavenly bridal-chambers): st. john damascene (encomium in dormitionem);

summa summarum?
Nietzsche answered Job... this is my answer to Jung as also an answer to Lot - **** your daughters, your wife turns into a pillar of salt... and i equate that as a precursor to the man of sorrows on the ****** crucifix - salt is a metaphor for misery (that's etymology for you); and the Roman phonetic encoding survived over the fates of Egyptian and Babylonian is precisely why the adopted son of Caesar later made his uncle's adopted nephew his successor - as with the four dogma canon gospels, we're replicas of the tetragrammaton... well... i was never confirmed, i'm one short of joining the god-men that came out from catholic school after choosing a name for themselves they could have changed not having wished to be known by the two names given to them by their parents... few did... i just ended up an acronym of Einstein: M C E.
Edna Sweetlove Aug 2015
Yay, it's another lovely Barry Hodges "Memories" poem.*

How happily I recall the excitement of my visits to Lewisham's hospital
For my regular "haemorrhoid adjustment/re-alignment" sessions,
During which time I made the acquaintance of a nursing sister
With possibly the fiercest libido in south-east London.
And one night, whilst we were "on the job" in her comfy cubicle,
I glanced over her fat shoulder through the cracked observation window.

Ah yes, dear reader, it was the relatively cleanish Ward G
(the terminal one where the near-dead await merciful release,
wittily nicknamed "the happy dreamers' room" by the matron,
an evil predatory old **** with a 40-inch waist and wild halitosis);
I watched a spectacularly ugly nurse peering o'er the screen
Around poor old ******* Bertie "Big *****" Bloggs.

His wasted, crippled, whitened pyjamed form
Lay twitching on the none-too-clean patched sheets;
He opened his unseeing, ancient eyes and gave voice:
"Give us a gobble" the old ****** croaked pathetically,
"You know you want to, you fat smelly *****".
And then he croaked.  Unsucked and unloved,

O my beloved lector, compassionate creature that thou art,
Surely thy pleasure will be utterly intensified to learn that
The NHS bedsheets were indelibly and spectacularly stained
As his bowels opened spontaneously with Death's kindly appearance.
"Gor ******* blimey, what a ******* horrid pong," came a groan:
('twas Sammy "No Legs" Smith in mid-**** on a nearby trolley).

These events in the ward led to an inevitable result for me:
You have divined it correctly, O treasured fan of mine,
Yea verily, the happenings I espied made me blow my ***
Most prematurely and my love-partner, the sylphlike Sister Sally,
Was so sodding annoyed she crushed my tender haemorrhoids
Quite brutally in her surgical spirit-hardened left hand.
Mateuš Conrad Apr 2017
these cultural darwinists always seem
to frame their arguments with
something akin to:
        oh... when i was five...
         well done!
                     i'm not jealous...
     ridicule / sarcasm can be mistaken
for that sort of emotional content...
  how about you sit on a balcony
with two macaque monkeys
             and end up feeding them
                 sugar bags... and then tea...
without water...
                     and then wonder:
    why are they getting all ******* crazy?
honest to god... i spent 2 weeks in kenya...
the highlight?
              the macaque monkeys...
   + the baboon that was a somalian pirate
        who raided the tourists' cafeteria...
              and the other baboon with
             haemorrhoid growths on its plump
pink protruding buttocks...
                     that was fun...
               so yeah... kenya...
                         chilling during the day...
macaques going bonkers on the sugar...
  chilling during the night...
        macaques going bonkers paranoid: it's a snake!
  africa is weird...
      in europe it's not even like we get owls
roosting in outer-suburbia cooing...
                      in africa?
         you can sit outside in the night and still
chance to hear a monkey twitching
or talking in its sleep...
                   but i really don't know how the colonial
powers that once were managed it...
                2 weeks in... and i was like:
get me the **** out of here!
             the heat was unbearable!
                        but it's true... they always
tell this story: oh, when i was five... clap clap clap...
          oh when i was seven... hoorah!
and when i chilled out with two macaque monkeys
on a balcony... trying to forgive the kenyan
      noon sun...
        while watching a somali baboon
                             raid the tourists' cafeteria...
well... **** happens...
                                 to be honest though...
     the most soothing senstation runs through you
falling asleep in kenya in the night, watching
the ocean... on a deck chair...
       you put an unfinished glass of brandy
near your head... you wake up in the morning...
and you're like: who the **** stole my brandy!
                     ah... but it's all about the macaques...
and the somali baboon pirates...
              baboons are really obnoxious *******...
they're not exactly cheeky like the macaques
          due to their size...
                            strong *******...
             i'd say half the size of a chimpanzee...
    ah ****... but seeing haemorrhoids on a baboon's
protruding ***?
                           let me tell you... that's a cure
                              for wanting to see the Eiffel tower
after seeing what i said prior.
Adam S Oct 2014
I have a haemorrhoid, 
It causes me much pain,
I once strained too much,
Unfortunately dislodging this vein,

Sometimes it causes hemorrhaging,
Especially when lacking fibre, 
I wish I could fix this with duct tape, 
Like a lavatory dwelling Macgyver

Or maybe some elastic bands,  
Potentially it could fall off, 
Then I wouldn't have to check my *** 
When letting out a cough.
Big Virge Apr 2020
Ya Know I’m Sick of Them Talking … !!!
Yeah Talking Bout’ WARRING … !!!
When Wars They Be Courting ...  
Are Weak Like … “ Steve Hawking “ … !!!!!
  
Wheelchairs ... Where They’ll End …
if They Don’t Buck The Trend of Talk That’s IGNORANT … !!!
  
IN FACT I See GRAVES … !!!
Cos I’m SICK of These Slaves … !!!!!
  
SLAVES To Their FEARS … !!!
See I’m SICK of My Ears …  
Hearing Things They Suggest …
That’ll Bring … “ Virges’ Death “ … !!!!!!!
  
I’m READY For That … !!!
  
So Come With Ya Gats’ Ya’ Brothers And Bats …  
But Listen Up Jack MAKE SURE Your Attack …  
Leaves Me FLAT ON MY BACK UNABLE To Breathe … !!!
  
Are You FRAUDS HEARING ME … ?!?
  
Because If Ya Don’t It Won’t Just Be Quotes ….  
That I’ll Use To … CHOKE THROATS … !!!!!!
  
My Question For Them Is Bound To Bring STRESS … !!!
If I Choose To DISTRESS Cos' of Your IGNORANCE … !!!!!
  
Let Me Ask You This Dread …
... "ARE YOU Ready For Death ?" ...  
  
Or Will You Start Crying ...  
Like A ***** When You’re Lying ...  
On The Floor TRYING To Stop My Limbs FLYING … !!!!!
  
See I’m SICK of Them Thinking ...  
That Virge Won’t Get VIOLENT … !!!!!
As If I Have Hearing That Only Hears ... Silence …….......... !?!
  
Ya See ...  
People Who Know Me ... KNOW I’m About PEACE … !!!
But TRULY I’m SICK NOW of Fools ... TAUNTING Me … !!!
  
Calling Me THIS And Calling Me … THAT … !!!
As If Virge DON’T KNOW Any GUN TOTING Man … ?!?
  
These Men Are In Zones Where Violence Roams …  
And They Take The Stance That LOOSE Talk Faces GATS’ … !!!!!
  
I’m SICK of THEM **** … !!!!!!!!
Chicken Heads SQUAWKING …
Just Like ... DEAD MAN Walking …  
  
From Women To Men …
Yeah I’m Now SICK OF THEM … !!!!!
  
I’m Sick Now of Friends ...
Whose Friendship Transcends …  
Into Zones Where NONSENSE ...
DEFINES Their Pretence …  
of Having RESPECT ...
For TRUTH I Inject ...
Into Those With DEFECTS … !!!
  
Whose Lifestyle Profiled Is One of DENIAL … !!!!!
I’m SICK of Grown Child Who QUICKLY Get Riled …  
Because They CAN’T DEAL With ANYTHING REAL ... !!!!
  
These Peoples’ GREEN MILES ...
Are NOT Prison Styles … !!!
They Just KEEP Running Wild ...
All The While Talking BILE … !!!!!  
  
This Is WHY ... I Now Write … !!!
To PREVENT ME From Fights of The Physical Kind … !!!!!
This Here’s THERAPEUTIC ...
These Dummies Should USE IT … !!!
  
But They Just ABUSE It By Making CRAP MUSIC …  
And Being Confusing Because What They’re Choosing …
Is Proof That Their Movements Are FOOLISH And STUPID ... !!!!!
  
And HYPOCRITICAL ... These INDIVIDUALS …
TALKING Bout’ Peace When It’s Fights That They Seek … ?!?
  
But Their Streets’ Prove Their Guile ...
To Be ****** Like ... PILES … !!!!!
MAN I’m SICK of These Boys ...
Running … Haemorrhoid Noise … !!!!!
Talking Out Their *** And Showing NO CLASS … !!!
  
They Deal In PURE FARCE And Then Wonder Why … ?!?
I Choose To PASS Their ... Foolish Crews By………………  
  
Cos’ I’m SICK OF THEM NOW ... Stupid FAT COWS ...  
And Guys Who Aren’t Wise ... Their Wise Is PURE LIES ... !!!
  
So It Is ... NO SURPRISE … !!!!!
That I’m YES … “ Sick of THEM “ … !!!!!
  
SICK of Their Friends ...  
SICK of The Nonsense ...
That Fills Their Rear Ends … !!!
And SICK OF The Threats ...
That They CLAIM They’ll Defend … !!!!!
  
They Seem NOT TO CARE About Things That They AIR …  
That CLEARLY Aren’t … “ RIGHTEOUS “ … !!!!!
I Think That THESE VIPERS Should Really BEWARE … !!!!!
  
Cos’ It’s CLEAR TO ME Now ...
That They’re Causing Frowns ...  
In Towns ALL AROUND ...
And STRESSING And PRESSING ...  
The Buttons of Heads ...
Who Deal In … RESPECT … !!!!!
  
NOT Dealing In STRESS ...
And Causing ... PROBLEMS ... !!!
Thus A Suitable End For This Simple Poem …  
  
Are These Words RIGHT HERE … !!!!!
  
When It Comes To Heads Talking …
Like Chicken Heads SQUAWKING … !!!!!
  
Nothing But NONSENSE ...
I Really And Truly ...  
  
Am Now …
  
… “ SICK of THEM !!! “ …
People sometimes, can really drive you to being, like the poem says ....
The Asteroid is no relation to the Haemorrhoid,
  as the former, is in a perpetual orbit, whereas,
  the latter, is anchored permanently, in Uranus.




Memorise and quote.

— The End —