Will neither be
What me would
Want I to be, nor
What me would
Want I not to be

Zinjanthropus

we have scorpions
my wield has two eyes
i saw no bee
running my right hand

up the railing and
continues hurting..
the cunning man i am
i urinated on it

and that has stopped
there is some wisdom
in the old ways
***** is a natural

healing..

vi

rainy day scribe
would like to imbibe
sweet long ago youth
to kiss your red mouth
that soured wine
and screamed our
insane face..

i would look into your eyes
and tried not to
think of them
so much for
that no..
but i´ d be gone
it was the ****
and all that colors
when we got effed up
you saved your best insights
for our arguements
you brought me two black
kittens
i put you in bed and fed you
porrige
everyone complained
i went to the occasional party
but prefered the country
we see the cure..

i lived the country
we went to cinema
we saw the piano
you on the bus

me on my bike..
i enjoyed that forrest ride
cool in the morning
and out of the breeze
you with the haarlam gazette..

o twas a cold of a winter so
i might visit my friend fiet
who lived on a house boat
with so many cats and dog
and a chicken and geese..
we would have a cup of t
and looked at her photos..

when the canals froze
when at the sea side
or with a sweet cognac
and a pint of mild
heck my hand throb
and my heart too..

I cannot explain how much pain I am in. I curse myself for thinking I had made a clean break, let alone a break at all. I don't know if that had anything to do with this immense pain, not that it could be any worse. I am not angry with you, but I still crave making you feel guilty, even though you've done nothing to me. This was no ones fault, I think. Natural consequences at the most. But not even that. Again, I cannot really express how much pain I am in. Everything I do exhausts me beyond belief, every thought that enters my head just tortures me in inchorehence. I don't even understand my own thoughts anymore. Though I've yet to make any action to harm myself or anyone else, my thoughts feel morbid and violent. I feel disgusted with myself and my actions, everything I do. I thought I'd finally gotten over you, maybe even found someone else until last night.
I still can't believe how one infinitesimal hug could have effed me up so badly. Well, I doubt it was the hug itself. That was probably just the cherry on top of the feelings I can't seem to escape no matter who much I want to. Life would be so much simpler if I could just let this go. I don't know why I can't. Everything that's happening around me is confusing and infuriating and I feel like I can't control any of it. The things I want are getting mixed up with the things I detest and now everything disgusts me. There are two adorable toddlers downstairs in my house and I can bring myself to go play with them because I find no happiness in in anymore, let alone anything else. I love those girls with all my heart, I can hear them right now watching Cinderella, but I just can't.

I'm scared. Of everything. I pride myself on being smart, on being aware of myself and my faults and of others. Everything that's happening to me angers me so greatly I guess because I don't understand it. Just when I think I've escaped you, and just when I think I've found someone else, I have to go and get so effing hormonal and fickle about it. **** being a teenager, I hate it more and more each day. I'm pretty smart, I know I'm capable of so much but I feel trapped inside this adolescent, growing body that I cannot WAIT to leave behind. This is hell for me. And all my feelings for you, and for this other guy . . . Only makes everything more confusing and infuriating. This is not anger, this is fury. I am furious at everything and everyone and I don't know why. I am so hurt, and I am so miserable. I've sought help and council and none of it has helped.
What am I to do? With you? With him? With myself? Everything feels like more weight, more burden, I want to serve, I want to help, I just want to be like before. I miss being happy all the time, now everything feels like work. I pretend to be happy at school and church so much that I don't know when I'm actually happy or when I'm faking it. I come home and just collapse with a plate of food in front of the TV and wait until my headache returns so I have an excuse to keep myself from crying. I'm always thinking horrible, violent thoughts that scare the **** out of me. I hardly sleep anymore. I'm terrified at night. I've been struggling with my faith recently and I'm convinced one of these nights something will come for me in my doubt. I lie to the people who could help me, I tell them I'm fine because the thought of having to explain all of this to someone, having to answer more questions I don't know the answers to just makes me feel worse. I lie to my parents because I know that when I start answering "I don't know" to all their questions that they will be angry with me.
I don't know where to turn. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know if it will go away, when or how. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know what to do. I don't now whats wrong with me. I just hope to God it ends soon.

It's my first day of high school this should be great.. my middle school life wasn't so good I know I'm over weight and I'm not the best looking ******* the block but I'm nice and these are all new people so this should be a different experience.

My first day was terrible everyone made fun of my hair and even the fact that one of my teeth were crooked... maybe tomorrow will be better...

1 month later...October

Nothings changed other than the fact that I have just been diagnosed with depression.. maybe I just need to chill out...Everyone is still making fun if my looks especially my weight..

2 months later December

I couldn't wait for break to come around everyone's bullish is just getting worse I stopped eating so I could lose a little weight and now I can't even look at food without being discusted with myself..

2 weeks later January
I went back to school after break I've lost some weight but I'm looking kind of pale and sickly..my sleeves slid up some during 4th period and a girl saw and pointed it out and everyone started calling me a freak /.\ I feel even worse about myself... I don't even feel like I belong on this world anymore...

4 days later..
I slipped up and ate a slice of pizza. I went to the bathroom to throw it up... I'm not allowing myself to eat if I eat I'll gain more weight... fat is hidioues skinny is beautiful.. atleast that's what tv says...

1 month later February
It's valentine's day and this guy from school asked me up maybe things are finally looking up for me this is great!!!

Later that day
I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT HE DID. He stood me up the texted me that he would never be with a fat pig like me...

That night
I was looking in the mirror and I've gained weight I can't believe this I must really be getting fatter I thought I was losing weight.  /.\

Next day
I didn't even go to school I never wanna go back it's the worst place ever I don't even wanna see that boy who called me a fat.

That night
I can't sleep
the worrying of going back that hell hole is keeping me up
I can't eat because that means I'll gain weight
I can only just sit in my room and cry and look forwardto the day I die.. I just cut myself and hurt myself because it makes the bigger pain go away even if it's just for a day..

6 weeks later March
I just got out of the psychiatric unit because I tried to overdose on medicine.... I really want to die because it's not worth living in this effed up world that does nothing but bring me down.

Week later
I went back to school and everyone started calling me names and saying I was a freak and crazy and pycho. And they didn't want to be near me because I might try to **** them then **** myself...

That night
I can't do it anymore I get an anxiety attack by just thinking about going to school I just can't do it I can't live in this world anymore..

Midnight
I was listening to this song and It really made me realize what I wanted to say as my final words...

All those kids at school were right..I'm worthless..stupid..and I can't do a thing right. I know I'm ugly and fat. I'm in pain all the time, I'm depressed. I can't take it no more I'm a wreck...I just hope you can forgive me mom. All those kids at school made me feel worse about myself. I had no friends and everyone picked on me about everything about me...the beat me up almost everyday and no one cared enough to help... no one reached out.. I was just the ugly fat cow who made made a fool of herself everyday. I just hope you'll remember me for our good times and the fun things we did together. You always called me an angel well maybe I'm just an angel that wants to go home...Well I have to go I'm running out of space to right and my hands are trembling so back... I just hope you could forgive me..Mom you were the only one there for me I don't want you to feel this was your fault I just couldn't take it anymore...
Goodbye

1 am
She dragged the chair to the attic, she tied the rope around the beam, and she put the noose around her neck and on the count of three she took the leap...

The ache of the mammal or primate
The pull of the lizard toward Heat
The Paramecium tasting satisfaction
The protons feeling the raw power
The wantonness of physics
The ******* Sizzle of chemistry

Pulling the hair of the universe
That tight black hole
Swallowing salty time
In a showy slow motion

Gravitic disturbance
gyros into a stars face

This pulling together
This entanglement
of drawn
fabrics ricked

Universes for sale
The latest to the oldie but goodies
You'll find a way to enjoy
Or pretend to defend

Your very own
Universe

Observe your eyes passing
this line

I saw this snake with the biggest lump
The lump was still moving
She must have just swallowed whatever it was.
I talked to the snake--because snakes talk—
And was like, “hey what did you just eat?”
She was like, “Ummmm, the most pure, white lamb you would have ever seen?”
The snake kept talking so highly of this pure, white lamb, it was really, really weird. Like really weird.
Like it’s a freakin lamb, not Beyonce…
So I thought something ludicrous.
Could this pure, white, lamb be talking through the skin of a snake?
Is the snake a costume?
Is it a disguise?
Not realizing I was thinking out loud, the snake sunk her head.
Intrigued, I asked, “Why hide? Why not just be you, like I’m me?”
The snake was like, “Oh I’m sorry, are you Beyonce??”
And I was like “giveuhhhhh, like I care?!”
But I did care and that was effed up to say…
Anyways, she said that she wants to live, so she has to be a snake.
"It ***** to be used, and I’d rather not be eaten alive."
I was like, "oh that’s cool."
She was like, yeah it’s cool, until you've been here for so long that your real skin becomes one with your disguised skin
…I wish I never thought out loud because now I feel depressed.
So I walked away, with my head sunk.
I felt guilty leaving the distressed animal.
To make me feel better, I acted as if the snake was truly a snake who just ate a fine-*** lamb and was b.s.-ing me to bring me closer. Closer so that she can squeeze the light right out of me.
I felt better the farther I walked away from her.
And by the way, I am Beyonce, you *****.

I love the word effable
So effable my feelings for you
But ineffable to describe just
How effed I am for falling for you

Ahh the brilliantine years,
the curled up collar
and the shiny knees
of a five year old…
The hand knitted jumper.
The sparkling eyes of
innocence.

The “don’t know what’s
coming next”,
and the sparky hopefulness
of youth without
the knowledge of the
the things that can
catch you out.

And they will… and they did!
But what do they say?
It’s all character building stuff.
The rough, the tumble…
the haughty outplaying the humble…
Well, not if I’ve got
out to do wi’it!

This latest lark that’s
bringing us down… It’s *****!
What Brexit hasn’t ceremoniously effed up,
Covid has comprehensively shat on.
But “Iligitimii nil Carborundum”...
that's what my old man would say…
That’s Latin for "don’t let the ******* grind you down!"
I just say “eff it - Let’s get on!”

F not for **** or for fracking fame,
It’s for face that is saved, for everything else
That’s F not for effed up freakazoids
Framing the fool or the wannabe fricassee'd.
F is for frozen soul, F is the finale of pitch dark hell
Without a tolling bell
It’s the silent sorrow of farewells.
F is for fire no devil could sell
Funk’n soul, none in hades
Doth ever tell...

G is for the gravitas of goodbye
It’s the gun which grieves
Beneath the soil and sky,
G is the goodness of tears
Love proves, falling from one’s eyes...
So long bereft of feeling
G is for guile...

i

what was that?
o some questions need
answering-only real terms
need apply-

at glastonbury?
o dryads and that..questions?
why do i like poetry
why is there so much trouble

in the world-effed if i know..
we think we are in a dream..
in the doors of perception
huxley

relates his experience of
seeing
for the first time
a coffee table..

(or some furniture
i don´t remember..)
quite remarkable
what is real..

ii

but some think it dull
some automatic repetition
you should see the great
red devils-?!

if you sit in your room
and consider your navel,,
some questions-
who do i admire?

too many to mention-
***** and the maytals
aldous huxley
mondrian..


my uncle ron
inspiration
allowed only to play
his guitar in the bathroom

he left the door open
frankie and johnnie
gently drifted
while i dressed for school..

your first poem?
o the owl and the pussycat!
the last poem?
this one..

iii

it is raining and marley
sings of love for god
it is hard to be unhappy

so i am not..
the cats listen patiently
sweet smell of earth..

iv

worst habit?
i don´t know..
i loathe to repeat
expectation..