So life carries on as it used to
Before the elephant came into the room
Triviality demands my attention
For the hours it desires to consume

The world shows not sign of implosion
the radio keeps blaring its sound
But though not a sentence is spoken
a sinister weight drags us down

At 8 I'm a father of two kids
At 10 I'm a leader of men
At 5 I'm the husband of one wife
All this, from inside my pen

The software of life has a glitch
Despite compartmentalisation
An elephant speaks without speaking
My deep deep need for salvation

I long for a life without cracks
Somewhere joy doesn't feel quite so wrong
I long for the walls to come down
So the whole can refind its song.

I begged and begged and you said no,
Turned your back, said the feelings would go,
****** my way through a summer of fears,
But in the end found nowhere to end my tears.

Now you’re back, no we’re back,
And the good’s back with the bad right on track,
I feel love, I know you’re my “goals”,
But feeling loved I have not yet got, our story seems filled with holes.

This ain’t about that though, how much I want you to be my last,
It’s about a problem I’ve never had in the past,
The feeling to bury myself in many a willing hole,
The feeling to let someone else take care of my tired soul.

I want to be loved, I want it so bad,
My search for love was maybe selfish, just a tad,
Now I’m working on you, to be everything you could want,
But no matter how hard I try, you say there’s nothing you ever want.

It’s not your fault I’m helpless,
Only mine that I think you’re the best,
And I don’t listen when the world says let go, let it end,
I get right back up and start hoping again.

Compartmentalisation, you’re my ambition and my passion,
Recently though I’ve been tempted by temporary satisfaction,
Haven’t felt ****** desire for aught but you in weeks,
But emotional desire, for love returned, tenderness is what I seek.

Who knew this could ever be my weakness,
I hesitate at all to even speak this,
What I feel when you don’t answer my call,
Is a burning need for an answer from anyone else at all.

What is to cheat?
Is it only for bodies to meet?
Or can I have friends with intangible benefits who,
Love me unconditionally and would give me the moon.

“Friends” I shouldn’t lie,
To myself that is, sigh,
What they’d be is only used,
While I wait for you to grow into a person that’s not confused.

I’d throw them away, more persons hurt at my feet,
When all I really want is the sound of my name in your heartbeat,
Maybe it’s narcissistic, a selfish love at it’s worst,
But maybe it’s a good thing, my problem is emotional thirst.

And so I struggle, the fight is not lost nor won at all,
The fight to bear my emotional withdrawal,
All without looking for a cheap substitute,
When my dealer with the good stuff ignores my salute.

an empty box and
a brimming box are
side by side

they are kept
apart
for sanity's sake

Askim, if that’s who you are, you can breathe again now, I’ve left…  I’m on a plane to another city, another hotel, another restaurant and crew of people.

Anyway, I’m gone.

I don’t regret messaging you for a cup of tea. I was surprised to hear from you actually. Seems you’ve moved on from ghosting me to just a cold NO. Quite the upgrade really.

Do you really expect me to believe we don’t have anything to talk about… what a load of *******. You might have well just said, *******.
There’s nothing like speaking to your Ikizim like a business transaction. I didn’t hear a shred of emotion in your voice. I forgot how cold you can be. But I guess, that’s what you’re so good at. Compartmentalisation. Put me in a dark box and leave me there. That’s where I live…

You can breathe again. I’m gone. I won’t pull that stunt again… maybe once a decade. Maybe not.

I just thought maybe you’d like to see me :/

Guess not. Sorry askim…

Sorry for disturbing your life. Won’t happen again boss…

I admit, first night was hell...
and hell is not a place of screaming
and torture or fire
and crowd management panic
of a stampede...
it's a silence, a dealing eating silence
to suppose fish don't feel pain
with the exception of the fish
that are also mammals,
whales: who commit suicide by
beaching themselves...
that's not suicide Jonah?
When was the last time a whale
was invoked with such majesty-biblical
the former hellspawn of the depths
Yes what depths are to speak
of Mr. Psychologist if the whale
is a creature that requires a breath
it's not some lantershish
some abomination but a familiar beating
heart of mammalian unison...
hell is a silence... a deafening awe
that pairs scissors with knives...
mountains with former mountains
that are now deserts...
what used to be the great mountains
of Sahara... so much so that people
decided to revise what used to be
by spitting and ******* and *******
a birth of civilization via the concept
of life preserved eternal
in the great necropolis:
first night, just humming of the cctv
computer, that eight eyed ghoul...
i the ghost to boot...
impromptu: buy myself a radio....
patua spreschen...
in the 12h from 7pm to 7am
there is so much you can do...
with sugar and caffeine
and I started smoking again to double up
on what caffeine misses...
reading Dune with enough time
apart from seeing the movie
to appreciate the words...
backgammon and the banality of
games of fate, chance, imagine chess
being orientated around the luck, the draw,
die...
reaching out to loved ones, esp one,
magnetic girl: dried pasta muncher
as I wonder: pebble dust if she
switched to a diet of swallowing metal
knots...
I am mentally drained and finally
reaching a worker-ant crescendo
of being numbed into a dissociation
von-sein-da (from-being-there) or hier:
heir to "a" here: problem solving
Athens and the Germanic black root
of humor and full moons
Arbeit arbeit macht not so frail...
Tiredness and the contingency plan
of thinking about endurance sports...
like walking marathon lengths of distance
is easier than standing as pilgrim
in the fort of pillar for the same amount of time:
if not double that...
only today I wept at the sun
then talked
then laughed
then became mad spontaneously
and only for a short while...
besides the capacity to have
to eat for the reassurance of stamina...
there's only so much you can do
within the confines of the night on
a 12h ball breaker...
I get bouts of insatiable need to
******* to ease off the pressure
on my shoulders, Promethium Atlas
rereading of the vicinity...
but! if I treat writing this dribble-scribble
like others might relax when
solving a crossword puzzle...
8 cameras and I try to be professional
about it, namely: to be present
but also with the alias: invisible:
gently nudging reality into motion
beginning from the shadow-front...
then I wait for the hour of radio
transmission from 12am onwards
where advertisers give up churning
milk into the butter to dough of
attention spans willing to shpend
shpend shpend.... seriously?
Pedantic of me: if Liszt the Z is a surd
like in thought you can write
(th)ou(gh)t...
I ought I not note oughts and noughts...
primo: th is
what conjecture is relating
theta to eta...in Greek...
This third night and I'm in my element
I am finally orientated
to the compactness of scrutiny of space
and the hyperbolic concept of time-fluctuations:
minutes are meaningful...
hours are meaningless...
days are organic...
weeks and perhaps...
months don't exist...
years I pardon with the gravitas of
a meaning that's inorganic...
time is a special creature
while space with all the universe
so... oh so *******... un- -spec- -tac-
-ular! Ursuline girls would know...
Tis my first night of writing while
on the "job" and how gratifying
the similtude of being ambidextrous
schizoid bilingual of mind..
Schubert first... people should seriously
switch off their t.v. sets and get into
the kink of listening
to classical music radio station at night...
the **** and geese flying?
Solo goose... sorry missed that
Bad WiFi in Lebanon?
Walkie Talkies exploding because
Zee Chimney ChooChoos said so?
Mount my ******* Orion to Zion cannon
of trajectory?
This **** had been happening
since that eventful day I was flying
back from Kauai, last year, 7th October,
2000... 23...
wow... only 15 minutes past 11pm
And I have 8 hours to conjure up
a human with abrupt allowances
of deviating from the magic of:
making inanimate objects animate!