theres a story,
that runs through her veins, that feeds through her heart, that reads through her eyes.
theres a beginning to the start the journey- a middle to crush her dreams- an an ending that she never reads out loud. for its not what she looks like; her pigmentation who identifies her no-
nor the length of the locks that are apparent from the scalp of her head no, its nor the coarsness of it or the silkyness.
its not her tiny waist or her abnormally chicken shaped legs no- it is the story- the stories which run through her veins, feed through her heart, and reads through her eyes.
these are her limbs, her bones and structure. these are what her character and compassion are made of, these are her creators.
the stories run so deep digging a deeper hole within her soul. the more she remembers and replays like reruns of friends the more her soul seems to loose a bit of itself. a bit of the joy and the warmth that they used to bring.
remembering the giving up of them is something that will follow her in the shadows for years to come
she doesn't miss her family, she's not homesick: when she says she wants to go home she wants to go back-
back the those times when they were all right here.
she wants to smell the sweet loaves of bread and mixes of aromas coming from grannies kitchen. she wants to hear her voice again scolding pop-pop as he took a bite of the chicken. she wants to go home. home to the weird smell of mothballs and the cluttered home that existed way before hoarders. she wants to go back to the light that shined in the living room hitting the cherry red coffee table just enough to have it warm at touch.
she wants to go back to the trips to the super market with uncle carl who could never say no. she wants to go back to that room- where the chocolate plastic barbie stood so tall 3 ft to be exact. she wants to go back to the christmas'-
the one with three christmas trees and one especially decorated by gail- with so many cartoons and lights you just knew it was that time.
she wants to go back to the family gatherings where there were fights but just ooh so much love and everyone held it together for the queen of this family.
when she says she wants to go home she isnt home sick no-
shes memory fond and hurting of the past for the future seems to constantly ****** away the ones who make the most strong of memories and impact on her life.
she wants to go back-bring them back for one last meal one last hug one last sound from their voice one last goodbye
but she knows the only goodbye lies between her and the tombstone which marks the footprint in the sand, and the watering of the soil from her eyes that will be ever lasting every time their footprint reoccurs, she knows goodbyes with people most loved doest seem to happen but the real reason why isnt because they are suddenly snatched away-
its because-
we will never be ready
to say
goodbye.
i cried like a baby writing this
