this is my disease
here i am age 6 stealing candy from a shop on Broadway
here i am age 7 pulling a girl’s ******* down around her knees while she’s swinging upside down from jungle gym bars
here i am age 8 Jackie K shows me how to ******* to this day i’ve never looked back
that’s me age 9 creeping into my sister’s bedroom into her sleeping girlfriend’s adjoining bed concerning my sister she’s a great gal but i’ve never been physically attracted to her
this is my disease
here i am age 10 with 4 grammar school buddies shoplifting at Marshal Fields department store we got caught sent home and severely punished
here’s me age 11 erasing and altering test scores in my 6th grade teacher’s grade’s book while class is out to recess
here i am age 12 repressing my true voice and lying to my parents about everything
this is my disease
this is me age 13 being shipped off to boarding school
that’s me age 14 getting kicked out of boarding school then shipped off to another boarding school
there’s me age 15 with Kent stealing girl’s purses from Pink Panther lounge in Rogers Park
here i am age 16 stealing Mom’s sleeping pills trading to score my first heroine fix sick as a dog vomiting by the side of the road
this is my disease
this is me age 17 running away from home to Haight Ashbury CA waking up with ants crawling in my hair strung out on methadrine and acid in Berkley crash house
and there i am age 18 running from tear gas and police Billy clubs in Lincoln Park and rioting in Grant Park at the 1968 Democratic Convention
that’s me age 21 getting tricked by my parents into 3 month lockup at Institute Of Living Hartford CT
this is my disease
there i am age 23 practicing Transcendental Meditation and yoga with Cathleen at Hartford Art School
there’s me age 24 kissing with Cathleen in photo booth at the Century Theater in Chicago
there’s me age 25 working for my Dad while Cathleen is away with her family in Indonesia
there i am age 27 holding a teacher’s certificate from SAIC Mom’s idea i never wanted to discipline kids
that’s me age 30 wearing necktie working at CME and selling coke on the side
that’s me age 32 drunk slurring words telling Elizabeth and her Mom at expensive seafood restaurant i wasn’t fit to marry anyone
this is my disease
here i am age 32 stealing money drugs to support my urges
that’s me age 34 with my first puppy Taters
there’s me age 37 awarded Illinois Arts Council Grant spitting peeing splashing blood on charcoal drawings reading Marquis de Sade dismissing many girls
here i am age 41 exhibiting my first one-man show at Deson Sainders Gallery Chicago Dad dies 6 paintings sold
that’s me age 44 leaving Chicago after too many dropped ***** opportunities chances at love success no destination other than hope prayer of becoming a better person
there i am age 48 burying Taters deep in dirt in Wilmington NC
this is me age 49 working at a record store in Tucson AZ running in the mornings feeling so alone crying
this is me age 50 ******* about **** *** peeing hairy females questioning to myself do any of those fixations actually matter in a real relationship
this is my disease
there i am age 55 living without drugs for more than 10 years swimming every day awarded yoga certification
this is me age 61 without  the affections of a woman for 15 or more years wondering if i’ll ever find love
here i am age 62 returning to Chicago worried about Mom’s illness hoping praying begging for just one more possibility to prove myself
this is my disease
this accounting does not include surviving throat cancer Hepatitis C severe compound fractured wrist and 2 suicide attempts
this is my disease

Poem #5

Goal, Goal is the reason why you'd talked to me
Goal is the topic we had thats why you came near me
I was about to go home with family
But you came near me and tallked to me

I was praying that my family cant get a cab very fast so that we still have enough time to talked

We talked a lot about our goals like we used to.
We even talked about how I played the violin
You even reminisce my decision to tranfer to japan
And you told me that you realized that you dont need to get lonely
And you also told me that you will support me on every goals that I have

I was really happy but it seems like there is something wrong
I cant explain

Step One: Dress for Success
Dawn yourself in armor each morning
Spikes and studs
Headbands and helmets
Strike fear into every man’s heart
And look good while doing it

Step Two: Be a Lotus Flower
A rose, a lily
Be a venus fly trap
Deadly nightshade
Lady Macbeth said it best
“Look like the innocent flower
But be the serpent under it.”

Step Three: Always Have a Perfect Manicure
Sharpen your nails into knives
Slit your attackers throat
With just one swift movement
Of the wrist
Walk away with the blood working as polish
They won’t be able to tell the difference

Step Four: Smile
Never let them see you crumble
Never let them see you for what you are
Human.
Put up the walls
Man the cannons
You’re no longer a girl
You are a castle
And they want to storm you

Step Five: Be Polite
Swallow the bad words that want so badly
To sting that *******
Who cut in line at 7 Eleven
Suppress the rage that makes the blood
Under your pretty skin
Rise to your cheeks.
Instead, when he’s not looking,
Slash his tires in the parking lot.

Step Six: Stay In Shape
How else are you going to be able to survive
When the apocalypse comes
And its only you left

Step Seven: Focus on Your Education
So when the boys at school
Groan because they have to work with you on the English project
You can spit out verses of Shakespeare
And Frost
And Plath
And make them shake in their
Khaki shorts

Step Eight: Don’t Forget Where You Cme From
Don’t forget the hours
Your mother spent in labor
Pushing you through heaven’s doors
Don’t forget the women who came before you
The women who have tried so hard
To be the perfect girl
To collapse themselves into paper
To roll themselves like dough
Don’t forget those women,
Those girls.
Don’t forget to kiss your wrists each night
And say thank you to the stars.

Poem #4

Sunday, It was sunday when you started to build me up again
Sunday is the day when you come near me
Sunday is the day when you draped your arms on my shoulder in front of your birthgiver
Sunday is the day when I felt happy again
Sunday is the day when I felt the butterflies on my stomach again

You just smiled when my brother-in-law teased you
You just deny and pulled over your arms from my shoulder
I really cant read you
I really cant feel how you feel

Confirmation, The only thing I wanted from you for me to feel better
Confirmation is what I need if I should continue or not

Poem #1

It really hurts to see that I’m not important to you anymore
That I am just  became part of your past
That you’re trying to forget what had just happened between us
That you treat everything a mistakes

It really hurts to see you happy with someone else
And treating me nothing just like a silhoutte behind
I dont know what had just happened
I cant see the old you anymore
I cant see any glimpse in your eyes when youre looking at me

I missed the old you
I missed everything about you
I missed everything that makes us connected together
What happened to you?
Why suddenly changed?
Why are you hurting me like this?

I want to hurt you too and I really hate you.

Poem #3

Last night when we talked
I confirmed of something that I don’t want to know
Yes, you’re building me up again
Yes, you’re starting to show me that your fall in love again

No, I hate you
No, I am trying to forget you
You even hold my hands and it seems like you want me to feel something
Something that I am scared if I did entertain
Something that can make me hurt and fall in love again

Music, music is the thing that really connects us
Music is the only topic that we usually talk about
You can play the piano and I can play the violin
You always told me to play together and make beautiful music that everyone will remember

One thing I noticed about us talking
You keep staring or should I say looking at me
You keep looking at me and I was a bit annoyed
I dont know if I look pleasant to your eyes
Or you keep thinking why I am like that

I really want to know whats behind your eyes when looking at me
I really want to feel and hear your heart who’s beating
I really want to know whats on your mind when talking to me
Please tell me

Poem #6

While in the cab going to the mall
My Birthgiver and I saw you walking down the street
I felt bad for not calling you
But honestly, I really want to go back just to get you

After I get connected to the internet, I chatted you
I asked where are you and you answer me just like before
But I saw difference and it strange that it seems like you changed how you treat me
I feel like an old sister to you not a girl who can be with you

I always think about you the time I was at the mall
I always think that I hope we cross our way or you passed by at my place
I always think that I hope I can see you

While walking going to the foodcourt, At the escalator
We cross our way
I, going up and you going down
Your focus is in your bag while my focused is yours only
Then, I cant stop myself on calling you

It was like a fairytale
It was like a scenario that just only happened at the movie
Maybe because I was thinking about you the whole time
It was really magical, though I dont believe in magic

But I was dispointed because you just said something
But you didn't follow me
You even did not chat me
Just like before, just like what we used to.

Poem #2

Green, Green is the color of our clothes this meeting
You come and talked to me and telling me we’re the same
All I want to hear from you is to tell me that we’re destined
Green is my favorite color since young and I found out that its your favorite too

You come to me and telling me that I copied you
Isn’t?
I told you that you’re the one who copied me because it is the color of my clothes since morning
But you just laugh at me

You hold my hand and asking me how I am
Is it your strategy to fall for you again?
I’m starting to forget you so that I wont be hurt again
But it seems like you starting to build me up again

Please don’t do this to me
Please tell me if you really like me
Please tell me if you’re not ready to catch me
Please dont give me hope that will never gonna happened.

(1) New Message:
(Photo attached: depicting a crab with a knife)
haha is this you

(1) New Message:
i’ll be back late, gotta job, chinese for dinner?
i’m buying

(1) New Message:
haven’t heard from you, you didn’t come home. You okay?
people disappear in this town, you know i worry

(1) New Message:
it’s been three days. Jesus christ, Dan, please text me or call me or something. If you want space, just tell me. i’m worried about you

(1) New Message:
did I do something? i’m sorry, for whatever I did. Please come back. Please answer me. One word is enough. i’m starting to get scared, okay?

(1) New Message:
I asked around town. Someone said that you died.
Answer me. Please.

(1) New Message:
wheeeeere th fuckk r youu
cme back ‘m sorryy

(1) New Message:
it’s been a week. Everyone I ask says that you aren’t coming back. I don’t believe them, I cant.
You’re stuff is still here.

(1) New Message:
I won’t ask any questions. Even if you just come ******* take your stuff, come back already. it’s my turn to buy dinner.

(1) New Message:
I miss you.

(1) New Message:
someone tried to buy your ****** duck carving, the one you said wouldn’t sell for free.
I almost punched them and cried in the back.
I’m so sorry pls come back pls answer me pls be alive

(1) New Message:
you never showed me your favorite movie

(1) New Message:
I smoked one of your cigarettes today. It burned like hell and tasted like ****
I miss you so much

(1) New Message:
it hurts

(1) New Message:
you werent supposed to diei was supposed to protect you you protect me we protect eachother but youre ******* gone im so ******* sorry pls come back i cant do this
i cant lose you

(1) New Message:
I never got to tell you
come back already so I can tell you

(1) New Message:
Happy birthday

(1) New Message:
I left your presents out
as though you’d ******* show up months later
and I bought some of the whiskey we drank our first night out
i’ll leave a glass for you

(1) New Message:
I love you

(1) New Message:
I should’ve told you a long time ago
I love you so ******* much it’s killing me

(1) New Message:
why did you have to die