I have wished for years
That my collarbones would make themselves
Known.
That my muscles would
Atrophy.
And my skin would become
Paper thin.
All for the sake of exposing the calcified lattice
That holds me together.
Holds me down.
I have wished to see my ribs
So that I could better understand the bars that my heart
Beats so fiercely against.
I have wished my spine to rise from beneath sinew
Form peaks against my skin
Just so I can see
What makes a man
What backbone is
See what makes me
Stand
Against those things that I do not desire.
Yet here I am.
Synapses stretched between
Head
And
Heart
Eyes sundered, seeing what my heart can't take.
What my fragile fingers fail to grasp.
I am a graveyard.
Made of stars that decided they were meant for other tasks.
Rub your charcol across my bones
Just to see what stories the universe has told.
For it has lived and died a thousand times, and now
And now, this time around it chooses to call this body
Home.
So although there are days I wish my hip bones would rise like
Mountains
In the desert,
That this soft skin would part and give
Rise
To bones like Aspen trees,
I will accept that my
Clavicles
Are the bottom of the sea bed.
And I am
Mile
Upon
Mile
Of stormy ocean.
Still waiting to explored.

Roller coasters and rovers, what my mind has been through,
ways and thinking of getting back in the groove,
Unbroken, and Fifty-leading me by,
work and school meddling my mind.  
Soon I'll be a millionaire.
Soon I'll be without a care.
Moved out and far away, the world drifting aside,
I cant wait! to get out and not hide!
Roller coasters and rovers all my mind
focused and braced for what I might find.
A lover by my side, in my bed.
Tangeled in sheets, tangled in my heart,
feeding something that once seemed dead.
Now rising and taking possesion of my heart.
Fear is the mind killer, so run!
Run and clothed with strength and dignity,
A thousand suns will rise and set,
but until then, I will not fret.
I laugh without fear of the future,
I cry without the fear of loss,
and I have peace with out war on my mind,
Spilling filling, renewing refreshing,
Each line, filled with peace.

12:07 am

this is my first time writing since may. i dont really know what to write about. ive written about pain, ive written about guilt, ***, abuse, drugs. it seems thats all there is to be wrote about. i could write about love, but **** it thats so cliche and trust me ive tried it once and it turned out rotten.

i think this is a very bad time in my life. it feels as if rock bottom is one hill away. (lost all my friends, lost familys respect,cutting, getting fat(startingtostarve), snorting percs). ive thought ive been at rock bottom so many times. but every time i thought it, i realized theres more to come. (every overdose i exposed to mom)

but this time i think im farther down than that. im to the point that i realize dying is a bad option, but i can feel, as the seconds go by, it seems like the best. i know i thought about dying before, but never in this sense. ive never thought of it as a real option, ive always thought "yes, i will take these pills, but they will not **** me. i will get help after they see im suffering"

honestly, i dont want to overdose and end up back in the hospital. its a bore, a endless circle of routine. (take the pills, confess, hospital, pumped with fluids, drink the charcol, talk to doctors, pack my bags, long drive, 1 week stay)

but i dont want to die either. im terrifed of whats after death. (heaven/hell?, rot in the ground? come back a bear?) (worst scenario: stay on earth as a ghost, watch my loved ones suffer)

and i do realize there are people that love me, not many, but enough. and for some ****** up reason thats not stopping me from my selfishness. its not convincing me to let my darkness out.

im so confused about life and about who we are and what were suppoused to do and how everything ended up the way it did. im thinking too much nonsense, not thinking enough commonsense.

anyways, i guess ill keep living for now (probably keep cutting, keep snorting pills, and keep starving) and pray (towho???)that things get better

scintillant bodies flicker
blink and fade in a  darkness
beaming in charcol waves

indigo trees rustle and sway
in tribal dance, as the sea
beats out the metre
on the hard packed sand

on the wing, dark birds
cry lust, death and desolation
and mice write wills and testements
on dry dust paths, before signing
them with a squeak of suprise

in the creek, the platypus rises
and subsides with a quiet splash
surprised by a large form drinking

the frogs write and sing deep bass  arias
with the cicadas and crickets providing chorus
and amongst it all a high pitched perping
from what beast, I cannot recall

we pass now from summer warmth
to the crisp catching cold of autunm nights
darker for the rain cloud weather
making the moon an erethal wreath
if seen at all...

out off the coast a patch of luminous blue
gives of wonder as bio luminescence
holds a small patch of sea in it's thrall

in the morning more leaves
will colour, fade and fall,
the circle continues
from day to day...
                        simply heeding nature's call

your absence is distinct
tasting of sorrow, opportunities lost
tinged with the slightest shade of sadness
a note left hanging in the air

focusing on the here and now
accentuates the lines drawn
between your existence and mine
stark, but made of charcol to be smudged

I love you, that pure crystalline tone
offered up from beyond perception
all the senses brought together
in harmony of hope

The weather is

in your eyes,


and the tossing

of cumulus clouds

across this

Charcol sky  ..


open is

my heart

to your tender

smile. and yours

to mine as well.


bed fellows

of winter nights.


and time

is somehow

misplaced

by your

touch.


it lingers longer

it means more.


whenever you

are near.


and the

nape of

your neck,

is where all

true loves

goes to

die,


in ecstasy

and in

celebration.


and this

moment

cannot

last long

enough.


nor your

kiss cannot

reach deep

enough to

quench the

thirst that

God has

given me

for you.


and as

this moment

finally

passes,


you take the

best that

is me with

you,


and it is given

willingly

and I

know I will

never be

the same

again.