Hej jag heter Kalle, jag är 17 vårar

och
jag är trött på att tårar faller ner från min kind.
Det hände senast i torsdags morgon i klassrummet när nina skapat ett
instagram konto
som hette kalle balle kalle balle är ful.

Jag tyckte det var töntigt för vi är sjutton år,
men alla andra skrattade så vad ska man göra då ?
Läraren sa inget fast han allting såg
han bara twittra på om något som jag ej kommer ihåg.

Även om dem flesta mobiler är på surr
så hör jag allt twitter som pågår i detta ***.
och jag vet att det mesta inte är om mig
och jag vet att man inte borde bry sig men
jag bryr mig.

och det känns så motsägelsefull
för jag har alltid hört att det är någonting fint i att bry sig
att bry sig,
men nu när jag är större är det som att världen har växt med mig
och nu finns det för mycket att bry sig,
att bry sig om.

Hej jag heter Kalle och jag mår inte bra,
jag får notiser om att det är så ungdomar ska ha det.
Jag sitter i min plats längst bak i klassrummet till vänster,
när jag plötsligt ser en bild,  
jag tror jag ser ett mönster.
här uppifrån som utanför vårt fönster.

för vi är ett *** fullt av instängda fåglar,

det finns svanar som alla anar kommer växa och bli kända som alla vill vara
det finns kråkor som är stolta över att ta andras lycka/ det andra har , och det finns hackspettar
och duvor
gökar
ugglor,
och jag

och jag är rädd att jag är en pingvin eller en struts
jag vet inte om ni vet men av alla 10000 fåglar är just dem de ända som inte kan flyga
och jag tror jag är en pingvin
men kanske är det bra för jag är jag.

-Opening-

Some things are part of you
And yet you have no control.
Certain memories and habits are -
And my sister was just so.

On the morning of the funeral
Mum gave me a mint, a polo
I ****** it for a while
And felt the ‘o’
Dissolving into a thin hoop
Of mint on my tongue.

And somewhere in there was the memory
Of other moments spent
******* the ‘o’s of meditation
Years, sometimes decades ago.

There was no narrative to these memories
Save me
And during those moments that narrative
Could not see itself,
Or the relative position of its parts,
But moments do not need narrative
To be complete
Like Bryony,
I’ve found life to be
Oftentimes bad for me,
Like confectionary
And cut flowers
Short and sweet.

-1-

Bryony is now a rose,
But once upon a time
She was a mischievous
Kink in a hose.

At Kingswood Drive,
Ben and Bry on the same side:
“Daniel – help us out! The water’s stopped-
Look down the end and check that it’s not blocked.”

At last! A chance to be of use!
The baby bursts with pride -
Just as the hose unkinks
And sprays him in the eye.

-2-

Bryony ran away from home
To join the circus known as Camden Town
A world of orphans with piercings
Selling t-shirts to clowns.

I didn’t understand it,
Neither did mum and dad.
But we went to visit once, me and mum,
I must have been about six,
Can’t remember much,
But it must have been a good night –
Always is –
When you end up in high heels and a dress.
I was her little manniken
In a whole world of fashion.

-3-

“Dan? Pass my bag there with the moisturising lotion.”
I do so, and by return of post –
A vague memory of a smoky blond from photos.
I always thought she would be a model
When we were growing up.

I didn’t tell her until recently
When she’d acquired the cheekbones for it
But now her skin rippled
With dry amusement
At the notion.

-4-

At the hospice they admired
Her strong will and determination
To join the dots
Of visitors
With a shaky stubborn line
From declining throne
To the swing seat
In the garden.

“They’re lovely here.” She said.
They were not trying to change her,
They were helping her accept.


-Ending-

An ending fitting for a start
A rhyme she made me
Learn by heart
My earliest memory of her
Playing pattercake
And saying:

Make up, make up
Never, never break up.
Make up, make up
Never, never break up.

Thank you Shaun,
for the pictures and flowers.
Thank you Lily,
for the ray of sunlight.
Thank you Bry,
for psychopathic measure.
Thank you D,
for the feeling of good pleasure.
Thank you Tay,
for tea and bears.
Thank you Meg,
for Sherlock and apples.
Thank you Zee,
for robots and twins.
Thank you Carrie,
for fangirling and friendship.
Thank you Liam,
for support and superheroes.
Thank you Paul,
for understanding and ingenious.
Thank you Ceryen,
for fake names and shared tears.
Thank you Chiara,
for Italian cheese and fanfics.
Thank you Rod,
for fish and evil.
Thank you Lia,
for kitties and souls.
Thank you Stephen,
for gravestones and vegetables.
Thank you Christine,
for mercurial and poetical love.
Thank you Caitlin,
for product design and Poundland.
Thank you Jordan,
for weddings and Brenda.
Thank you Conaill,
for DT and Courbet.
Thank you Brendan,
for axes and aunts.
Thank you Tom,
for form time and Brittany.
Thank you George,
for philosophies and pigeons.
Thank you Morgan,
for video games and hearing.
Thank you Alice,
for Pokemon and tumblr.
Thank you Aliyah,
for hearing aids and help.
Thank you all,
for reading and listening.
Thank you, me,
for absolutely nothing.

to my detriment...
      
    (i) wouldn't have thought the concept
of orthography was alive and well
in the Victorian episode of
english history...

    but who can blame me...
after all... orthography simply became
a concern for "spelling mistakes"...
never mind the fact that...
   translating english into h'americana
can find yourself

obliterated - or rather: dumb-founded
at some examples of "unnecessary" letters...
e.g. colo(u)r...
             and i always thought that...
diacritical markers of distinction
were the prerequisites of claiming
orthography...

   i was wrong... so wrong in fact...

                                  +
                       B   I   L   S   T
                              U   M
                          P   S   H   I
                              S.   M.
                           A    R    K

i really didn't take more concern than
is usually necessary...
    Mr. Blotton...
                 said it was only...
   a failed sudoku crossword / pseudo-anagram...
neither: i hope...
              Mr. Stumps: the rock-"owner"
of Cobham...

              'bill stumps, his mark'...
ah yes... the orthography of a "missing" lambda...
but i would have to imagine...
as is the case:
sometimes the u precedes the o...
or the plague... or not really bothered but:
there is a clear difference
when the sound is the same...
can i infer a variation of meaning
from a "missing" L?
   bill... bill... there's the lesser william:
i.e. *****... and so **' come
the w mutated into a b?
lesser still: but of concern nonetheless:

how was **** arrived at from richard?
orthography...
when... all it takes is bil(l)?
                      a mammoth task...
esp. should there be a "missing" mam(m)oth
to begin with...
    it sounds as it reads but...
there's no "higher" reason to infer...
that a mamoth is not a mammoth...
unless: m'ah-moth...
                    but if it's orthographic:
it's also aesthetic to boot!
        a mamoth is not a mammoth because...
an ardvark is not an aardvark...
   and Aaron... and Aaron...
stutter? ah'aron...
                        stutter and a gem of timidity
when it comes to clicking: cccccook...
             bounce a riddle: not so... quick...
bry-dle...
                       the ridler & co. is not:
the riddler & co.
                                 but the added: D and so too:
added and not: ad(d)ed...
                      ad hoc...
                                       it was the year...
oh... i'm guessing 1997...
           the prodigy had released:
   more music for the jilted generation...
an event at the Victoria train station... terminal...
when OurPrice was still the sort of
tesco-metro of ****** megastores...

did i buy it? no no... i was still a "kid who'd
most probably **** their bed" when
en vouge came out with a single...
don't let go...                                 sold!

notion of orthography: furthered...
    pół - half...
           half of what?
   poow...
   literally... / missing from the L and...
' missing from the o...
               otherwise... pociecha: comforting...
punkt: point...
                     ah... this obscure of the most
obscure... under a russian umbrella...
  loitering blister of former life...

to boost concerns...
how am i to be sure that... e.e. cummings
was not... a welshman?
a cornwellian?
                  when reading:

       ygUDuh
             ydoan
                     yunnuhstan
          lidl yelluh bas

we could try... i'm pwetty pwetty     'ssured
that welsh is a protected language:
a u.n.e.s.c.o. heritage sight of: wriggles and lapping...
tongue: mind you...

hellish punctuation...
one of those: lesser arts...
          and all the space in the world:
escape from Alcatraz / the paragraph...

in velsh then!
       basic things: i eat coal...
                                   eh bwyta glo...
       roses are disgusting
              when rhymed:
           rhosod mae hatgasaf
                            pryd odli (fioledau)...
         come tomorrow:
   time will become the wind...
                       dewch yfory,
    amser ewyllys dod yn y gwynt...

gwynt - wind...
   ddaear - earth...
      dwr - water...
                tân - fire!

          that whole hazelnut of:
too many consonants from eastern europe...
yes: and so little in wales:
that Y had to, "sort of"... take on functions
of: why i... a llafariad?
         i.e. a voul... a vool...
                    an owl... a vowel...

Shakespeare? not now... not now...
  by the looks of it: no theatre... not ever...
thea-ter... you'd say: thea-ter...
but you'd write: thea-tre...
and then say: properly: anything
thea-trical...

               this of course is not...
something concerned with:    naws... nuance...
i must most certainly bring in some
welsh... to... for lack of a better... want...
that part of language most alive:
slang...
                      well... welsh for me will
have to... become a "sort of"... new shlang...

   it's wet it's gloomy... but to me it will be:
   gwlyb... otherwise: glib... and of course
cousin glum...
                    
   such is... what itself has allowed...
       and i: the hands that became a treason
to the body and the mind...
ventured to... satisfy...
                        these words... of origins
unknown...
               idle hands: hardly anything more
than idle words...
               how nature abhors a vacuum.

I want someone who loves Laurel Canyon like Tori does,
knows who Joni Mitchell is,
and goes for hikes in the summer up Mount Hollywood Drive, little thought of the heat.
Brings me coffee to the nightstand, never goes to the nightclub,
watches sunsets from the pier’s end and adores bleeding hearts.
Like this Max I’ve crushed on for some time, but he’s over the mountains.
I don’t let that get over my head, he’s really cute when he stutters
and the **** he posts gives me butterflies.
But I’m hung up on Juan, I think he’s the one, but he doesn’t yet know about my poems.
Bry David wanted money, Ian wanted something I couldn’t provide.
Something about these guys made me numb to the oceanic continent divide.
Nothing I can specify made me dumb for somebody fraudulently divine.
Patrick is so ******* cute that every time I see him I risk falling in love,
but he’s like a bath in winter.
There was Dan, but I lost interest and there’s someone else.
He’s kinda cute too, but I’m good smelling flowers at Point Dume, reply asap when he texts me.

I’m out the tunnel now,
I want the opposite of what I wanted.
Think I’ll dye my hair brown
just to differ even more from old me.
Smelling bleeding hearts
and it’s very ironic that I’m better off
without him than with him
no one specific.
It’s just if you don’t play with fire you can’t burn yourself.
And I want a boyfriend but I like sleeping alone in my bed.

Only light the room up when you come in.
Spit whatever nonsense you want, say it American.
I’ve no type I think.
Long as he lights the room up, like a firework star.
My first fourth of July was in Los Angeles.
But I’ve only danced with devils wearing halos on their heads.
I need him to light that **** up, sparks ablaze.
I like being lonely and bleeding hearts, but I want to take
someone to Griffith Park at dusk
rate my love song ten stars
**** me ******* off the drive
listen to me rant about my life
buy me coca cola in the night
take a trip down memory lane to 2019 cause I
miss who I was but I love me now
I was so much better, too young to need love.
Not a wasteland replanted yet, but something lush, not too avid, cause that I never was.
Wish you had the pleasure of meeting me then.
Wish I could meet you now, but I don’t know.
I’m still not paranoid.