when i talk about my life
there is the grandiose and pathos
there is the depths of song
the tragedy of the lost word..

i say i can see the way in silence
when there is too much if..
but other than that gain is loss
one consider´s just might be..

(this i think is understood by
of all the sparrows
but i will not stand for their nonsense
i tell them naughty ones-)

it is my life..and for me to say
no better or worse than anybodys´
when i remember it is my heart-
how the f do you know how i felt..

You're just the right person
to put me back together,
and make every tiny little piece fit.
But this isnt a puzzle
Its broken glass,
shattered so bad,
that some fragments are like sand
Each shard sharp enough
to draw blood

Even if
You somehow got past
The bigger, sharper moments
And laid them out on the table
They still wouldnt all fit together
Theres just certain
things that dissintegrated
when I was dropped from far too high
Far too young, to understand why
There are still things missing
That will never fill the gaps
Even all super glued stuck together
I cant help but notice the cracks
I'll never be anybodys
perfect shiny new baby doll
And that fact alone,
Continues to let me fall

But **** it all and **** it!
I'll smoke myself to sleep
Why do I need a warm body when I've got substances to keep me feeling like
Theres some kind of
sustenance to my exsistence
some sort of end all to this life long mission
For Ive never had the expectation to do anything academically ambitious
Or even societially accepted- even thats not much to gain.
My own mother cant accept the offspring shes produced, even to this day
And even if she started now, at this point, what could I really say?
Thank you for finally saying that after
all the ******* and yelling
and screaming and violence
its all just gonna be okay?
Like we could pretend we've had a relationship for years on years building
Just her showing a tad of affection
to me is a little chilling
I cant justify it if i tried
a hurricane inside
That being said
Its all just in my mind.

I sometimes just wish I could cry...
And let go of everything.
Jut sob away all of my problems.
And then afterwards I will,
Finally be able to pick my self up...
And move on!
Thats all I want...
Is to not be able to feel like crying,
Whenever somebody is talking about him.
Its not my fault he is different now,
So why do I feel bad about him?
Just the thought of him half the time,
Makes me want to burst out in tears.
I have never seen anybodys...
"Vibe" change that much, so quickly before.
He drives me insane!
He is my only week spot.
And I hate it!
All I want more than anything in this world,
Is to move on,
To be done,
To not care,
To be free
I'm sick and tired of all of his bull!
Soooo this is it!
Some day I am going to cry...
I am going to sob it all away...
And be free, from him...
I'm going to get back up!
But until then...
I'm just going to be wishing,
That I could just cry.

I wish emotions didn't exist. That way I'd never have to feel.
It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't take so long to heal.
I feel like I'm the last thing on anybodys mind quite last resort.
Even when I speak with family. They always keep it short.
I try not to let it phase me. But I can't help but wonder why.
Sometimes I think that I'd only be missed if I was to die.
Some would say that is a lie but I know that I'm not wrong.
Nobody ever checks on me. So how's that different from being gone.
I try to keep my thoughts to myself but I wear my heart on my sleeve.
So when I feel like I'm unwanted I just pack my things and leave.
If I don't have something somebody wants, then they never call.
But the second I come of use they're my friends after all.
The girl I love might love me back but I can't seem to believe its true.
So I push her away so far that if i was her I'd leave me to.
I hurt my own feelings because I don't want to give her the opportunity.
To do the same thing as my past girlfriends used to do to me.
I try to let it go and pretend I'm not upset.
I know that she will go. Thats something I regret.
I love her but I don't want to. I don't want her to hate me.
But thats what's going to happen the way things have been going lately.

Lying there, dying of cancer ...
I will forbid most from coming to gawk at me on death's bed

When I was full of life....you should have come to see me instead

I will not allow part time anybodys to try and fill years of guilt in moments so they may feel redeemed

While I was alive and well, you never called or came to see me

Now knocking on death's door, you want to act like you will miss me?

On my way out, I want to feel your regret

My hospice room will be pretty well empty while I lie on death's bed

Save your fake pity and crocodile tears

I will not allow you to now fill my last moments with lost years

Oh well...I'll be dead and
nothing for you will really change

Nothing in your life will you have to rearrange

By the way did he leave me something, anything I get?

Nope....he didn't leave you ****!

We had a connection
Started off as friends.
Turned into lovers
But you were never mine.

You said you weren't ready
To be in another relationship
So this was just for fun
Nothing ever to come from it.

But you treated me as more.
More than just a ****
We were drawn to each other
And I think that scared you.

You laid beside me naked
Exposing your darkest thoughts
And told me you were happy
But clearly not happy enough.

You kissed the top of my head
Something only couples do.
Not something you do,
If I'm just a *******.

There was a spark
You felt it too
Then you became distant
And ran into the arms of another.

Leaving me broken
And alone
Longing for you
Wishing you chose me instead

But I'll wear a smile
And still be your friend
Because that's the only way
To keep you in my life.

I wish I was good enough.
I want our passion
But I wasn't the one
I'm not anybodys number 1


– It was Never me // F.C.