A calamity of views abused
When the alcohol is strong
The choices go wrong
Everyones offend through Misinterpreted temptation
Using my over analyzing brain to calm the degraded
Crying over a mundane sane
Looking for persuasion
Through persecution
Picking out your weaknesses
Bleakness, is a majestic trait
Not intentionally
Burdening their agony
My name is animosity
I depict a character that sympathizes
Your alibies
Using my vulnerability
Contaminated humility
Finding
The hiding
No problem suggesting
My dark secrets of the night
Applying my skits that fit right
Paranoid to be viewed in a mortifying light
I would be lying denying my animalistic ride
I have scrutinized
Remorsing
I see earth born
Godly you stand
In the morning
Behold deformities
You fit the norm
I bow to your Godly proportion
In vein this I pray
Amen

Don't call me your baby cakes
Don't tell me I look Great
Don't tell me that I'm the only one for you
When it's only semi straightforward,
like your pants since the day we met

Don't tell me my *** looks tight to get out of a fight
Don't tell me not to finish a whole box of a wine in one night
I feel the need to sit and binge watch parenthood and do the ugly cry

Don't trust me because I only partially trust you
Don't scream when I request blunt alibies  
Don't suggest you're done with my *******
Baby cakes you're mine until the ******* end

I really want you to know

I love you

Mama gave me all of my
stubborn strength
and jealousies,
my hurry-up,
my alibies—
she’d lift her gospel
hands with me.

Jesus never came in clear,
the scripture scraped
into her palms,
those panicked prayers
he couldn’t hear,
but her persistence
carried on.

She taught me what the value is
of never hedging
any bets—
when life is short,
you go all in—

my dad though, he knew
when to quit.

Just wipe those tears
From your eyes,
I want the news
Not the weather
I'm getting tired of your lies
These so called things that you call alibies
Are nothing but a big disguise
Well I can see right through you
What makes you think you
Can go break my heart
Turn around and we can start
All brand new?
This is not some silly game
Only one player remains
And you're the Loser

All the blood I've shed,
all the fears I've fed,
all the paper hearts
with these boots I've tread,
all the sacred smiles,
I have dashed apart,
all the burnt up files
all the slashed up art,
all the tearful pleas
I have laughed right through,
are a burning bridge
between me and you.

On the stormy seas,
sailors go to die,
in your tiny hands,
mated dragonflies,
share a sweet disease
seen through lonely eyes,
on a moonlit strand,
in a land before time
moved and left you here,
stripped of your disguise
I only hope my dear
you'll forgive my lies.

I know it may sound queer,
but I still can't stand
to see of you in pain,
a severed wedding band,
my phony alibies.
Yet you cannot see
your beauty in the mirror
and you cannot hear
 all the melodies,
 I sung right here,
before the memories
 all disappeared.

I couldn't let go. And just say no, because I'm an addict and once I got into the flow there's no doubt that the ps4 went into rest mode. When the poem that I wrote for you was lost to the abyss I grew despondent and may have suffered paralysis a minute or two before this revision. Here I sit with a stale cigarette because it's been a while. And I'm not talented, so after reading your poems I've decided to steal your style. Then I made a decision to cut the lights, making the room dark. Because maybe if I shut off a sense or two my mind could begin to spark.

And quit berating me like a shark over losing that last thought. Even though I know you feel that kind of energy that I'm so desperately trying to lay bare naked for you to see so ******* unapologetically.

So once again I apologize for my intrusion. I'll try to keep it short and to the point and omit the confusion... Just let that raw spongy meat fill the sink like a blood soaked delusion. I'm like a fungus trying to find that tender feeling. The very same that's left me reeling. Congealing at the mouth for a minute or two until I let the tears run that had been concealed as if in a Sun fusion tomb.

And not to be rude but these first lines are garbage. I wanted to save that last one because at least there was some heartfelt flow. Not just rhymes and the due time of some clandestine woe. Here we go.. I can't do this. It's like the moment has passed because it got ruined. And now I can't get back to the place where I'm imagining your face or our palms interlaced...

And now my phone is dying. I'm scrambling to the charger deranged and out of place. I can't let the phone die then one more time curse the sky and wonder why. I won't take it as a sign that these words aren't meant to be written while I'm trying to remember only what the last one said like it needed this phony precision... Just acting crazy and coddling this vision like it's my baby. Like 7AM is a normal time to still be up. I don't know, maybe? Maybe it's because I've been thinking about you lately. And the thought of that had me in denial, lady. And look at me getting cocky with what I say. Like I can stand here and act queer and make sloppy jokes like that's okay!?

Maybe that's the reason why I can't sleep. Because I can't even hide my pride any more this time. I'm tired of rhyming. I just want to touch on what you used to tell me was a piece of me that was inspiring. I'd be lying if I said I have any of it left because any notion of that premise is so much less than deft. And here I go thinking I'm about to touch upon what's left in my heart when I know just how it will end but no idea where to start. Maybe it will come to me if I talk about dreams. Something innocent enough to dilute my own selfish reprieve.

What you meant to me.. Has me stricken with grief. Every word that I write feels like a giant hypocrisy. Every time that I think these thoughts I want to drown myself in my sleep.

And now I have that other poem that's going through my head but you have no ideas as to how it sounded or what it said. I described myself as a felon for what I did to you. How I stole your time for my own designs that much I know is true. But the truth of the matter is I can't stop the superfluous rush of rhyming words that want to come and they need to hush up. I'm trying to come from the heart. And all I can say is that I'm in a lot of pain just trying to relay... Trying to close my eyes and enter that flow state. For you I will.. I'm awake with my intent. It's almost eight but not too late for me to tell you just how I feel. If I try to rhyme it's not going to be right. It kills me inside that it's hard to fight. But I guess that's typical. Because I'd rather think of what to say next than be literal. Because I'd rather be a figurative criminal than dig deeper. I'd rather grow cynical than for once just face the reaper. I know my character when I despise my own reflection that alternates between this state and a newly found perception Because I'd rather be an outcast. Reject and misunderstood preacher than a disciple... and I'm my only rival.. But this isn't a confession to you and this digression isn't the Bible...

Just a predecessor to an elaborate truth and one at which I've been so uncouth. I see a black hole when I close my eyes. I know that I tell lies and hide behind alibies so my vacancies are my disguise. Now does that suffice for my ******* ego? Can I finally tell someone that I love just how hard it was to let go. How two years have passed and nothing feels so special because someone met tonight lead me to retrograde and that was heavy.. But it was more like an epiphany. It forced my pride and opened wide the holes I have inside. The very same that came from the time we said goodbye. When I forced your hand and took that stand and created a divide. I try and I try to convince myself that I miss the idea of you. But I'd be lying. I changed things up and pressed my luck but here's to trying. The stupid rhymes won't go away. They think it's safe. They think it's dignified, composed, and chaste. Whatever their reasons they fight being erased. And I guess that's the next wave of emotion I have to face..  

Even in a room with no-one around. I have to think about how it was you who lifted me into the clouds, and I in turn always brought you to the ground. I do believe the love we had was profound. I knew that you could speak to me without a sound.

And yet we still drowned, and I'm left shaking, still headstrong and rationalizing and faking. Still ******* rhyming even though this is the second poem in the making. How I managed to render the most precious bond I had forever forsaking it. What I'm left with to know is that I have no right after all this time to come into your life.

What I've learned is there's a difference between what you know and what you believe. In a moment of clarity I know what I've got is deserving. And then choose to believe in nostalgia and empty tears. Because Nissa, darling, it's been two years. And you're a new person in the moment I was here. Somehow I hope that one day you will read this little post-it note that means more to me than any wisdom or quote in the few passages here that aren't cunning or rote. It wasn't meant for many eyes to see. But I can't take this familiar loneliness haunting me. And there I go trying to connect synapses into the next day like it matters as time elapses
I lay here in bed with nothing to say but convey memories within my head. They don't fill me with dread, I reminisce with a soft version of sober ringing like the singing call of the dead. And though it was fleeting you will never leave me. So from the deaths that I've caused this to follow is what I'm bereaving. I might have been dreaming but I once was believing that all my deceit could prevent me from grieving. Like I don't already know that you're long gone and I'm still breathing. Like I don't sit here seething and still trying to rhyme or think of that last design. Like I'm not lying at all or that I haven't been crying. Washed up water methods and coping mechanisms may sedate me for a week. I don't want all of your love because for me it was enough knowing we were Nissa and Cedric.

I'm beginning to understand why they say home is where the heart is because I scream while I'm alone remembering and receive no catharsis. It's why I starve myself of necessary sleep to stay awake then soothe myself when I shake reflecting on mistakes. Now I only have to wonder about what you're doing. Because I won't reach out, ungluing and unraveling a door that's been shut when just a reminder of you washed me into a rut. It's why the ocean's waves are bringing me peace. They're consistency is what I have left to just cease and desist when I grow sullen and remiss. When I've now spent my night writing this. When I miss your kiss, but truly long for your echo. When I know I have to move on now but I won't let go. I love you. Just in case.. You didn't know.

There are people in every nation

Seeking for an answer of a certain question

A question that will change their destination

If it is answered with a correct explanation



In their minds creeps in a lot of confusion

For the world is giving them different solution

A solution that offers hallucination or delusion

That brings them to eternal condemnation



This is the work of the god of all lies

Deceiving people with all his alibies

Offering them good things to make them his allies

Yes, fooling God’s people he is so wise



Sad to know that many got enticed

For all his tactics was not recognized

Because to an angel’s face he disguised

His plan to victimize people was realized



This is a wakeup call to all of us

It’s time to declare to them the name of Jesus

The Word of God to them we need to discuss

The message of the gospel to them we need to pass



All Christians should be united to destroy the work of the enemy

It could only be done if we offer our lives sacrificially

The lies of Satan will be destroyed utterly

If the name of JESUS is spread to the world widely

There are people in every nation

Seeking for an answer of a certain question

A question that will change their destination

If it is answered with a correct explanation



In their minds creeps in a lot of confusion

For the world is giving them different solution

A solution that offers hallucination or delusion

That brings them to eternal condemnation



This is the work of the god of all lies

Deceiving people with all his alibies

Offering them good things to make them his allies

Yes, fooling God’s people he is so wise



Sad to know that many got enticed

For all his tactics was not recognized

Because to an angel’s face he disguised

His plan to victimize people was realized



This is a wakeup call to all of us

It’s time to declare to them the name of Jesus

The Word of God to them we need to discuss

The message of the gospel to them we need to pass



All Christians should be united to destroy the work of the enemy

It could only be done if we offer our lives sacrificially

The lies of Satan will be destroyed utterly

If the name of JESUS is spread to the world widely