Sometimes I feel **** alien, even in the
Most familiar of surroundings.
Instead of spinning, pointing,
Naming everything Home,

I shut myself, and turn inward.
Day after day the first one at a
New school in a foreign country,
As far from a cool kid as the

Overweight teacher's pet with a
Stutter. I don't even know how to
Speak my own name in their
Incomprehensible language.

Nothing here is for me, and
At least E.T. had a home to phone; all
I have is the space i possess as I walk
Through it, eyes firm on borrowed

Footing. No single road leads to my
Rome, and somewhere inside the
Timelessness of my innermost, the
Old, old man watches the young'uns

Talking, dressing, adressing,
Preferring, doing it all the way
Young'uns do, with pale, tired eyes
And simply just

Can't, -tries, but- just doesn't
Understand.

i don't know where to put you

your hands just under reach my skin
i'm not considered a victim
my bruises are on the inside
and the fault goes to me
i'm not abused

but yet

the thought of even adressing you makes me sad
"the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i ever had"
that line meant nothing until my sleep brought to my attention
my dad
i peel at my sanity
no more than a locked room
your words push me down the stairs
because they never speak the truth
especially when they force out the words *"i love you"

my emotions are confused
my emotions are unused
my emotions are scared to death of his
**emotional abuse

I can't say that I know what it's like
To lose someone
And it's not because I have never experienced death

My Great Aunt died of lung cancer
Though she never smoked
And was the nicest lady
With what I assumed
Was a New York accent
To ever be convinced that I loved
Her Spinach Frittata
And who indirectly
Made jokes about my insatiable desire
To consume the apple pie

She died on the tenth of october in the year two-thousand ten
(10/10/10)
And I remember my father calling me to the kitchen
To tell me the news
I cried a little
And went back to my room to write angry poetry
But ultimately I was just tired
And went to sleep
Without really adressing anything

At her funeral, I remember my cousin telling me
The story of how her (then) long-term boyfriend
Used wire cutters to remove his braces
A week before they were due to come off
They called me over to put a shovelful of dirt
Into the grave
And I did
Then ran back, jumping as I did (jumping as I did),
To my cousin
Because her candid attitude let me know that it was ok
Not to be somber

My dad's friend had a stroke which dislodged blood clots and sent him
Into a coma for a long time
And while we posed with him for Christmas pictures
(I hated posing, I hated the picture-taking, I hated smiling, it all felt wrong)
And my father promised that hypnosis was going to work
My dad's friend died
In a hospital bed
In his home
In a historical region of uptown Whittier
My dad lost his friend
My mom lost hers as well
When she stopped talking to his wife
Who had been her friend first

The cousin who was talking to me at the funeral
Lost her (then) boyfriend
When she woke up one morning
To find him dead with her
In bed

So I can't say that I know what it's like
Because I have lost people
I've seen death
And I dislike it
I dislike the thought that all my
Teachers will die before me
And I am sad thinking about those days
That I will be in the crowd
One of the Touched

I dislike that I don't know what it's like
Because I don't see it like the others
I try to remember beauty in their life
Beauty that they shared with me
Beauty that I will keep alive
Like the energy cell
The Doctor blew life into
To power the TARDIS

But if I can't find it
If there was nothing we shared
If there is nothing to tie me to them
I feel bad that someone else feels bad
I dislike their pain and
I wish I could give them a hug
And that the hug would fix everything
But it won't
And all I can do is think about
How much I ****
At comforting grievers
And how much I wish
I could be a better comforter
But I'm not
Because I don't do well with death

If You Need Me I Swear I'm Gonna Be There
War Boots On , No Choice But To Be Strong
Ima Mathafuking God Created By A God
God This Can't Be Wrong
Nights Are So ******* Long
Put On Some Songs
Hmm With Tunes
Till I Am A Toomb
**** Gets Ridiculous
If I Morals Are Warm Holes
Then Who Do I Kick It With
Let Me Be Honest
Mermaids & Goddesses
Romance Hold Hands
Slow Dance
That's No Broken Promisees
I Don't What Prom Is
Adressing Whats Throbbing
Cleansing The Problems
When Gaze Deep Inside
Each Of Our Eyes
I See , Feel Dead & Live
Things Do Not Pass
They Just Turn To Black
Transcend & Fly & Might Even Come Back
I'm In The Kitching
Window Is Missing
I'm Killing Flys
I Still Feel Its As Violent
As Killing Our Kind
My Heart It Just Shines
Although That It Aches
I'm More Than Okay
I'm Gonna Be Fine
Here On This Earth
To Open Our Eyes
Frequency Frequently Rise
Love Is The Way
Owls At Night
Blood Of 3 Lambs
Landed On This Knife
Rituals I Do Them Right
Patience Isnt Required
I Just Take My Time
Alone In My Room
Ooh I Am Crying
Just To Release
The Energy Of Me Feeling The Need That Today I Am Dying
I Know That I'm Not
I Sewe Up My Heart
The Bleeding Has Stopped
I Know What Pain Is
I Know What It Costs
Love Is To Gain Not To Be Lost
It Rains & Snows
In My Conscious Thoughts
I Bleed From My Nose
When I See A Ghost
The Energys Blows
If Were Being Controlled
The One With The Stick
I Don't Need To Know
People Come Close
I'll Take Off Off My Coat
You Can Stay Warm In All Of Theese Clothes
I'm Fine Being Naked
I'm Just A Ghost
Now Back To Control
Who Ever Is Turning The Stove
Heating Our Road
Beating Our Dome
Destrying Our Homes
Medussa Our Bones
Well Its Happening
Thats  All To Believe
You & Me
How To Be Free
How Did We Meet
I Am So Glad
Sad When You Leave
I Sit At A Mourge
Adoring The Leafs
Where Is The Woman I See In My Dreams
Do You See Me To
I Hear When You Scream
Shoulder They Brake
Ache When I Reach
I See Us On Islands
For Life Just Not Weeks
Sexing ******* Shrooms
Passion Fruit Tea
Twin Soul Flame
Where Are You At
Friends Keeping Stabbing My Back
There's So Many Tears
Scared There's No Room To Grab
These Shreaded Wings
But There Will Be Cos Even If I Go To Smoke Before Your In My Coat When I Sing I Know You Will Feel Me
I Am The Strongest Soul Ever Nobody Can **** Me
I Been Dreaming For You
Working On My Mind
Doing All I Can Do
As Soon As Your In My Arms
Your Calling Is
True
We Are The Truth
You Are Beautiful It Makes Me Blue

write letters adressing the closest people in your life
feel bad that you cant write them all letters
try to reassure them that it wasnt anyones fault
that it was bound to happen sooner or later
say sorry over and over again
tell them not to throw you a funeral
to donate your body
clean your room
and everything else you can
make sure there isnt any loose ends
give away your stuff
theyll need it more than you
hang out with them one last time
then
lock your door
lock everything and everyone out
you cry but you know you must do this
take the pills
every last one
no matter how much you gag, they all must go
turn off your light
turn off your phone
and go to bed
one
last
time