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You say not "right now,"

But I know that means forever.

Loving you like this,

Will probably never get better.
Everything right now just *****. There's way too many gaps, too many fragmented thoughts and feelings that just haven't faded. He owns me.. I want him so bad.
Hi. Hey. What's up, how's it going?
Not much, nothing really, *** it's snowing!
You're so cute, we should meet soon.
Where? What time? I have a meet at noon.
I'll pick you up, I'll be there to cheer you on.
At my school, after my parents are gone.
I can't wait to see you, *** you're cute!
I have to sleep, be up early, phone on mute.

Hi. Hey. What are you doing?
Not much, laying down, just chilling.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Um... I don't know what to say.
It's okay, takes time, sooner or later.
You sure? You know I'm a fierce debater.
***, I love you, you're super funny.
Thank you, let's go, it's kind of sunny.

Hi. Hey. I have something to tell you.
What is it? You okay? Got the flu?
No, last night, I'm sorry I told you a lie.
It's okay, I don't understand, tell me why?
I don't know, it felt right. By the way there's this guy.
It's okay, but this is a break, you didn't have a to tell a lie.
I miss you, please! I'm so sorry...
It's raining, I cant .. Do you hear your story?

Hi.
Hi. Hey. How was your day?
Good.
Wanna come over? I'm bored.
Busy.
Oh, well, I have something to tell you!
What?
I love you, I love you, I love you!

Oh...
Oh.
Just thoughts. Breaking up ***** dude.
I tend to get stares... Looks... The occasional "are you gay?" With a quizzical look of disgust.
Well, to answer your question, no, I am not gay.
In a society built around judgment and stilted above common sense,
Being gay would mean that I'd have to find women utterly disgusting, flick my wrists, speak with funny and awkward inflections, right?
Do you think I speak with funny and awkward inflections?
Good! Because I'm so not gay.
Being gay would mean that I love to shop, well I hate it!
My fashion sense does not exceed that of a box of colorful crayola crayons melting away in the blistering Las Vegas sun because you see, I don't live in San Francisco, or New York,
or anywhere "gay" people live.
I am not gay.
Being gay would mean that I am immoral but I can assure you, moralistically speaking, that morals are what keep me routinely from listening to Lady Gaga, who I've heard, despite her catholic upbringing, is a devout devil worshiper and I sure as hell don't worship Satan!
Oh no, I am not gay.
My father once told me, in his manliest tone that if I ever became sweet
or my tank profusely filled with sugar
that he'd disown me and rid me of his home.
However last time I checked,
I don't have a tank
and one lick of my tanned brown skin would reveal that I am in fact quite salty!
Salty, as defined by Urban Dictionary, means to be ******.
Bitter. Angry.
Well father, there aint nothing sweet about my wrath.
I'm infuriated.
I'm angry not because I'm not able to fulfill the holistic criterion society has built in order to be gay,
No, I am more upset that there is actually a set of rules dictating whether or not someone is gay.
Now listen to me when I tell you,
I am not gay
I am not gay because I have yet to inject myself of substances with an unsterile needle for all purposes of getting high.
No, I have yet to discover my last ****** partner was diagnosed with *** and that I may very well have the virus.
No, I have yet to interiorly decorate my bedroom with the warm crimson fluid that is my blood because some punk at school thought it was cute to label me a queer.
I have yet to be gay because being gay in today's society means I am reckless. I am promiscuous. I am a *******.
Well, guess what society,
I am not gay.
I am, in fact, a man, who is not your personal show dog for your fashion approval that you can tote around in some cute Gucci bag.
I am a man, who can still appreciate the beautiful magnificence that is a curve when he sees one no matter the person's gender.
I am a man who, despite what you may be expecting,
is a man who, no matter how hard you try to box me in a confined image,
is a man who, will fight to freely be in love with who he wants to be in love with,
who is a man who is not gay
but a man who loves men.
I am not gay.
..
Totally gay.
I had a dream last night. You were in it.
I can't remember exactly what happened
or what we did. All I can remember
is that we were happy. Together.
You and me. But when, I woke
up, I knew that this dream
I just dreamt was only
the first of many
Nightmares
I've never dreamt about us, but last night I did.
I picked up love once,
It, stranded on the pavement, wilting in the heat,
One arm stretched to the soil,
The other at me.
I bent over and cradled love in my hands.
It's frail and delicate thorns
Broke  under the light pressure of my palm,
It's paper-thin petals shattered into broken and dismembered sorrows.  

Although secure it seemed to long for something else.
It twisted and turned,
became restless in my safety.
It thrashed and shook, it convulsed,
And wept silent open wounds.  
It began to decay, burning what was important on the inside into embers of ignored pain.

From beauty to remarkable,
from remarkable to beauty again.
And from beauty the tragic of love was gone.


I picked up love once.
And when I put it down, only ashes remained.
Makes no sense

— The End —