I don't really want to die, I don't think
I like chocolate too much
To never taste it on my lips again, to never again watch someone smile,
Never again to feel my vocal cords rub against each other as I sing-
I don't know if I could really do away with those things.
I almost can't stand the thought of you and sis crying alone together in black, after all the time I've spent holding you two up when dad died,
But then I remember.
If I'm dead, it isn't going to matter to me. I won't have to care about you.
I won't feel a thing.
Only the living have to regret the dead.
People always tell me that life is worth it, but is it really? A bubble in the middle of nowhere where people shoot each other and kiss each other, and despite how grand it feels, it never means anything.
I'm pointlessly running step after step on a timeline to nothing. My legs are burning, my lungs are crying, so why shouldn't I just stop?
And god, it is tempting.
You know the moment when someone's grandma's irreplaceable glass vase first hits the ground?
It leaves you wincing, almost as if every crack that splinters its surface is being carved across your skin,
as if every tinkling shard can make your teeth chatter?
That is what I feel inside, every day. There is no word for it other than broken. My soul is shattered.
Never feel that again, never have to chase all those thoughts.
All those thoughts, I wish I could forget them.
Apparently, I hate myself? And I'm cruel to myself? I'd always just thought that this is what it was to be human.
To control every aspect of yourself- how you speak, how you sneeze, how you smile-
To have an average grade make you feel like a failure, because you could have put more in, and you're a worthless procrastinator, how dare you take a few minutes to write a poem when you have the tasks of others to attend to?
I believe with every bit of myself that other people matter more than me, but you can't live like that.
It's not that I want to hurt you, mom, sis, it's that I'm finally going to do something for myself instead.
I've enjoyed it while it lasted, but I think I'm done. I need to tap out, cancel my subscription. There's nothing left I want from life that death doesn't promise louder.
And then I remember chocolate and change my mind.
Not actually a suicide note, because I'm not actually going to do that. Just had some things I wanted to get out.