I knew that you didn’t love me back,
that didn’t stop the pain that came with the words,
“I’ve never thought of you that way.”
I cared for you,
you cared for yourself.
I was never good enough to be loved unconditionally,
never good enough to be your first choice.
You were the rain,
creating my river of tears.
Not one conversation ended happily,
yet you remained a bolder in my path that I refused to move.
I locked myself in a cage with your name on it to impress you,
you didn’t even notice.
Flirting and leading me on was a game,
a punishment,
in your words “just a joke,”
In mine,
the final straw that pushed me into my suicidal hole.
And, I still loved you.

My closest friend,
You convinced me you were the only one good enough.
I thought I was in control,
but it was really you all along.

You coached me through my 200 calorie days,
Only celery and diet coke you’d say.
And oh the praise that came with it.
“You look great tell me your secret!” they’d say.
My secret you ask?
Behind that bright smile,
was months of starving.
The bathroom had become my resting place.

I was never enough for you,
was I?
The protruding ribs,
the heart failure,
the unreadable blood pressure,
the bulged spine.
It was never going to be enough.

So when I hear “I wish I could get it too,”
I think of the constant struggle,
It never stops.
Calories are now ingrained in my brain,
as easy as my ABCs.

Goodbye Ana,
all I ever wanted was to be loved.