cause I don’t wanna get better
get better and what?
throw away all my hard work?
i knew what I was doing when I picked up that bottle,
and I’m scared to put it back down.
scared the memories will come flooding back,
scared it’ll hurt all over again.
maybe I’m not meant to get better.
when they ask me where I see myself in 10 years I laugh,
laugh through the finality of my suicidality.
my world is on fire and I have no desire to put it out.
I’m stuck in this ****** brain.
Maybe expectations are too high,
maybe my mind is tricking me once again,
but I can’t help but feel stuck,
stuck at a broken red light.
I want the kind of love that believes in me,
the kind of love that supports me
the kind of love that stands by my side.
Your love is waning,
pushing me to the sidelines,
discarding me as worthless.
I know that I am broken,
but I deserve much more than this,
I cannot love you into loving me.
I knew I loved you before you knew my name,
I knew I loved you when you made fun of me for shaking your hand,
I knew I loved you when my mouth felt cold without yours,
I knew I loved you when I thought about you more than drugs,
loving the right person at the wrong time is an injustice I’ll never forgive the universe for.
more than lonely
none of the *******-Stephanie- left-me-on-read-alone
the i haven’t felt touch in 2 weeks alone
the not even my abusive ex wants me alone
the drugs feel like a warm hug alone
the i forgot the smell of my mother’s perfume alone.
Like watching a movie,
Perfectly intertwined hearts.
Clinging to you,
Begging you not to leave,
Abandon me like the others,
Is this what love looks like?
I’m in pieces on the kitchen floor.
My heart gushing like my wrist,
I guess forever meant something different to you.
I don't know what love looks like
tired of trying to fit into a world,
that doesn’t seem to want me in it.
I promise you I’m trying.
Yet, everyday when I wake up it seems to get harder and harder.
My body is giving up,
It was slow at first and now it’s all at once,
like drizzling that is now a hurricane.
My lungs refuse to breathe,
Arms refuse to reach for the bottles that supposedly keep me sane,
Heart refuses to accept love,
I’ve been trying to heal on my own,
trying to heal from the night you forced yourself into me.
The night I turned on myself,
lost who I was.
My body, a foreign and distant being.
She wasn’t mine anymore, you had ripped her from my grasp,
refusing to let go.
As much as I try, I’ll never have her fully back.