My sweet baby. I prayed for you.
From the moment I could write I always wanted a girl.

The letters I would write started with;

Dear Gabby,

It’s Oct 15 and im peeing on a stick. It’s really as a joke but the longer the clock ticks to the end of the three minutes the thicker the second line gets.

Dear Gabby,

My beautiful baby girl. I found out your gender today. It’s what I’ve always prayed for. A mini me. I know it’s early but I’ve already picked out your middle name. Grace.

Dear Gabbi,

I’ve decided to spell your name gabbi. It means God is my strength in Hebrew. I’ve had so much morning sickness lately and all I want is hot Cheetos and sprite! I can’t wait to meet you baby.

Dear Gabbi,

I’ve always wanted you for so long but baby how can I protect you from him if I can’t even protect myself.

Dear gabbi,

Don’t worry sweetie mommy will figure it out. I’ve been taking pictures because I swear my stomach is already showing. My dad (your grandfather) is going to help us out.

Gabbi,

It’s Dec 21 and I’ve felt my first flutter kicks in the car. It’s almost as if you knew. I am so sorry baby. Mommy just couldn’t bring you into a world where evil was tied to you. I hate myself more than anything.

To my daughter I never knew,

It’s been a year since I found out I was going to be a mom. A year of mourning what could’ve been. Life has been lonely ever since you left and I dream of your face everyday. The evil is gone but he took part of my soul and you along with him. My sweet baby. The one I prayed for.

To my daughter I never knew.

I am

I am 5 yrs old making memories of waves crashing over my head and wondering why does mommy cry so much

why is mommy mean

I am 10 yrs old with my bestfriend in the whole wide world and hoping my dad will be outside to pick me up from school

why is daddy gone

I am 15 yrs old waiting for my crush to ask me to homecoming and realizing I’ll be a better parent than mine were

why couldn’t they make me normal

I am 21 years old dealing with the trauma from a man who hurt me to hurt himself and mourning a daughter I never knew

why will no one love me

I am 23 years old knowing why mommy cry’s and was mean, why daddy never was outside and was gone, why I thought I’d be a better parent and wasn’t normal, why I was mourning a stranger and no one would love me.

I am

i use the knife he got me for everything.
it lays in my bed in place of him when he’s gone.
i twirl it for him through the phone
i pose with it in the pictures he begs me for
i use the knife he got me for everything.

even as he drifts away I use the knife he got me for everything.
i look at as the moonlight hits it like a flash picture in the night.
i use it to practice different knife tricks so he’ll think I’m cool
i use the knife he got me for everything.

i use the knife he got me for everything now that he’s gone.
i hear it calling my name as a command in place of him calling my name with love
it cresses my body with prickly kisses where his lips used to trail.
it spills out crimson in place of the tears he caused when he left
it stays in the hand he used to hold when my body goes numb and cold.

I used the knife he got me for everything.

Me thinking that you actually loved me...

I feel alone
         forgotten
         abused
         unwanted
         unloved
maybe I should have never said anything
if i said i wanted you back would you say yes?
or is it too late
or maybe i just don't wanna be alone
           do you?
have you moved on?
i want the best for you
even though you never wished me the same
why can't what we had stay between us?
why was i so greedy for love?
for someone to love me?
be there for me?
i just wanna forget everything and disappear
because in the end
i will always be alone
                          forgotten
                          abused
                          unwanted
                          unloved