I’m still just as ****** up just a lot more numb now.

**** this life.

The saying goes "You are your own worst enemy."
Well my mind is the ******* ****** from "SAW."
It's trapped me within the confines of its own walls,
And everyday it teases me to get out.
The cynical little ***** knows **** well that I can't.
So she has me peel my skin off strip by strip until my nerves are exposed.
Daily I sit raw, in pain, and ready to end it all.
Salt is her favorite especially on the old wounds.
She pours it on thick and when I scream she proceeds to rub it deep in.
There are no "let ups" or "breaks."
Even in the attempt of dreams she is there.
Restless nights, restless days.
Endless torture.
How many times have I imagined putting a bullet through my head,
Or a knife through my heart?
She teases me with escapes.
Allowing me to imagine.
She quickly snatches it away with knowing I'll never be able to  do it.
She's evil.
She has made it so I can't look at my own reflection.
She has distorted me.
She has destroyed me.
She has so deeply confused me.
Unhinged from birth, she makes me feel as if sometimes I'm going to explode.
I literally feel like my brain will explode.
It's her gift.
She makes me wish it would happen,
But she is too cynical for a quick ending.
She likes to pull it out.
Elongate it.
She feeds off of the pain and sufferring.
She would rather I sit here and saw off my foot with a rusted butter knife for nothing at all.
No easy way outs.
She's a crazy ***** that I have no control over.
She destroys me everyday.
Why do I destroy me everyday?

What the actual **** is happening?
I have no idea.
Play it cool.
Roll with it.
What?

I need something good please.

Dear you,

Hi it's me the idiot girl who fell in love with you.

As much as I don't like admitting this, I can no longer refuse to call it to the surface after 6 long years of mentally denying it.
I wish I hadn't; fallen in love with you that is.
I thought after what happened I could easily cut you out and try to forget, but I say this honestly now, that never really happened in my heart.
You don't have to worry though as much as my heart breaks and hurts I won't confess to you.
I will continue to play the role of "friend" and pick up my pieces after.
I will keep it locked inside me and one day, hopefully, I won't be the idiot girl anymore.
I will have let go and moved on.
But I'm not her now; as much as I would like.
Cause here I am still in love with you.
The memories I have of us are joyous but laced in pain.
When I delve into them it's like I willingly place my heart into the fire...... I can't help it.
Sometimes I wonder was any of it ever real?
You made me question my value.
Even to this day I shy away from intimacy and others that may try to get to know me.
And you know why?
Because it's your face I see, it's the way YOU make me feel that I feel.
They can't compare.
Then I wonder will I be like this forever?
Even when you lied to me, even when you began walking away, I still loved you, I still love you.
Sometimes it's hard to look at your face.
As we have begun to be friends again, I find myself holding back.
Reminding myself not to go back there again.
As much as I still love you, I know that it is just as much you still don't love me.
I have been asking God lately to help me when it comes to you.
I pray that He would change THE WAY I love you.
I have asked Him to help me see you as a brother, but He made me realize that first I must be willing to give up all the feelings I have for you now.  
My grip is a lot stronger than I thought so it is going to take some time.
There are moments I physically remove myself from you so I can be firmly planted on the ground again.
Believe me when I say I am trying.
I don't want you to be constantly worried if I will like you again, although I have admitted to loving you this isn't what you have to watch out for.
This is a me thing.
This is a path I have to walk and funnily enough I have to walk it alone.
You can't fix it, you can't prevent it.
Only I can.
So I will continue to love you at a distance until my grip loosens and my love is able to change.
You don't need to worry, I've got this.
Continue being you and I will continue being me.
Eventually the knots will untangle and we will both be set free.

Sincerely,
The idiot girl in love with you.

A hand wrapped around your throat.
Every once in a while squeezing a little harder.
To remind you of the control it has over your happiness..
Playing mind games from time to time,
Letting you experience the taste of joy. Only the very next second to be flung back into the pit you could have sworn you were almost out of.
Light is an illusion.
The hope you once had everytime you saw it dwindles.
You eventually find yourself turning your back on it.
You don't stretch out your hand anymore.
You don't try anymore.
You don't believe anymore.
Who you were, who you could have been is slowly swallowed by the darkness.
Color is no more.
Life is no more.
Never knowing what you did to deserve it.
Only knowing that you do.....
Deserve it that is........
I don't ask questions anymore.
"Why" is a repeated pointless word with no answer.
So I made up my own.
"There is no why. It is only what it is, it is just you."
The hand squeezes until death becomes you.
Fight as you might some of us won't make it.
Blood shot eyes of my soul, I might not make it.
One simple fact,
I'm not gonna make it.