a gallon of water
and mint gum
makes me feel
more in control
than a blade ever did

math made me cry in third grade.
i hated decimals and multiplication
and sitting at a desk.
i didn't know what a calorie was.
what would my younger self say
if she saw me counting every one?
i wouldn't have the heart to tell her
that the only way to tell between
a good day and a bad one
was the numbers

and all i can feel is pride,
because hunger
gnawing at your stomach
feels like such beautiful,
validating praise.

'but for what?'

for the voices.
for the calming whispers
that sound like friends.
it's easy to ignore the hunger
when they're all you can hear.

just a little longer.
it feels safer this way, doesn't it?

today i met a woman who was kind.
and i know what you'd be thinking by now,
i know you'd ask me why that was the first thing i noticed in her,
and it wasn't the first thing i said about you.
you'd ask if that automatically meant i liked her better than you.
and i want to say right away that that's not true;
that i love you more than life itself
and i would die for you a thousand times over.
but there are some days when i grieve what we never had,
and feel bitter over what we did have.

today i met a woman who was compassionate.
she doesn't know my story, but if she did,
i have a feeling that she might be safe.
that thought is terrifying alone, because i've never met an older woman
who has felt so safe in so little time.
maybe it's the way she is so well spoken of,
and maybe it's the care in her eyes when she isn't even speaking.
i don't know what it is, but something inside me knew
that she would look at me with tenderness
where you have looked at me with resent.

today i met a woman who was wise.
i try to pretend like i can tell you the burdens of my heart,
but i think we both know that i've tried that before,
and that i never will again.
we both know that my secrets feel ashamed to be shared with you,
and i think they're scared of being called an embarrassment again.
(i know i am.)
i know things are different now, and that we've all changed.
we've all learned and grown from these past few years.
but the pain that they caused is still seeping from my every pore
and i know of no way to stop it.

i need you to know that this is not a letter of hate, or betrayal, or defeat.
this is a letter of regret. this is a letter of longing.
this is my heart bleeding with all the words i could never say to you,
because i know how you would take them.
this is my heart aching for a better relationship with you.
this is my heart trying to claw through all the past hurt and trauma
to say that i miss you, i want you, and i need you.
i have been so focused on all that you have been that i forgot about all that i wanted you to be,
and i guess that all i'm saying
is that today i met someone who reminded me of that.

a word that comes to mind

when i look at the marks

scattered below my wrist.

healed.

full stop.

there will be no more harm here.

i've been without you

for a week now

and i can't decide

how i'm feeling.

some days,

it's okay.

other days,

i'd give the world to have you back

he likes peanut butter,
good movies,
deep conversations,
and long walks in the dark.
he will be gentle with the parts of you that hurt,
and he'll need you to be gentle with him too.
he'll bring your favourite snacks
and learn how you like your coffee.
he'll make you feel safe,
and he'll need you to make him feel heard.
he'll make you laugh,
and you'll fall in love with his green eyes.
i had to let him go
but promise me
that you won't