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4/4
dania Aug 2016
4/4
when you die in your head
you only think about the things you once said
not
the things you are saying not the things you are doing
not the way you are being not the things you are seeing
it is about the old days on rewind
chapters folding unfolding refolding
always on your mind
always on your mind
but you lost it long ago
so why is there an ache where there used to be thought
why is there an ache where there is supposed to be no feeling at all
why is it light and heavy all at once
foggy light still clear enough to blind you with
and you thought you were staring at a savior
but you were staring at a thing that would prolong your longing
to go back to the old days
this time you're blind this time you're dizzier
this time you don't know any better
but you can remember that you once did.
isn't it weird to make a mistake you used to know to avoid
is it a mistake if it's intentional
is it a mistake if it's intentional
is it a mistake if it's intentional
wrote it on a tetraphobic's least favorite day
dania Sep 2017
say it like a prayer you said. hold it in your breath you said hold it like this is the only thing left to hang onto. like this is the last hope for you in life and I would never wish that onto you you said but I find myself often at this point. and I've been saved by that light I've been saved by a prayer after exhausting all the other things I begged from every one and every other. on knees and palms gathering all the things I've wished for in words in the shape of a prayer. so pray so I do, praying apologetically and it feels like repentance. but fight fire with fire. (turns out there's quite a few.) I'm gonna have to apologize and the first apology to is you. so I did, so I do. (and I'm mad with myself too) so I hold my breath in for a long time, hold it in till I turn myself all the angry shades of blue. i'm turning into him and i'm turning into you. I’ve been doing this to me and I’ve been doing this to you.  I've been depriving myself this whole time, I only have apologies here and they're bad excuses for air but who cares when I'm still gasping. I'm tight ****** and I'm loose willed. all purpose without meaning and meaning without purpose. what do you make of yourself, what do you yourself make. I'll do all the asking you say, you do all the praying, we need to pretend they're not one and the same. no absolute answers and no absolution. you want absolution and I'm sorry but we don't have anyone with us anymore. the hell is gonna give that to you? who the hell is going to hand you the knife you stabbed them with back? and say all's forgiven? I want you to know the feeling on the top of your head in the weight of your tread in the back of your throat I want you to promise me you're going to forget redemption and forget your pride and say your prayers and come back to us inside.
a letter i didn't send pt 2
dania Aug 2012
Woke up this morning with an itch to write,
To put pen to paper,
To put height to flight.

Broken words for the good mans' soul,
I write to feel happy,
I write to feel whole.

Like an anxious athlete on a trendy diet,
I weigh-in to reflect.
I weigh-in to free an internal quiet.

Similar to an artist using brushes and paints,
I draw a paradise with fire,
I draw a hell with saints.

Feelings twist my fingers and toes,
Force me to write of worries,
Force me to write about woes.

These words are like screams,
They are my pain,
They are my extremes.

To think I only write of distress is utterly depressing,
There is also beauty in the world,
There is a myriad of issues far more pressing.

Yet given the chance I would write my worries away,
Save me another hour,
Save me another day.

I would wish for an eternity of bliss,
For everlasting love,
For time's abyss.

I could write about cities,
Filled with people and cars,
Filled with ruins and pities.

I'll sew you a quilt of all my fears,
Hoping no one realizes,
Hoping no one hears.

With this quilt I'd make my bed,
Rest on it with fluttery thoughts,
Rest on it with a heavy head.

And on it I'd cuddle with the quilt,
Wish away all the bad,
Wish away all the guilt.

For I know I could write for a hundred years straight,
Still have those debts,
Still have a tarnished slate.
dania Apr 2013
D- Days go by and I keep hearing footsteps. The rhythm they make is undeniably catchy.

A- Always, always I hear the tip taps replay in my mind. A constant song amid incoherent thoughts.

N- Never have I heard anything like it. It’s new yet old, original yet familiar.

I- In-between my coffee breaks I type quickly, quicker, quickest. The sound of the keys jumping up and down passes time, ever-so-slowly.

A- And, once again, the day has ended. The song has played and bills have been paid, a day I would call complete if not had I known it will once again repeat.

Tomorrow.
Prompt:   Write a poem where each line starts with a letter from your first name (an acrostic). It can be about anything, but it should not be about you or your name.
dania Oct 2012
Today,
Did not go well.
Wasn't swell.

Today,
I cried a tear.
No cheer.

Today,
I crossed a few,
Wronged two.

Today,
I wanted to die,
No lie.

And, today,
I sat on the pavement.
Skin and bones.

I dreamed of galaxies, far far away.
Stars, whichever way you sway.

I wished I was thin enough to fly like paper,
Rise like hope.

Pale as snow,
Pure as gold.

Which direction would the breeze take me?
What have I done to make them hate me?


Maybe I'll end up in heaven,
Maybe count to fifty-seven.

I could end up at a lion's feast,
Or where the sun sets east.

I'm tired now,
But ready as ever.

I'll lay on the floor,
Never sever.

The quiet will consume me,
The silence will speak.

I will dream of you,
And oceans blue,
Forget myself,

"Adieu."
dania Jul 2017
And you think this is ironic, don't you? Or you think it's funny, or that it makes sense. And it does in a way, I'm trying to agree with you enough to say. It does make sense, but in a way that disappoints me, because to have it make sense would mean certain conditions were fulfilled. And thinking of fulfillment gets me thinking of filling and I'm filled and I'm empty all at once. And it's because I've got all these hopes and all these promises, all these leads to nowhere– and I know deep down how good the somewhere I'm heading to without you is, I know, but I really hoped there was some way to make this journey we had seem like a trip I'd want to look back on, seem like a trip I'd want to keep an album of photos from, like an album I'd hide all the concert tickets and gas station receipts from and all the hugs all the stupid hugs I got from you, I'd still feel the warmth from. But it's not like that, I guess I spent my time in nowhere, and I guess that's where I'll have to admit I stayed. And I'm somewhere else now, somewhere good, and it isn't funny, and it isn't ironic. Ironic is talking to someone who is no one to me now. Ironic is in that space that used to be filled with something else and now it's nothing else but space, space, space. I want space from the space. I want a belief to hold me in my place. You can't give me what I need, but I've been thanking God anyways for what I have, and I'm getting by just fine.
pt 1
dania Jan 2013
you have a bathtub for a bed
    hairbrush as a mic
no roof over your head
    go everywhere on your bike

wall for a friend
     stone for a sole
running water is merely Godsend
      being materialistic was never your goal

i offered you money
                          love
                            ­ companionship
but those offers fell to the floor

"i ain't no charity,"
and you were already out the door.
dania Feb 2016
every interaction there is to know, there is to have
every feeling
every color in the sand
     every triple-drip, color-trip in the spilt gasoline
coming off in a faint rainbow, coming off in spilt energy
on some days just as fly ash
on other days peeling off the moon
peeling off our walls as well
and maybe this is just as well
and maybe this is just as well
dania Nov 2016
I got a new nickname it was
Pretty Fire and I felt my cheeks burning
when you said it
So I reached out to hold your hand and realized
All of you was burning

I should've realised you didn't call me warm, or bright
I was a pretty fire
forcing the world into an unfair fight

Not an offer they had the choice to refuse
The kind of fight they'd have to lose

Playing with fire never hurts the fire

Every day I burn too
trying to tell you that's not true
When you hurt
My skin turns blue

I have to fight though
everyone. i'm sorry that it includes you

people fight fires all the time and
i need to fight them too. they hate me
i'm trying to prove to you
they hate me
and i hate me too

but none of that was ever enough to scare them away
when there's stupid firefighters trying to put people out everyday

i'm blamed anyways
i'm blamed for when i have a fit
when you ignored it
FOR SO LONG

so don't call me fire because I know now what you you were trying to say
I am a fire and I hurt everyone in my way

I was a fire and to be me I had to damage
I was a fire and it was so much baggage
I was a fire and it hurt to look at me

so you gotta go where you think you'll be free
so good, go, and leave. let me be

Cause I know what I didn't mean to be

I didn't mean to be the retrograde
To make you
turn around and meet the friend I've made
I like to call her really late
I like to call her the Me I Hate

I like to call her
I used to like to call you
Call me sometime soon
dania Dec 2019
if all i ever wrote, was a mountain of hurt
well, it would be a tall mountain indeed

i would climb it to the top, the point
and the point would tell me all along there had been a point

and at this point, where there had been a point,
i would give my hurt away. to see all there is to see
and just let it be
dania Nov 2017
I scratch the words into my skin
etching in everything about this moment
and i don't cry while doing this
because i trust it to last

he takes the pen out of my hands
this feels like a jolt of bad electricity
my circuit is broken
i have too much signal in me

he said what are you doing
stop

i say  stop
i want to remember this exactly as it is
i want to remember this forever
i'll go back to this
all the time

he says then be here
be here now
be here with me

your brain will do the rest

i said you could never understand
i could never remember this as it is
by morning
something will feel off
and the reel you think i have of this moment
will be so tangled
it no longer plays

he is getting mad
i can tell
i go back to the signal my circuitry
wants me to not break
i go back to etching

i can feel him sighing

i raise my fist i want to hit him
i roll up my sleeve as far as it goes
19 days ago i'd etched that i loved him

and so i don't
dania Aug 2019
she collects me in a room
i am thin like paper
i am too busy being sad to be hungry
i am too busy being sorry to be hungry
i am too busy being an outcast to be hungry

the more i want to feel like myself the less i feel like myself
the more i start to think this is for the best
the more i start to think there is no best
that i never really liked myself, that i was the worst for myself
that this is my body giving me what i deserved

was my body doing this to be nice to me? separating me from me? was she doing this so i didn't have to carry her weight anymore
or was this punishment, for never taking care of me
back when me felt like me
instead of a boiling core

i am thin like paper and i am crumpled like tissue
like the collection of tissues
collecting like cobwebs in a garage on the bedside table

i am spending most nights crying
some nights i rage so much i knock myself out
others i rage so much i sleep for half an hour
and spend the rest of the week
running off this anger

there are only two constants in my life at this point
I only tell one of them because I am afraid of losing both at the same time

the other senses it anyway
my mother friend my big sister friend my protector friend
she saved me once from dying and she was here again to stop me again

let's put up a fight (like we always do, she noted)

I am tired I remark. I am tired, and heavy, I am lightheaded, I don't eat anymore, stop feeding me, where's your Advil
Where's your Advil?
You're out? You're out?

This is your fifth one in two hours you need to slow down

Don't tell me to slow down

My life is depending on bursts of energy and motivation to get through it and I am so terrified of the slowness and the aloneness and the being engulfed in myself and I need a stupid Advil because food is the last thing on my mind today

Okay


Get in the car
dania Sep 2016
she said the irony in tracing back the roots is
in going back
you set yourself further from where you want to be.
dania Jul 2018
i looked into you
familiar now, your glowing face, now that we've spent 35 summer days in each other's space
if i left now, every part of me would contain a trace
and no red flags i see
i say this
as hard as i believed

i confess i am still learning
every day about the nuances
what you like to do, what you don't like to do, what you used to like to do
but don't like to do anymore

and how i can be one of those things that you like to do
as hard as i believe
dania Apr 2016
back when i could write like that i remember i could stand my voice sometimes for as long as you would stay

and it made me feel better that somehow i was getting two in one. that i was convincing you and myself. and it was so nice to have that feeling stay for as long as it did
dania Jan 2016
I know you write at night, say you'll have time to wither in the morning. funny how you fight yourself when all your body wants is rest and surrender.
Is it really a battle when both sides come from the same?

How crazy that your body just wants you to be okay and you can’t even bring yourself to listen. How crazy that I tried so hard to be your pillow and you wouldn’t lay down next to me.

and how many mornings did I watch you sleep through?

how many nights did you spend in the dark cracking knuckles and biting the wood off pencils?

how many times do i have to give in to you before you let me in?
how many times do i write about you only to write about him?

how many times does the subject change from one to the other and i’ll argue with you about him when we’re looking at one another?

how many times will it hurt before it all feels the same? how many times will this stop feeling like new burn and pain?
oh my god i hate that i wrote this
it's not even a poem
dania Jun 2012
There is beauty in you.
In your rhythmic movements,
In your soft chanting,
The way your eyes glow brightly,
And the way your grasp tightens around me.

There is beauty in you.
In your wild, unstoppable dreams,
In your hunger for adventure,
The way you act on impulse,
The way you follow your heart.

There is beauty in you,
In your timid smile,
In your careful gaze,
The way you stay true to yourself,
The way you manage to pull through,

You began to realize,
There is definitely beauty in you.
dania Dec 2016
full disclosure:
1) i don't know whether coincidences are real or not.

2) bad timing, i badly want to call it that.
ultimately it comes down to not really knowing whether it is or it isn't and what this is... is really just a whole series of what-ifs no one ever prepared me to answer. the truth is that i don't know if i'd have only figured out what was going on later or if it was going to happen this year no matter what i did. but i tried my best, i hope every version of me in the future believes the person writing this right now that i did what i thought i could to stop what i felt was about to happen, happening. i had a weird feeling this entire year about what was happening to me. i know i saw it coming. anyways i should be sorry and, i'm not going to lie, i am, even though sometimes i am reminded by good people that it isn't my fault. that might be true. but i am still sorry. even my dream me gives me **** for it.

3) this is the most ironic thing to happen so far, but i think i say that every year. at least i do, in my head. i kept saying what's gone is gone and what's going, should. but i won't pull it back or push it to go like i used to. what's happening is happening, mantra or no mantra, i am not reducible.

4) i've been weak and i've been strong, left and right and wrong. and let me be honest that this year has been fire in my veins and let me be truthful that i had people beneath me to put out some flames. i realize somehow that this isn't the worst river i've drowned or will ever drown in and that isn't even close to being the hottest hell i've escaped from. it is tiring to think it could be worse and terrifying to think it could be better before i see the thermostat turning itself up again. before all that i love burns again.

5) conflict. they teach you about it in literature. there's different types and somehow i've made myself familiar with them all. some people egg me on, they like that i'm a fighter and they think i can fight bad things away for them. someone told me that i was their guardian moon and i got so high off the idea that i could be something like that for someone one day. and to be told that i already was sent me onto that higher plane. i know i'm not holy or divine but i can do something like that and i know God would call it worship.

6) sooner or later people piece together that a fighter's struggle goes both ways, that someone like me could turn on them at any moment. that sounds very spontaneous and unplanned and i don't want to deny that i am. yes i am unplanned but i swear also that i am always on standby. and i can feel the explosions going off inside me a million times over, but i am helpless to stopping it. and before i know it i am set off and before i know it people are hurt. i wish i could warn people i was about to blow up. but i also wish people could warn me they plan to push me to.

7) i can't help but serve the worst part of me the best part of me. does that make sense? you get what i'm saying? the worst part of me literally feeds on the best part of me. and guess what. the best part of me is a faulted one! she is BLIND, she is LIGHT and she is straight up DELUDED. she gives herself way too much credit. she told me she could save all of us but she's wrong. don't take her word for anything. she'd have you believe the sun is out in the dead of the night.
dania Dec 2013
Your shoulders, sturdy,
hold me, heavy,
I am groggy but awake.

Push at a rock and hope it will move.
You reap what you sow but I did not
plan for your barren lands,
I hadn't thought of the desert,
I have not been able to dream, I have yet to fall asleep.
Watch me fall into the abyss of my own unconscious,  salvaging dollops of conversations we have not had.

Look at you ramble... uneasy, too afraid to let
a comfortable silence sit between us, too insecure
to share anything but emptiness disguised as words.

I did not believe in the power of company,
and their influence.

Now all I can do is stare inertly at the fallow lands of my nightmares
Only to awake, heaving, still heavy, gesticulating wildly,
reaching for familiarity.

I hate this obstinate reality.

We are friends by habit not love.
dania Jan 2013
lazy sunday
       hazy monday
          you found me on the street

dizzy tuesday
     frizzy wednesday
          you took me for a treat

flurry thursday
      blurry friday
          you threw me into the cold

saturday, saturday
     when did i get so old?
dania Jul 2012
A happy ending,
existent only in our minds?
Or is it possible that one day,
one refreshingly glorious day,
it can join our world of memories,
and stand alongside our courage.
Squeezed in-between faith and hope,
only to simply wave farewell to our troubles?
Can one swish of a broom,
or a sharing of a smile,
the stroke of a brush,
the birth of a child,
end it all?
Will fireworks erupt,
is a crowd going to cheer?
Will we know when?
Will we know how?
Are the birds going to sing?
Celebrate with chirps and tweets?
Will we all learn to get along?
To co-exist and to belong?
Will this victory last?
Or will it crumble?
Can we blame anyone for cupidity?
Or is it just plain stupidity?
Sometimes it all seems like a game,
with a pause button and a controller included.
Other days, the pain is more vibrant than ever,
radiating and penetrating through your body,
physically, emotionally, mentally.
Our grief and loss on some days seems to tip the scale,
outweighing love and belonging significantly.
“Why us?” I hear them say,
Sometimes, there is no answer.
Scarred women, defeated men, and fretful children cannot bear to speak.
On those days, the breeze is left to answer the question that tints the air.
Some days, especially just after a demolition, the question seems to pull a trigger,
and cries and moans and sighs accompany the summer breeze.
But on the really bad days, there is more than that,
there are shouts and yells, insults and threats, slowly starting then spreading like wildfire.
There is no mercy on those days, only thoughts of revenge circle the air.
But one day,
perhaps one day,
someone will break the silence,
and answer the question,
perhaps they will say: “Because we are strong, we can get over this”,
or they will quote an inspirational person,
and then we will all applaud,
and our worries will leave us,
will carry themselves across the sea.
Can our dreams just be fragments of our imagination?
Pointless thoughts?
An abomination?
Sometimes,
just after a bomb goes off,
or perhaps when a cousin or two is killed,
I will lose hope,
my mind left astray.
“But you’re alive… you’ve been spared…” a wise voice inside me whispers,
but it’s too late because now anger replaces loss of hope,
and it surfaces to my skin.
The taste of defeat is almost palpable.
On those days,
I feel great loneliness.
I mourn and grieve,
and so does the rest,
but they don’t offer sympathy,
no condolences or warm-hearted wishes.
On those days, you can stare them right in the eye,
And you can tell.
Their eyes,
they’ve lost their depth.
Their life, they’ve lost it.
There is nothing left.
Nothing at all.
So you decide that they’re dead.
These people are the living dead.
And you think, why not just **** themselves now and save the pain later?
On those days,
Your focus isn’t right, and you’ll sometimes say things aloud,
and their eyes, for just a moment
they’ll seem to bounce with joy,
as if you’ve granted them a wish or something,
as if they’d never considered there ever being an escape.
And so they do.
Look what you’ve done now, stupid. Look at them! JUST LOOK AT THEM NOW!
But you fight the urge to follow their paths,
and you stare at them for a long time.
And then something catches your attention,
a spark,
and you notice their eyes.
And it seems they’d been alive this whole time.
They’ve just been to cowardly to show it.
And, the people, a second or two before their last breath,
They’ll regret it,
They’ll see that life truly is a blessing,
it is joyous, it is happy.
It might not be perfect, but it’s something.
Something to work on, something to do.
It’s better than just turning and tossing in a grave, at least.
written sometime between 2010 and 2011
most likely triggered by the Arab Spring and/or Palestine
dania Jan 2013
society in the form of TV
telling me
what to buy
what to get
what to have

society in the form of magazines
telling me
what to look like
what to appear as
what to resemble

society in the form of movies
telling me
how i should act
how i should behave
how i should respond

society in the form of school
telling me
how to learn
how to understand
how to comprehend

society in the form of books
telling me
how to feel
how to relate
how to think

society in the form of society
telling me how to live
dania Jul 2016
let me guess we weren't the first
to sneak out here on our own
to "break the ice"
by raising skin to skin
and bone to bone

to tell all your good friends to leave us alone
when you know i'll tell you to leave me alone

god i always liked the flow that went
getting another life to swallow
without needing to pay rent

just another person to know we were just
other people to know

before figuring whether you were
the person to tell me when to come
or the one to tell me when to go

how do we know we know?
when i only try by saying
i'll try to know

but we look towards each other and
invite the other
to come and be the latest reach
for me to refer in relativity
all true all emotion
leech

and if we could just choose the things that run forever
then let it be the golden feeling i found
in the absence of sound

in the absence of speech

if skin was touch and touch was reach
and reach was sin and sin was breach

and if we pretend preach
could and would make it all better

then were you back here
when you finally got it together
put it all together

and when she tried to ask you to come back
why did you go ahead and get her
dania Mar 2013
you pulled the cork
   like an open faucet
      my feelings poked through
          and poured out

you pulled the door
     like a misplaced barracade
        no thoughts came in
            and none out

you pulled the wedge
      and like a balloon
           my reason whizzed
               around the room

you pulled the trigger
   so swift and at ease


      my heart took the shots
          my head took the wounds
not exactly proud of this piece; but had to let it out
dania Mar 2016
now i look at everything like it's you
but everything looks back at me and
it's screaming me me me
and i was so deluded to think i could escape myself through another person
dania Jul 2016
she's here, light. came to pick me up in
gliding synchrony, follow me into melody
     sinking symphony of dangerous dreams and i'm done here after
     i confess that i went into dark rooms looking for her light

here, light. i wish i was holding her in my arms
cause this emotional toll is gonna break the bank
all the redemption come to speak
as world turned black to straining bleak

all i see is    an angel without wings
holding me   closer than ever before    
saying i'm sorry i     don't want you to feel this anymore
and it makes me cry harder
cause she's whispering vows to me under her breath
promising nothing like this is ever going to take me away
   but it will

and even then, my fall doesn't come from being let go

here. holds you closer  still
     till you know the colors
in the colors of her eyes

she brushes my hair from my face and says
          everything about you is just so soft
but times are tough for the dreamers
     and nothing can be replaced

twelve years of this. i said twelve years of this
why were you here all along
    don't you remember how it was before
don't you remember when it started
      she said i'm so sorry
i'm so sorry

                 i love her, i love her
but why is she still here
and who sent her to be my angel?
      the best friend that would spin herself into the same oblivion
just to sit against the wall with me    heavy, sunken all confused
she asked me if i was crying i said i've been dying
to prove to you that i'm trying

just trying to fill my lungs with enough air to ask her
why she still loves me    when i'm like this

but she knows i won't say
    cause i was part of the night and she was part of the day
and even though she owed me nothing  beyond what she's said and done
she still held me and
told me: baby bell i know from time to time    
  i'll hear your chime

and your crying doesn't annoy me. and you whisper cause you're delicate
and you are sensitive to the world. i can hear how deep you breathe. you are alive.
      don't tell me you're dead. don't tell me you can't feel it anymore. when it's too quiet i still hear it
when it's too quiet i still feel you being sad
        and i don't care.
i don't care if you're loud. always.
i don't care. even if you were
            just a bell tolling at 3am or 5.
even if you were. even as you are. always.
i am proud.
you are mine and you are safe and for everything you're sorry for,
     i'm not.
dania Feb 2018
everything is different
sad
nothing is where i left it
the corners of my head feel rummaged
the drawers containing all
the things i used to reminisce about
emptied


nothing is where i planted it
my old thoughts, where are they now?
my old feelings?
where did they go?
i've come to reap what i used to sow

i meet her eyes glaring in moonlight glow
if my life was a broken car i knew her to be its tow

savior status, writer hiatus

i hear her tongue click
before
she chucks me a brick
right through the windows of my old house

the windows shatter
the voice in me begins to scatter

she swears to me then that my old thoughts were weeds in my head
so we ripped them all out for you
she said

we ripped them all

out
for you


i almost had nothing to say. i could not defend the person i used to be. i could not defend her because she stole her from me so stealthily i hardly remember her. she was suffocated in herself but at least she felt somewhat an iota of self. and today i am her ghost town.

today i am drifting in the empty drawers, today i am drifting in the windowless house, today i am making no sense, today i am making cents, today i am who i am.

i trust her enough to keep going. so i do
dania Jan 2013
what precious secrets
your eyes reveal

what luscious words
your teeth conceal

i am sorry
for reaching out

hugging your wrist
to my chest

i was checking
for a pulse

and for a minute
there was nothing i hated more in this world
than you

i think
for a moment
you understood
the fear

in the corner of my eye
as i dashed past the old mill
i saw you break down
on your knees

and i still ran.
dania Jul 2012
Jumping nerves and tingling senses,
Uncontrollable thoughts within restricted fences,
Shaking palms and prickly toes,
Troubling times and shameful woes.

A stranger quick to lend a hand,
Like a rope or ladder in quick sand,
A sudden weight in a heavy sack,
You carry on your shoulders as you try to pay back.

Days under the hot sun with helmets and axes,
Logging the days to try to pay your taxes,
A soft whistle blown to end the day,
You sit in the corner and quietly pray.

A final deposit of one-eighty-seven,
A rushed cheque dated March 11,
A sigh of relief and maybe more,
The fulfilled hopes of no longer being poor.
dania Feb 2018
before the hinges of the doors that I built
    to block naught else but
     all else
loosened

i thought of sturdiness and i felt its bliss
but weren't, they weren't, weren't, they weren't

in the come of a whisper
arrived in darkness, no wind to tell the direction
a good sound carrier to me
or a benevolent earsore

come sound warn to watch
as door hinge slid in and gave all out
and all  panic   that  what thought let subside
except  a foreign trust
well hold this foreign trust I have no familiar trust
let defense begin  let offense ******


but sustenance and fragile beginning
soft creak creep
like novice
chimney sweep
as dulled threat lay awaiting
in alternate entry
in wind rolling
in snow freezing
but staying all the same
dania Feb 2022
i run to you
finding you fallen like a feather
lost from my softest pillow
an object of comfort, when i most needed most to have my arms around something
around anything, to hold me still, to anchor me to this sea of an earth, this oxymoronic existence filled with nothingness and everything all the same.
when my arms sunk into it i felt a connectedness that kept me from floating away

i say this to try and get at what you used to provide me with
it was no easy feat, grounding someone who had their hands perpetually in the sky, always grasping for something beyond and out of reach

but now that i look down, i see you are a fragment of your old self
barely a full sentence, physically but a feather, light enough you could float on air, light enough you could be here and barely be there, light enough that
i can barely see you! barely feel you!
when you are your most bare self you are barely even there.
it makes me wonder how many layers you wore. if being you without the role of comforting me rendered you imperceptible.

i used to love you when you were tangible

but i lost because you are frangible... diffrangible...
diffracted into so many waves

i could find you. i could see you. as one ocean. but you need to have got yourself together. otherwise you are fractions of yourself

because i refuse to love a wave.
dania May 2016
here.
yes, show me here
I'll show you.
show me the crash coming now
coming fast now
God, it's coming faster now
would you look at that
would I?
can it be
it already was.
then why do you need it shown now?
why wouldn't I need it shown now? I crashed from the front
and I never saw it from the back.
I crashed in the back and never looked front.
I crashed in the side and kept it all in.
where did it begin?
you can't see? honestly?
honestly.*
in in in in in
dania Nov 2016
grab tug grab
i'm telling you over and over i have
this memorized

hey means play
applause at pause
cop means stop
dania Dec 2012
this morning you smiled at me
and
asked how i was doing

i shrugged, "i'm doing pretty good."
and
you gave me a grin

"it's been a while, hasn't it?"
and
"yeah. yeah, it has been."

there's a silence so you laugh
and
i'm relieved you broke it

"it's really not the same anymore,"
and
you sigh because it's true

this isn't how we planned things
and
this isn't what we wanted

but it's okay, we'll fix it
and
it'll be good as new

except
(not really.)
because,

i am mesmerized by your sadness
and
held prisoner by your eyes

tip-toeing around our empty conversations
and
begrudgingly avoiding the obvious truth

you always flirt, make small talk
and
it's hard keeping my distance

i wish you would quit it
and
yet i pray you don't

in my mind you're a blur
and
it's coming at me too fast

give me mercy for i'm weak
and
shaken by your every move

she and i are petty friends
and
you and i are real

let me make this nice, clear
and
simple for you to understand

i can't think of you that way
and
i never did or will

because i have my solid reasons
and
you quite clearly have your's

which is why i am asking
and
begging to know your motives

intentions

behind
what
you
do
to
me
vent poem
dania Dec 2012
hold my hand,
and pull me tight.

for i am too tired to speak;
tonight.

trip me up,
and make me laugh.

for i am too sad to cry;
tonight.

pour me a glass of juice,
and pretend it's wine.

for i am too sick to get drunk;
tonight.

sing to me a lovers' song,
and ask me to dance.

for i am out of ideas;
tonight.

bake me a cake,
and sprinkle some love.

for i am craving lots;
tonight.

make me a bracelet,
of old charms and beads.

for i am in need of luck;
tonight.

tuck me in bed,
and read me a story.

for i will be restless;
tonight.

dim the light,
and keep the door open.

for i might awake with a fright;
tonight.

open your letter,
and read it slow.

for i cannot say these words;
tonight.

Honey,
You were the One.
A savior of sorts.
I cannot thank you.
I cannot love you any more than I do.
Be brave, if not for me, for you.
Take care of yourself, as I know you will.
Signed,
Your Beloved.


promise me you won't cry,
and promise me you'll make it.

for i am dead;
tonight.
feeling inspired; triggered.
dania Dec 2016
i see you leave
before you go

i see
you
leave
before
you
go
but january is crying on my shoulder
dania May 2013
no one tells you
that the person you are
was the person you'd hate.

was the person you were,
all of a sudden the person you ain't?

they told me i'd walk far but i chose to run,
far away from the person i wouldn't become.

it might've been a dream but baby, this is fate.
i'm running so hard, and staying up so late.

no sleeping tonight because i gotta fight,
always making things worse instead of making things right.

you're just another face that puts me to rest,
don't think for a moment that you know me or what's best.
dania Mar 2016
when i felt it change it
turned over to look at me  one last time
    the stars gave out their last summer sugar light
kissed both of us sweet good night. sweet good fall.
sweet good winter. till the very next spring
hear the leaves crinkle
then here the leaves grow
in the distance
i heard the dying croon
of our favorite old moon.
dania May 2022
Years ago l swore off writing because it was getting in the way of my story. Some sort of observer's paradox where the perception broke into a dam of longer restrained introspection, and as we all know spelt a recipe for interception. When things were bad, this effect, though consciously not intended, was a welcome source of scarcely-had agency. It was a veil from reality despite its best attempts to portray simultaneous events and tame them all the same. To begin to tell the story was a matter of literary teething, foretelling a survival and endurance of the narrator that carries beyond the events themselves. However sharp those teeth, the experience came with soreness. I longed to write like a teething infant longs to chew, an instinct, a balm to the pain that is so tangible viscerally. And yet I felt stabbed by my own unsheathed pen: first when I touched my own emotional bruises with it, and then when it began to carve marks into the story itself. When writing, it felt as though I had been deployed as a spy: using all of what I know and witnessed, against myself.
dania Mar 2018
over coffee
telling this story
      i do this for myself
i write them out of my story
but telling it with all their pieces snipped out feels unedged
like a lost point
so i write them back in
capture more of what is to be said
to salvage this story, to salvage my story
they are the antagonists in this version
and i hyper-fixate on all the bad
so i end up crying in the middle of this story
and telling it does not feel that much better
when i wake up with pity cornering me against the wall
and she is not motherly, and she is not sweet
she gets me to curl into a ball and not leave my room for a week

but i tell pity off once i find my strength
and i tell rose-coloured glasses off too
to tell them both, that i am facing my reality
yes this is my reality
would you like another coffee while i tell version two?
the version where i am trying, and they are trying, and we are good in our fullest of good intentions, in our fullest of tried and true ways

not in what we did, or who we were, or how we behaved, or how we made it seem, or how it really seemed but wasn't.
dania Apr 2016
lean forward
time to learn
here is your story
here is my hand
here is our journey
faraway band
faraway land
telling a story
music playing backwards now

and he looks at me to tell me
you will know the taste of stubbornness
too much like a shape you used to trace in the sand
too much like a shape
you used to trace in the sand
dania Jun 2018
She traces her finger across my palm, her eyes not on my hands but on me. How does she know where to go?

Line by line. I read you line by line.

I have never been felt like I am felt by you.
What exactly do you call this? I ask

Discovering you, she answers. Unearthing you.

What about my fault lines?

What about your fault lines? She keeps tracing.

Are you avoiding them?

No, she says.

I am not scared of fault lines. I am not scared of a single earthquake originating from you. As long as it's yours, I am the world ready to be shaken to her core.

You're stupid for that.
I am keeping a lot from you.
You won't love me.
You will hurt. Stop unearthing.

She says she knows, on all counts. And I am not to worry, on all counts.

And like this she dismisses my concerns methodologically. And in this way I trust her.

And in this way my trust comes to a head, and I tell her something that she wouldn't have otherwise have known.

I felt you today.

I wish I could be felt by you everyday, she answers.

So I trace my hands on her face, not avoiding anything, trying intentionally to get to the fault line, trying to get an earthquake to start in her.

But nothing shakes.
dania Jan 2016
quick fire: midnight,
I call it an ember.
I pretend blackened remains
are remainders that are at peace
with the past.
dania Nov 2013
the hairdresser used the wrong dye
       your boyfriend dumped you for a guy

all you have left is shattered dreams
      camera flash blinds you with its beams

missionaries bring word of an impending doom
    your dog snuck in and broke your fave perfume

trying to grow your hair but you have split ends
        the guy you've been eyeing wants to be just friends

your favorite jeans ripped and you don't have spares
        you would ask for a friend's but nobody cares

you're late to work and you don't know why
      you got scouted to model but you were suddenly too shy

you failed the pop quiz that everybody aced
      you got mistaken for a celebrity and brutally chased

you dropped your wallet jogging around
      you found it empty a week later in the lost and found

you forgot not to and picked a scab
       your favorite uncle's stuck in rehab

your grandmother mistook you for her son
      in reality you're female, and nowhere near fifty-one

you're a penny short but the cashier won't budge
     your mother is still holding that 10-year grudge

what can you do, what can you say?
when all you have is first world problems, today.
dania Mar 2013
You are the ringing bells in my ears,
     A whispered inside-joke that no-one else hears.

You are the fleeting scent on my clothes,
     You are a daisy and a light pink rose.

You are the rising sun in LA,
      Eye-candy, for me, with each bright ray.

You are a smooth spot on a bumpy path,
    The bubbles in-between my fingers in a nice, warm bath.

You are a sour candy still classified as a sweet,
    
     I'm certain you'll be the greatest person I'll ever meet.
dania Feb 2013
driven to the brink of madness
       to the edge of insanity
            standing on the corner
                 bracing for the fall

push me dear stranger
      give me what i deserve
         you don't know what i've done
               you don't know what i've learned

come on old pal
      laugh in my face
       tell me what you've told me
          time and time again

hey little fella
      show me a smile
         i'm holding still for you
             but only for a while

oh momma oh poppa
       don't you frown
           this is so hard for me
             but i've already let you down

faux friends, faux friends
       where are you now
           you saw this coming
              no need to ask how

*i'm not dying
     i'm just going away.
a bird migrating for the winter-
        but indefinitely,
             to-stay.
my death was a plotted revenge
dania May 2016
your hands are over my face
you say
        your baby face is your saving grace.
and yours can shine. here you are. my favorite star.
asking me can you see, baby, and if you do, near or far.
near or far? doesn't matter. where i am and where you are- whether here, whether far.
whether it be whether it was
or if it will ever be again
when? i don't know whether to say now or then. now or then?
here all the spoil of the nighttime dim comes true
and all the ruin of the daylight is a form of truth too
when i plan on short notice to look at you
here you wonder strongly about the night
here you feel a bit about the day
you turn to ask me to put the lights out and tell you i'm okay
but if that was our issue, would it ever sit long enough in chairs to stain
cause here i ask heaven explain
heaven please explain
that hurt is a face that hurt is a name
and whether it was or whether it be in this case love
your hands are over my baby face
and i really cannot see
dania Jan 2014
He takes my hand, gives me
a reassuring glance that I don't
feel I need. I need him, and I have
him and I don't need this. This is a waste.
A waste because I don't see him, he is never
here. Here, right now is the desert. The desert,
because it has not rained in an eternity. An eternity,
yes. Yes, it hasn't rained a year. A year, or maybe it just
feels like a year. A year, it could have been. Could have been,
but even if it was and even if it wasn't, I still don't know why he
is wasting it. It doesn't come too much, he knows that. That it doesn't
come as quick as I need it to, as often as I feel it should, as easy as I would
like it to. To come. Come and stay for good, not like this. This, coming, going,
indefinite waiting periods. Periods of no rain and periods of no love and periods
without him and periods with him and periods where my heart beats incessantly and
periods when the rain will not stop striking the pavement-- in floods, I float all my weight
on a dwindling river I call my sweetest home. Home, away from this desert, home a place for good.
If it was that way, I promise I won't mind his holding my clammy hand.
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