As I take another drag, I realize
just how stupid these things are.
Cigarettes: toxins you can buy.
Add fire and you have a death stick.
When I was little I swore I'd never smoke.
It's stupid.
It smells.
It can **** you.
It can hurt the people close to you.
Sounds like a lot of other things people do.
We do stupid things,
we **** ourselves slowly, other times instantly,
we hurt the people closest to us.
But we keep doing these things,
warnings don't phase the narcissistic and
oblivious human species.
We voluntarily choose bad habits
that are disguised as social interactions.
So while you voluntarily throw my heart around,
wavering in your affections and intentions,
I'll stand here, voluntarily killing my lungs.
At least I'm the one doing the damage.

if you're going to call me easy
for giving all i have to give
then perhaps you don't deserve my pleasantries
i'm not quite sure where to begin.

formidable in your fleeting ways
i come crawling from beneath the sheets
of the earth's gentle waves
my lips trailing down
from your head
to your feet

and maybe this love is dead,
darling
but that's no reason to say what you have said.
scarring
my thighs and taciturn wrists
my heart goes racing after
the taste of your lips

letting go ain't so easy
for this star crossed lover
for you, it seems as simple as breathing
while i lie under covers
in your bed
in your home
on your street
on my knees
i'm running red
now, why don't you pick up the phone

it appears i've caught a cold
in those winter winds
it appears my antics have grown old
after all, i'm just a kid

what are you, where are you,
my lovely young wanderer?
i didn't mean to smother you
possessive is just part of my nature.

where you tread
alive or dead
i will follow you.

Sweat takes over my skin peeling layers of invisible masks yearning for chemical feedings. It's been days- I've been thinking slow and fragile. Bedtime has no name and it hurts. There's caution in my eyes screaming " Stay Away"! Drowning in my own body of water. "Come Clean"  he whispers.

Solace and silence. I want. ***** migraines to migrate forever. Shivers to shed as I travel back into time -not swallowing so much inside to feel OK with chemicals balancing brain beats. "Come Clean" he whispers. Flashback: I see the love of my life holding a ring on the day strange beauty died in his arms. Images creep of a little boy begging for my wake. Awake I stay.

Beginnings to a next day with no recollection. Trying to find expression in lost graphs and schedules that were once dictated by "the medicine". It made sense. Cycling back and forth through highs and lows trying to remember that God made all things. "Come clean".

In this moment I want to live only because in the next moment I'll be dead- again. I can hear the race of my heart and I want a beautiful design only because in the next moment I will come down and want nothing." Come clean".

In this moment I convince myself to skip my daily dose only because a PHD took away the nightly dose. "Come clean".

Relapse. In this moment I swallow untitled entries to close my mind from a few moments.

Risk taker and I'd risk more if you trust me with your kind heart.
I read poems this morning and wonder how anyone could be so mean.
I like what I like and know who I like nobody should worry about me.
I don't feel used, abused or the fool for seeking out who I like.
If I'm lucky and have the pleasure of getting to know you better in the real,
I would feel happy and honored and it would be what I want.
What you want is important to me so no hurry on meeting.
I'll be spending time getting to know what you care to share.
Would be my pleasure to gift you a ton of presents and sit
with you and watch your face as you open all.
It would also be nice to spend time with you in a cabin sharing
time reading the real Christmas story from the good book.
Whatever makes you happy and at ease makes me happy.
I learned something from posting all the poems about you.
If I want you to know it's about you, I must post your name.
This one is about and for you and hope to get to know you Betty Ponder.

To such a day as one like this
I begin to think my life’s a gift
Blowing softly and caressed so sweet
Every moment is a splendid treat

I may be lonesome and without a friend
But at least I breathe and am not dead
I may have little, still more than some
There is no reason I can be glum

Pain shoots through me like lightning in a tree
Still, there are others who have it worse than me
I can walk, trot, dance and sing and breathe
The hardships of others, you would scarce believe.

So breathe it all in cause this may be the last
You know how time is, it ticks rather fast

You rode an airplane horse
Like Joan of Arc and her hope
With Princess Julia and Prince Justin,
Flew away from our bleak archipelago,
Across this continent of the smooth-skinned
To meet the King, your love,
For a quest to raise again our royal family,
And brought rain to Dubai.
You have rained on Dubai;
Brought the ocean to their deserts,
Watered their artificial plants,
Glistened their rough highways,
Bathed the Arabs,
Moisturized their dry skin,
And taught them to dance in the puddles.
You have rained on Dubai,
And took with you my Philippine sun.
Now I sit here in my desk;
A withered bud in the Land of the Orient Pearl,
Staring at this snow globe you left
With glitter orbiting the Burj Al Arab,
Watching over you from this crystal ball,
Waiting for you to leave the Gulf States,
And bring the rain back here.

If your job is becoming less than a passion and more like a wrecked marriage.
You get up, you take a very deep breath and run.
Run like you're fighting your life, run till it's no longer killing you from the inside.
Because every time you decide to stay, to give it a shot, a try a do-over, you always end up getting hurt.
Even though you never show it, you put on that million dollar smile and get back to trying.
You try until it kills what's left of your will to live, your will to dream, your will to be the person you aspire to be.
You become less like an employee and more like a zombie.
You get up, get dressed, go to work, you wait for that magic hour; 5 o'clock, you go home.
You do it over and over and over, but you don't realize the compromise you've made.
That compromise to save a sinking ship; your marriage to your job, a kind of compromise that will poison your existence and take away not only your life, but every bit of feeling you have left.
So run like there's no tomorrow, run fast to the life you've always wished for.

I wish I could tell you it was a Thursday,
Maybe give the beginning of our extra load a concrete date.
But I can't tell you it was Thursday and I
Can't tell you it wasn't.
Sometimes I'm glad the devil is in the details
Because then with me he'll never be found.

i like alone
   not lonely

E.Z